Cru Jones Society

Greetings, Cru Jones Society Regulars! Welcome back to your favorite internet tavern for yet another week-ending belt of imbibed refreshment culled from the rows upon rows of the finest Belgian time-wasting hops on the planet. On today’s menu: How the City of Tucson plans to use its now vacant ballparks, the new “greatest generation,” ruining more of your favorite memories, the surefire winner of next year’s Best Picture Award. Pull up a barstool, and have a drink with old HBK and the CJS. Continue Reading »

Part of the annual CJS Rendezvous is taking in a couple of meaningless baseball games in the beautiful March Arizona weather. Since we’re hooked up in Tucson, we’ve always been just a short hop away from Hi Corbett, and an across town jaunt to Tucson Electric Park. There’s nothing like pre-empting the end of the winter dregs with the refreshing tonic of warm weather, and the greatest game on the planet. You feel like you’re cheating nature. And you’re not alone. Per capita, spring training baseball draws more alarmingly old people than your average city council re-zoning meeting or Saturday morning trip to the bank.

And thanks to the incompetence of the City of Tucson, CJS has spent its last year enjoying Rockies pre-season baseball in our very own backyard. Here are some thoughts to send it off properly. Continue Reading »

Since we’ve spent so much time this week discussing the best of the best, why not spend some time celebrating the worst of the worst? This Saturday, the day before the Oscars, your favorite celebration of achievement in shitty filmmaking presents its 30^th Anniversary spectacular. This year’s nominees for Worst Picture of 2009 include: All About Steve, GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra, Land of the Lost, Old Dogs, and Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.

I’m sure not all of these movies are terrible, but I can say with certainty that I had no desire to see any of them except for GI Joe, and that’s mostly because Lady E wanted to see it. She wasn’t allowed to play with GI Joes as a kid, and therefore has always enjoyed the forbidden fruit.

Whichever film enters this *ahem* prestigious pantheon of suckitude, let’s take a look back at some of my favorite past winners. Not all of these movies are terrible, it’s just that… who am I kidding? These movies are pretty much terrible, but hold a special place in my heart. Let’s find out why… Continue Reading »

When the Oscars air on Sunday, most of the hubbub will surround the various fashion faux pas committed by celebrities urged to wear the nightmarish fantasies of batshit insane designers that foist bizarre, and insanely uncomfortable-looking twisted reams of gaudy fabric upon hapless celebrities hoping to be on the cutting edge of haute couture. For celebrity bloggers (a small notch below incurable lepers on the social scale), this is their Super Bowl and they’ll have a field day with haranguing these unforgivable trespasses against humanity. The world will weep for this incredible waste of time and energy.

Allegedly they also give out awards at this event, but we all know none of that matters (CJS’s week of coverage notwithstanding), considering after we skewer the event’s fashion choices, we’ve got a host to discombobulate as well. And this year we’ve got the unusual pairing of Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin. Continue Reading »

It wouldn’t be the Olympics on NBC without a giant cock slap of promotion across your face every damn night, now would it? Two years ago I wrote about the poor sap that has to schedule this rotating carousel of vomitous promotional excess with the following passage:

“People who work at television stations are generally insane as it is, they’re moreso during events with live coverage and repetitive commercials. This is especially true when a network is forcing a couple of  semi-wretched looking shows down everyone’s throat and has to air the promos for them to fill in during extra commercial breaks on top of the already excessive scheduled airings.”

Glad to see nothing has changed at NBC in the last two years. But what of the shows they’re force feeding us this year? Let’s take a look… Continue Reading »

On Monday night, the CJS tweeted the following: “Curling, man. Why can’t I look away? Every freaking day I’m watching this ridiculous shit.” That was me.

Despite Erin Burnett and Mario Bartiromo’s ridiculous hotness on their Today Show updates that I inexplicably watch each morning, I have no reason to even acknowledge CNBC’s presence as a network. Jim Cramer is a hollering fool, market wrap-ups have as much utility as your local fortune teller’s latest palm reading, and the stock ticker at the bottom is like an even less interesting version of the college basketball scores that endlessly populate ESPN’s bottom line during February.

Yet, for the last two weeks CNBC has been the network I’ve kept on most. Why? One reason: Grown men and women chasing after 40 lb. stones with brooms for sport.

I don’t know what it is about curling. It’s not terribly exciting. There’s no threat of violence. The sport has been called “chess on ice” which doesn’t normally lend itself to compelling television. And, depending on which nation is represented (and which gender), you’re rolling the dice with either hot chicks or frumpy-looking housewives pushing circular stones at a target several dozen yards away. In short, this seems like a sport that should immediately following the Professional Bowling Tour on ESPN2 each Sunday.

Yet, I can’t get enough of it. Continue Reading »

Shaun White is the greatest living athlete of our generation.

After watching him obliterate the competition last night in Vancouver, the argument is closed. No one is doing the things Shaun White is doing on the halfpipe, and few are even anywhere close. And while it’s fun to marvel at Shaun White’s technical ability and limitless ability to push the boundaries of the sport he now reigns supreme over, that’s not even the best part of watching him. So, what is the best part?

In a word: Joy. Continue Reading »

If you need one reason why the Winter Olympics are superior to the Summer Games, you need only remind yourself of that miserable, angry hedgehog who calls the diving competition. I still have no idea what her name is, and frankly I don’t care because that would likely only angry up my blood even further. You know who I’m talking about. She’s the one that no matter how perfect a dive looks, she’ll find something miniscule to needle about it and project much lower scores than the diver will actually receive.

So when I make the following comparison, please don’t take it as a knock against the generally pleasant ski jumping announcer. He’s basically fine. But watching ski jumping is exactly the same as watching diving in the summer. Continue Reading »

Poor Lindsey. She had to put up with hackneyed criticism of her misguided hot-dogging for four years only to fall short once again at the Winter Games.

By now you’ve all heard this story at length and probably watched Jenna Bush (of all people) inexplicably try to interview Lindsey after she clipped that gate yesterday. We know how she feels, which is not to say we’re elite level athletes (although I did go to the gym last night where some bitch on the treadmill in front of me switched from Olympics coverage to local Fox news), rather, she’s behaving in a way very near and dear to our hearts.

Lindsey Jacobellis is acting out as many scenes from RAD as she can. We’ll explain. Continue Reading »

When you watch a lot of Olympics coverage, as I do every two years, you become painfully aware of all the large storylines in play thanks to NBC’s god-awful coverage grabbing you by the lips, forcing your mouth open, and cramming the dominant narratives down your gullet to the point you feel like vomiting pieces of Lindsey Vonn’s injured shin all over your coffee table.

So, in the absence of actual quality coverage, you’re forced to find your own little moments to smile at. And my favorite thing from the weekend: The Biathlon Penalty Lap of Shame. Continue Reading »

Been a busy week here at the Cru Jones Society. New ads, new comments system, guest posts… what the hell, right? But thankfully the week’s over, and we’ve collected tons of good stuff for you here once again.

In this week’s edition: The final word on Valentine’s Day, post-mortem on the Super Bowl, how to annoy people at the office, and the ultimate neo-maxi zoom dweebie. Toss a grenade in your schedule and cozy up to Happy Friday. Continue Reading »

With Valentine’s Day upon us, there exists no better time of year to return to the Love Lounge. For those of you new here, the Love Lounge is where we dismantle traditional relationship and unmask impostors in favor of real advice and tidbits you can use.

One of our favorite targets is AskMen.com which claims “10 million readers a month.” That thought absolutely gives the terror shivers because 99% of everything you read at AskMen.com is uninspired tripe, misogynistic invective disguised as “wit,” or poorly executed banality. Today’s example fits into that third category as our friends there offer up some “Valentine’s Day Gift Ideas.” Continue Reading »

Friday, Friday, my entire kingdom for want of a Friday! Sacrifice your kingdom not, for Friday comes each and every week, and this Friday’s special because lurking at the end of this weekend is one of the premier party events of the year. It’s Super Bowl weekend where we’re allowed to show up hungover on Monday without the boss questioning our ever-lurking alcoholism and your resultant bloat is not expected, but encouraged.

In addition to Super Bowl fun, we’ll kick off your weekend right with all-around badass William Shatner, Mike The Situation, MMA trash-talking from Chael Sonnen, the commander-in-chief, and Jake Jabs. Yep, the guy who sells cheap sofas and butchers old Waylon Jennings tunes.

Wait, what?

It’s all inside. Enjoy your Super Friday. Continue Reading »

Release Date: June 10, 1994
Box Office Gross: $121,248,145
Rotten Tomatoes Freshness Rating: 90%
Pertinent Review Line: “Speed cinches its spot as the thrill ride of summer by providing characters to hiss at and root for. Jack and Annie actually manage to strike up a convincing romance even at hyperspeed and without taking their eyes off the road. It’s an impressive feat enhanced by the film’s knack — shared with The Fugitive — for serving up two hours of pure pow without gratuitous gore.” – Peter Travers, Rolling Stone 

That’s right. I’m claiming a movie that basically every critic liked and made over $100 million at the box office is totally underrated. “You’re defending popular blockbuster Speed,” asked an incredulous Lady E the other night. That’s right, baby! You probably enjoyed this movie way back when, but you almost certainly cannot remember why. That’s why I’m here. Continue Reading »

Once per quarter, the CJS will dedicate a week to our favorite underrated movies. These are misunderstood masterpieces, poorly distributed or publicized shoulda-been-giants, and movies that have gotten lost in the shuffle over time. Got a movie you think is underrated? Send us an email at staff [at] crujonessociety.com and tell us your underrated favorite. We might write about it, or we might even ask you to pen a guest column for us. Here’s today’s entry.

Release Date: September 26, 1997
Box Office Gross: $27,873,386
Rotten Tomatoes Freshness Rating: 56%
Pertinent Review Line: “At this point we can easily predict the death of the assistant (Harold Perrineau). He’s an African American, and so falls under the BADF action movie rule (“The Brother Always Dies First”). The redeeming factor in this case is that Mamet knows that, and is satirizing the stereotype instead of merely using it. His approach throughout the movie is an amused wink at the conventions he lovingly massages.” – Roger Ebert, Chicago Sun-Times

We open our new feature by taking a look at wilderness thriller The Edge. Anthony Hopkins and Alec Baldwin fight a bloodthirsty grizzly bear as they fight for their lives in the unforgiving wilderness. But is there more here than meets the eye? If there weren’t, it probably wouldn’t be underrated, now would it? Continue Reading »

Happy Friday to the ballers, gangsters, players, player-haters, drinkers of Haterade, those who don’t hate the player but hate the game, and straight-up pimpdogs in the CJS universe with us this week. You macked another week, dog, so you best be fendin’ to raise up and get your internet on. Cuz at CJS it’s laid out like dat. We got your punk ass covered like a jimmy hat.

In this edition: Miserable old (brilliant) bastard J.D. Salinger dies, Steve Jobs kick starts another round of absurd blowjobbery from Apple fanboys with his latest plaything, Nazis perform community service, people look like fools with their pants on the ground, and we do our best not to use embarrassingly outdated non-white slang. Join us, won’t you? Continue Reading »

Although my interest has waned in recent years, professional wrestling is live theater in its simplest form and remains one of my favorite “in the moment” entertainments. You’ve got a hero, you’ve got a villain, you’ve got conflict, and after plenty of (admittedly) contrived and semi-ridiculous violence, you’ve got resolution.

Individual matches are standalone stories, or can function like chapters in a book. Either you’ve got a satisfying beginning, middle, and end, or in some cases, when you string several of them together, you form a complete and fully realized story that, when executed well, rivals any form of entertainment on the planet bar none. Continue Reading »

To complete this week’s trifecta of weirdness, it’s my turn to share with you what my life would be like if I had a robot. Our criteria was very simple. Using any technology you want, including technology that has even been invented yet (and some that most likely will never exist), what features would your robot have, what would it look like, and what would a day with such a robot entail?

Both Hart and Brad decided to use their robots for pure pleasure and ridiculous fun. Hart’s robot played theme music, shouted out Jeopardy! questions for whenever he got bored, and shaved his head and face whenever he wanted. Brad chose features that would make anyone’s inner 8 year-old squeal with glee, what with his ice cream shooting arm, pogo legs, giant knockers, and never-ending supply of good time Huey Lewis music. While the allure of a hot lather shave on demand and traveling via pogo on the back of a big-titted ice cream producer are both undeniably alluring, I chose to take a different tack with my robot. Continue Reading »

From the raucous excitement of the road ahead in the CJS Road Trip Mix to the angsty fury of the CJS Punk Rawk Mix, we come now to slow it down and urge you to get close to the one next to you (or to whomever that increasingly attractive person you brought home for the local watering hole earlier this evening is), and cuddle up for a fierce session that if you’re lucky will include some heavy petting. While not quite the makeout session mix requested by CassieB in yesterday’s comments section (Ours would have included “End of the Road” by Boyz II Men and “Baby Baby Baby” by TLC), this is the grown up version.

This is your Love Lounge Mix. This is for when you get back to your place and need a little musical accompaniment for your wine, candles, and flavor-blasted Goldfish crackers (the snack equivalent of Spanish Fly, I’m tellin’ ya). I’ll leave it as an exercise for the reader to determine if I’ve made this mix for a friend, and if the mix was successful in scoring said friend any action. Sadly, I was well on the road to engaged by the time I made this, and closing the deal with your long-term girlfriend involves a slightly lower degree of difficulty. Besides, she likes it better when I obnoxiously sing “Everywhere” by Michelle Branch in a comical falsetto anyway, so this mix would have been largely useless.

But for those of you looking to ease into a little action, I guarantee you this mix is as good as any, if not way better than anything you’d come up with on your own. And how could I make such an outlandish claim? Let’s find out, shall we? Continue Reading »

Question: It’s January 5. How many times have you heard some variation of this joke from somebody who’s enjoying a cocktail, eating a brownie, or continuing to smoke?

“Well, it looks like I already broke my new year’s resolution! Hee-yuck!”

Las Vegas has set the over/under on this at 8.5.

Like global warming jokes, new year’s resolutions turn every dickhead you meet on the street into Shecky Greene replete with an unfunny one-liner and some self-effacing bon mot you didn’t ask to hear. And because they’re used largely as a punchline by people who are the furthest thing from funny, new year’s resolutions have turned from an innocuous, albeit largely meaningless, cultural nicety, to an irritating clothesline from which people you don’t like hang their labored jokes. Continue Reading »