Cru Jones Society

Release Date: February 27, 2004
Box Office Gross: $5,001,708
Rotten Tomatoes Freshness Rating: 30%
Pertinent Review Line: “Even by its own low-ball standards, “Club Dread” falls short. Chandrasekhar and company opt for graphic gags instead of actual, you know, comedy. The troupe’s 2001 “Super Troopers,” a sort of “Police Academy” caper that featured Broken Lizard as inept members of the Vermont State Police, had its moments. But in “Dread,” no one seems the slightest bit motivated to work the humor. Why bother? The living on this island is too easy.” – Desson Thomson, Washington Post

That tepid endorsement for the generally hilarious Super Troopers was as close to actual praise as I could find for Broken Lizard’s cop farce from a critic. Why Super Troopers even matters in this discussion serves as the entire basis for my argument as to why Club Dread underrated. So let’s take a look at Broken Lizard’s alleged sophomore slump more carefully then. Continue Reading »

It’s Friday once again, although it may not feel that way because many of you probably overindulged on Wednesday thanks to Cinco de Drinko. We used to love Cinco de Mayo until it somehow degenerated into an ever bigger amateur farce than when we were growing up. But still, it’s an excuse for gringos to drink margaritas and eat Mexican food, so there’s always that.

However, it’s now the next day and you’re probably hungover, full of indigestion, and wondering why you used that permanent marker to draw on your pencil thin mustache. We can’t help you there, but we can help you salve things a bit with this batch of links we collected throughout the week. So come on in! Continue Reading »

Chivalry is one of those things that’s almost impossible to do right. It’s like trying to teach someone how to drive stick shift. Too much effort, and you make them clam up and shut down. Not enough, and you’re a heartless cretin.

That’s why the Love Lounge is here. We’re here to guide you through all the romantic pitfalls facing everyone making an honest effort to get naked with someone else. Today’s topic is chivalry. No point in wasting time, let’s get started. Continue Reading »

It’s Friday which means it’s time once again to shed those work obligations, put on clothes you actually choose to wear, and leave the kids with that most trusted family friend – the television.

In this edition we’ll cover some news from your (read: my) favorite TV shows, news from the world of brunch, and, oh yes ladies, plenty of baseball. So kiss the kids on the head, grab that credit card, and let’s head to the buffet of Friday time wasting! Continue Reading »

With the Kentucky Derby coming up Saturday, CJS wants to give you the first look at this year’s field. However, since we know nothing about the technical side of horse racing, haven’t followed it all year, and can’t be bothered to conduct actual research, you get the vital stats of each horse followed by a bunch of juvenile jokes about their names and odds we pulled completely out of our ass. All of the information below (except for our bullshit odds) can be found here.

So, enjoy! And please don’t base any potential wagers on any of our given odds. They are totally fabricated and written off the top of my head. One final warning, I’ve included pictures of all these horses, but have no idea if they’re accurate (except for the ones with the names on their blankets of course - smartass). You probably wouldn’t know the difference anyway, but in the interest of full disclosure, I thought I’d mention it. Let’s get started! Continue Reading »

Since it’s Kentucky Derby Week (a.k.a. The Cru Jones Society High Holiday) our aim is to prepare you for the most exciting two minutes in sports. And since we’ll be watching this weekend (although not live – fucking real jobs fucking shit up this year), we thought it only apropos that we prepare you to have your own kickass Kentucky Derby party at your own house/condo/apartment/refrigerator box. Although if you’re partying in a refrigerator box, you likely won’t need an excuse to drink bourbon. Perhaps that’s in bad taste.

Below you’ll find the essential elements to having a Derby Party your friends won’t soon forget. So let’s get to it. Invite all the pimps and ladybitches you know. It’s Derby time, baby! Continue Reading »

1…2…3…4 Get your woman on the floor. Gotta gotta get up, get down. Gotta gotta get up, get down.

Word up everybody, so glad you’re here. It’s Coolio, put the flow back in your ear. This ain’t the fantastic four, but I’m still on a mission to see if I can get your attention.

If you remember that song, you probably graduated college at least five years ago. If you got a twinge of nostalgia when you read those lyrics, you probably are a dork.

Whatever the case, it’s Friday so it’s time to get your woman on the floor. Heat up that oven of hers with links about beer, sports, comedy, and disease (hey, disease!). If that don’t work, baby you can take your time do it right, we can drink some Jager do it all damn night! Slide, slide, but that’s the fact, got something brand new for that ass! Continue Reading »

I have two giant cases full of CDs. One of them is filled with punk and ska discs and the other is filled with everything else. The punk case contains roughly double the discs of the “everything else” binder, which is another way of saying, I have fairly narrow tastes. Although I do have my moments of broadness.

I don’t visit the other case as I often as I do the punk one, so let’s follow Hart’s lead and see what are the five best ones from the non-punk world of music. Continue Reading »

You know the drill here. You’re at a bar boozing it up with your buddies, and who shows up? A couple of good looking young women carrying a tray of shots filled with some liquor/beer/fru-fru bullshit you’ve either never had or never considered. I normally hate being bothered by strangers in, well, anywhere, but in the case of these ladies, I’ll make an exception. Continue Reading »

As I sent off my tax return a couple of months ago, well in advance of today’s deadline, I thought about the IRS, which naturally led me to think about Irwin R. Schyster (IRS) in the WWF in the early 90s. If you don’t know why this was the logical progression of thought, this is obviously your first day at the CJS.

Everyone hates the IRS, and with good cause – they’re the collections agents of the federal government that wastes our money and has been rapidly accruing the largest debt in our country’s history with no sign of stopping anytime soon. So why wasn’t IRS the most hated character in WWF history? This should have been a slam dunk, and yet it wasn’t.  IRS was a midcarder who won the tag team championship once with Ted Dibiase (we’ll get to him in a second). Why? Continue Reading »

The way I initially planned to open this article included the following construction: “With celebrity gossip dominating the headlines lately…” And then I realized how stupid that sentence is considering it could applied to any week after roughly 2003. Our entire news cycle is peppered with the relationship troubles of celebrities we shouldn’t even give a crap about, but do.

So, since you’ll see them saturating the culture anyway, and since it’s been so long since we’ve done a Love Lounge around here, why not marry the two concepts and skewer some retarded relationship advice? That sounds like a Wednesday, now don’t it? Continue Reading »

During CJS’s impromptu 80s Week, we’ve covered two of the three biggest markers of 80s culture: fashion and movies. The fashion was pretty appalling, all things considered, but the movies consistently rank among our all-time favorites. But what of that all-important third marker? Yes, we have yet to touch on the ubiquitous song stylings of this decade.

Until now, that is. However, rather than devote thousands upon thousands of words to the already well-worn subject (you probably have VH-1 in your home – just watch that some Saturday if you want to re-live the 80s for several hours), we’ll narrow this down substantially.

Using an all-important and highly esteemed committee of one, I’ve chosen what I believe are the 3 Best Songs of the 1980s, and 3 Songs that Deserve a Fiery, Miserable Death in a Plane Crash to Hell. Why take a measured, nuanced view of an entire decade when you can boil it down into 6 probably unrepresentative elements instead, right? Let’s get started. Continue Reading »

One of the most glorious things about movies from the 1980s (besides everything, of course) was the delightful political incorrectness. Looking back at films from the era, and you’re struck by the candid, pointed, and often offensive adjectives used to describe and name characters. Kids call each other “fags” with nary a cross glance from appalled interest groups and “fatass” gets tossed around like “dude” in a surfer movie.

To pay tribute to this bygone era of careless, politically incorrect pejorative, Hart and I have chosen our favorite fat kids from the movies of one of our favorite eras. Mine? The awkward, whining, simpering perpetual pain in the ass from Stand by Me, played by future heartthrob Jerry O’Connell: Vern Tessio. Continue Reading »

We wrap up our 2010 MLB Preview today with a trip to our beloved National League West where CJS’s hometown team is finally picked to win the division. There are other teams there too, but whatever. Go Rockies! Continue Reading »

The National League Central is the assorted potpourri division of baseball. You’ve got a first class organization leading the way almost every year, an iconic franchise that can’t win the big one, a team that hasn’t been in the National League but for a decade or so, the former juggernaut, the team not even locals care about, and a franchise that hasn’t seen success since the first George Bush was in office. That’s a lot of real estate to cover, so let’s not waste any more time. Continue Reading »

In general, the National League East is filled with teams I don’t care about. I know that I generally loathe East Coast sports writers, but what else would you expect from some prick living in the forgotten time zone? The NL East is filled with contenders (except for one obvious exception), and since we’ve got last year’s World Champions here, this is as good a place to start for the NL as anywhere. God knows that’s what all sportswriters do, so let’s make like the herd, and get to it. Welcome to your 2010 NL preview. Continue Reading »

Thanks to everyone for allowing as an extremely self-indulgent week here at the Cru Jones Society. Hart and I spend a lot of time in the trenches planning, writing, and figuring out how to promote this damn thing, we hardly ever reminisce about how much fun it actually is. I cleaned out my work inbox yesterday (more on that later), and found a bunch of emails Limon, Hart & I sent to each other as we planned the launch of CJS. So young and naïve then.

Enough of that, let’s get on with the links. In this edition: Sports, movies, condoms, and the science of farts. Enjoy your Friday, friends. Continue Reading »

When the calendar turns and you reach another year, it’s only natural to look back at the beginning. And since the majority of this week’s content was originally dependent upon my VHS copy of RAD that I still can’t goddamn find, and since we don’t have any awesome interviews with our site’s namesake teed up this year, here’s how CJS got started just about three years ago complete with a step-by-step guide for starting your own comedy website that will earn you ones of dollars per year in glorious, perpetual prosperity, life padding revenue! Continue Reading »

Happy Friday to you all. With St. Patrick’s Day Wednesday, a friend’s bachelor party Thursday, and Dagger too hopped up on cold medicine during an extremely busy and weird week around CJS offices, we find ourselves with a plethora of different hangovers this Friday. Not to fear, your favorite way to nurse yourself back to health is still here to get you through the day. Helping us out this week: Lots of Rockies players, Manny Pacquiao, The Muppets, a brand new Keyboard Cat, and Bernie Madoff getting his ass kicked. Open your bleary eyes, take some hair of the dog, and let’s get to clicking. Continue Reading »

In honor of drinking week here at CJS, E Dagger’s here to give you a rundown of some of the most popular drinking games out there. CJS has field tested all of these games at length, so trust our expertise. Here is a brief rundown of all your college time favorites. Let the drinking commence! Continue Reading »