Cru Jones Society

“So… so, all thanks again. And I’ll see you soon. The effort was appreciated. And I’m glad that I could make it. You’ll never know what just what it means to me. Keep your favors, I’m not in doubt, because you’re welcome.” – The Spitvalves, “Worn Out Welcome.”

This is Dagger. And the above are the last lines from the song I used to play at the end of every semester during my college radio days. I always promised I’d be back, and I was. Until I wasn’t. You can’t stay in college forever, nor should you. Eventually it comes to time to pack it in and move on. You’ve worn out your welcome.

And that’s my way of telling you the Cru Jones Society is finished. For good this time. Continue Reading »

“Hypertextuality is the technological realization of intertextuality.” – Sarah Gwenllian Jones.

For those of you who haven’t already clicked over to ESPN or Facebook or something after reading that opening quote, and we thank you, I finally fully understand this statement nearly 8 years later, and thanks to AMC’s Story Notes airing of Kindergarten Cop. And what I realized is that even on a stray Wednesday when it’s just you and Buttfor eating leftovers and flipping between the Rox game (who are beating up Tim Lincecum at the moment) and a re-airing of a 20 year-old movie, you never ever watch media alone anymore. Continue Reading »

It’s only fitting that we wrap up our 4^th Anniversary with an article conceived in the early spirit of this website. It’s Wednesday evening as I type this and I’m hungover and exhausted after three nights in Vegas with Lady E. I have no creativity in me whatsoever, and all I can hear in my head is the ambient cacophony of slot machines all around me.

And while not always hungover, I remember many nights early in CJS’s existence when for whatever reason the creative well was empty, but we pressed on for the sake of our growing empire and managed to fire off something or another.

This is one of those times. And in this case, let’s lean on a familiar trope and fire off some easy comedy. Let’s answer some hypotheticals and have some fun! Continue Reading »

Good morning, class. Welcome to Happy Friday 101. I’m your instructor E Dagger, and this class will cover the basic ways to slack off at the end of a work week. We’ve got a lot to cover, so please pull out your syllabus and note today’s topics: the NFL, rock n’ roll, frickin’ VD, lesbians (probably not what you’re thinking, or maybe hoping, you caveman) and big ass snakes. Let’s get started. Continue Reading »

One of my favorite columns on all of the interwebs is Drew Magary’s Thursday Afternoon Dick Joke Jamboroo that runs every Thursday during NFL season. One of the recurring segments in that column is “Pregame Song That Makes Me Want To Run Through A Goddamn Brick Wall.” I could compose a playlist under this banner that’s roughly 2,000 songs long as my iTunes is chock full of the work of Pantera, Rob Zombie, Mastodon, Strung Out, Thrice, and about a hundred others. No one wants to read this playlist.

The segment immediately following in the Jamboroo is “Embarrassing Song I Like That Will Not Fire You Up.” This is a much more interesting construct. So, in the spirit of the Jamboroo, and in opposition to Hart’s Spring Into Spring Playlist, which you’ll read later this week, here’s E Dagger’s Songs That Will Not Fire You Up. Feel free to point and laugh, or treat this as a makeshift Confessional where you admit to sharing my goofy taste. Continue Reading »

In recent internet news, everyone lost their minds over a review of the Olive Garden in Grand Forks, North Dakota written by an 85 year-old woman named Marilyn Hagerty. Like anything found on the internet today written without a trace of irony, to many people this review reeked of parody. Surely no one could write such a sincere, effusive, and praiseworthy review of a chain Italian restaurant without coating it in about eight layers of winking irony and flawless deadpan. This had to be one of Conan’s writers, right?

Nope. This was just the food critic of the Grand Forks Herald giving her honest to goodness opinion of “the largest and most beautiful restaurant now operating in Grand Forks” a month after it opened because “the lines were long in February.” We all know no one can be serious anymore, lest you get mocked mercilessly for having a real opinion about something, so I’m not here to pile on that stale eulogy. I’m more interested in this question: What does this mean? Continue Reading »

Aww, yeah.

If ever there were two opposite things juxtaposed perfectly against each other, it’s the warm, steamy affectionate embrace of your shower with the cold, refreshing hoppy goodness of your favorite brew. Drinking a beer in your shower feels wrong the first time you do it – like you’re violating some unwritten rule of the universe or acting like Nicolas Cage’s reprehensible character in Leaving Las Vegas or something – but only gets better with practice.

Shower beer, we salute you. Continue Reading »

Unreal to think we’re almost at triple digits with our Friday institution. To celebrate this milestone, let’s all adjourn to the Hart and Dagger Saloon (goddamn obstinate signmaker spelled Hart’s name wrong) for Flabongo beers, gin rickeys, and Bagel Bites for all! Unfortunately for, well, everyone, according to CJS Regular CassieB, the Hart & Dagger Saloon sits in a ghetto ass part of Oakland, which is just as well, since we’re basically in the ghetto of the internet. Seriously, if you put the internet on a map, we’re in between a crappy bodega where the candy’s locked up and a check cashing place, down the street from a methadone clinic.

So instead, let’s celebrate Fridays like we always do, with juicy, time-wasting links! In today’s edition, apps ‘n ‘zerts, practical uses for cartoon characters, pointing out the idiocy of the highest rated show on AMC, the dumbest and most ostentatious fucking car in history, and much, much more. Happy Friday, sucka! Continue Reading »

“I swear to Christ, the next time we cross paths, I’m gonna flatten that cocksucker and make him hurt.” I sat crouched and waited for him to run near me. As soon as he thought he was past me, and, coincidentally, once his guard was down, I sprung like a mousetrap and buried my shoulder into his solar plexus and drove him into the hard ground to finish the point. He coughed up the ball, then a bunch of air and mucus. I didn’t regret it. And fuck him. Let him cough.

You know who thought that, and then carried out those semi-despicable actions? It wasn’t someone angling for $1,000 extra dollars at the urging of his coach. It was me. During a game of full contact dodgeball. For fun. In gym class. In high school. And why? Because he had the audacity to ping one right in my grill, which was fully within the rules, and then laugh about it with his friends. I felt slighted. I felt embarrassed. I needed to get my pride back. I needed vengeance. So I lit him up good.

Last week we all learned that noted dickhead Gregg Williams, former defensive coordinator of the New Orleans Saints, put bounties of usually $1,000 or so on opposing players, and rewarded his players for injuring them. The usual gang of idiots predictably began frantically waving their arms about the outrage of it all and the thumb sucking Greek chorus of sportswriters denounced these dreadful actions for pissing in the sacred lake of purity that is the National Football League. Chief asshole Roger Goodell has been particularly strident in his denouncements. And what a load of shit it all was. Continue Reading »

Welcome back to the Cru Jones Society Love Lounge. This is where we take a dating or relationship advice column, and tear it to shreds. Why? Because most dating and relationship advice is ass. Every relationship is unique and each person trying to comingle naked with someone else is too. Writing generalist crap that perpetuates idiotic gender stereotypes does nothing to serve its audience, and in fact, actively hurts it.

But that’s why we’re here. It’s time once again to shine a light on dumb pop psychology and reductive, basal thinking. It’s the Love Lounge! Continue Reading »

Release Date: May 2, 1997
Box Office Gross: $50,159,144
Rotten Tomatoes Freshness Rating: 80%
Pertinent Review Line: “Breakdown feels at first so casual, so comfortable with its own small expectations (a good but unglamorous cast, a sturdy but unspectacular plot), that the authentic feelings of suspense are a surprise; by the time Jeff’s pursuit of Amy reaches its all-stops-out climax, you’re invigorated by something fresh.” – Lisa Schwarzbaum, Entertainment Weekly.

We’re bringing this feature back full time, with one underrated movie discussed each quarter. And that starts right now with this taut, suspense thriller that seemingly no one I’ve ever talked to remembers. This movie came out when I was 15, and now, almost 15 years later, it’s gotten even better. And that’s weird to say since the movie serves basically as an enactment of my (and I’m guessing for some of you, your) worst nightmare. Continue Reading »

When I was four years old, my parents took me to a WWF house show. This would have been sometime in early 1986 as the main event saw Hulk Hogan taking on King Kong Bundy, which was also the main event of WrestleMania 2. The match hit all the standard Hogan beats – Hogan beat up Bundy for a while – Bundy’s manager Bobby “The Brain” Heenan cheated turning the advantage to Bundy – Bundy beat up Hogan for a while – Hogan looked finished – Hulk up – three punches, body slam to the massive Bundy, big boot, legdrop – posing.

I didn’t quite know that formula yet. I was four. And four year-olds are earnest as all hell. As Bundy beat the tar out of Hogan, I grew very concerned for the health of my hero. I turned to my dad, sitting next to me, and asked very meekly and with genuine fear in my voice, “Dad, is Hulk gonna win?”

My dad considered a moment as he looked toward the ring, looked back at me, and said very flatly, “Yes.” This made me feel better, but the absolute certainty in his voice also gave me pause for the first time in my life. He seemed a little too sure of that answer, I thought. How could he possibly know that?

Sure enough, not more than five minutes later, the Hulkster no-sold Bundy’s “Avalanche” finishing maneuver, wagged his finger in Bundy’s face, dropped the big leg, and posed for the excited Denver crowd.

If I had to trace my career, my two degrees, and the way I view the world back to one moment, I trace it back to that singular response from my dad. Continue Reading »

Keep Austin Weird.

This is written in roughly 9 zillion places throughout the city of Austin. You see it graffiti’d on walls in alleys, on band flyers (which are everywhere), and on about every fourth t-shirt available for purchase in basically every store in the city.

And Austin is weird. Lady E and I landed on Friday afternoon, and there was a goddamn live band playing in one of the airport restaurants. And this was past security which means this is the airport’s house band and plays regularly, otherwise they wouldn’t be allowed on the concourse. What other airport has a house band  with a decent sized group of people attentively watching them? Austin (and maybe Portland, OR) is the only city where this type of behavior is possible. Weird.

Also, weird? That Lady E and I traveled 1,000 miles by plane to play in the country’s largest pub quiz and, SPOILER ALERT didn’t even have the decency to win $8,000 for our efforts. Just like we did last year, we bring you the story of Geek Bowl VI. Continue Reading »

I love being married. It’s the best thing I’ve ever done. But I would never insult you by droning on for 2,000 schmaltzy words about new levels of real emotional intimacy and being part of something greater than yourself or anything like that even though all that shit’s true.

That’s not what you came here for. Ostensibly, you came here for amusement and/or to laugh. So, instead of reheating every crappy relationship article you’ve ever read and nauseating you with esoteric personal details about my life with Lady E, I’m going to share with you 5 Surprising Ways Marriage Improves Your Life. If you’re like 99% of guys everywhere, these are actual real things that happen after the big “I do.” And they shocked the hell out of me.

So here we go… Continue Reading »

Since Hart took his turn looking at his 2011 Predictions, I felt compelled to do the same in CJS BONUS WEEKEND CONTENT! Inside are my predictions, which you can also find right here, and a little roundup of how we did.

Let’s get to it! Continue Reading »

More than 4,500 nice words (or not, if you’re Gaddhafi, Bin Laden, or Al Davis) for 41 different entries await you in this year’s CJS Cavalcade of Death. Once again, not one of the people any of our Regulars or staff picked last year bit it, so we’re cancelling this year’s Ghoul Pool mostly because we all suck at it, but also because it makes us feel icky picking dead celebrities in public.

So, we’ll honor the dead the way we always do around here – by having Dagger write barely coherent thoughts about how he obliquely has some obscure memory about each of these fucking people. Strap in kids, we got a lot of dead folks to wade through. Continue Reading »

According to last week’s episode of “Modern Family,” Christmas occurs on December 16^th to accommodate everyone’s travel schedule. If this is true, not only is shopping season happening earlier and earlier, but Christmas itself continues to encroach upon the calendar too.

So far be it from me to deny the inevitability of the season. It’s important that I put my Christmas list out there for all the CJS Regulars to see. But you won’t find any Kindle Fires, Xbox 360s or copies of Rad on DVD on this list. This is E Dagger’s Impossible Christmas List. This is where I put all the stuff that no one could ever hope to obtain. If you find it, you’re my new best friend and possibly my new lover (Lady E says: Hands off, fuckers!). So, what’s on this list? You’re but a click away.

Happy holidays, bitch! Continue Reading »

The Thanksgiving Week Tradition of Foodin’ Sexin’ and, errrr, Carrin’ returns next week, and we are as pumped as ever for it. The scenarios are as brain bending as ever and the prizes are out of sight.

But that’s next week. Never ones to make you wait too long, we’ve got our regular Thursday feature to tide you over.

And what better way to prepare for your annual Thanksgiving food coma than talking about television? And this year when you hunker down for a nice post-gorge veg session, here’s some food for your thoughts. We’ve got three half-cooked television theories that have been rolling around in our heads for the past few weeks. So when you’re watching these shows in the coming weeks, maybe consider… Continue Reading »

Despite the calendar only showing the first two days of November with tick marks through them, Denver might as well already be in the throes of winter. Yippee.

This week saw our second snow storm and cold temperatures promise to remain. I’m clearly on the record as being a summer guy (crisp refreshing beers, patios, baseball), so whenever winter finally shoves it’s big ugly cold finger up everyone’s butt, I predictably turn into a big pile of blecchhh.

I’ll admit winter has its upsides: skiing, whiskey tastes better, a broad assortment of delicious soups to choose from (not to mention the return of chili season!), outdoor hot tubbing as the snow falls, sleeping better under the blankets, fewer people outside to bother you on your way to work, and more. But still, fuck cold weather, fuck winter, and fuck you if you like it.

Here are six reasons why winter blows a dead bear. Continue Reading »

The view from my office looks right at the State Capitol, so for the last couple of weeks I have gazed upon the vagrant tent city comprising “Occupy Denver.” I find the spirit of this movement somewhat ingratiating and their execution haphazard and mediocre at best. The night the police told them to disperse, I awoke the next morning amused and annoyed by the news report of the evening’s events.

White dudes with dreadlocks stood there yelling at police about how they have a constitutional right to protest their government and the police’s orders to disband were tantamount to tyranny. While it is legal and constitutionally protected to protest the government, it remains illegal to camp overnight in Denver city parks, which is what they were doing. The city has the right to enforce the law, and exercised that right. No one said they couldn’t protest, they just can’t break municipal ordinances. Yet, there was Dreadlocks McGee shouting at the police all blustery about tyranny.

Considering how many members of my generation participate in the “Occupy Wall Street/Denver/Kirk Herbsreit” movement, I’m reminded of how idealistic and driven we can be, but how that drive and determination can turn us into myopic jackasses. Continue Reading »