Author Archive

Essay

My Renewed Disdain for the Urban Hippie

(Hoo hoo hoo! Looks who’s back! That byline is correct. We told you this anniversary would be special. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome back to the Cru Jones Society: Senor Limon!)

Those who know me well can attest to the fact that for many years the two things I really despise in this world are hippies and babies.  They both smell bad, they’re incapable of cleaning themselves, neither have jobs and they both basically sit around all day doing nothing with some kind of entitled expectation to have everything they need in the world provided for them.  I suppose that if I had to choose between living with a baby and living with a hippie, I’d probably choose the hippie because if I neglected to take care of a hippie and it died, I probably wouldn’t have to go to jail.  It would still be a close call. Continue Reading »

Movie

Bad Movies and Bad Customer Service

Zimmer

Greetings everyone, CJS co-founder and former regular contributor Limon here, substituting for Dagger, who is on a beach somewhere enjoying some well deserved time with his new bride, Lady E and away from the fray of work, cold weather, and CJS. I’ll be filling in here and there for the next week or so along with Hart to help keep CJS trucking along in Dagger’s absence.

Like many of Dagger and Lady E’s family and friends, I made the trek from afar to be a part of their wedding. Like Hart, I had issues with my tux thanks to Men’s Wearhouse. They somehow managed to send my tux to the wrong branch located on the opposite side of Tucson from the one I had arrived at promptly at 10:00 A.M. Which, unfortunately was about two hours before I was scheduled to be on an airplane. Fortunately I managed to navigate construction and agonizingly congested midday traffic, squeezed on the plane with seconds to spare and avoided missing the rehearsal and following festivities by an uncomfortably close margin. I won’t get into excruciating detail, but the goatee wearing douche at the first Men’s Wearhouse, was completely unapologetic and didn’t bother to offer any solutions to the problem they created. Nor did he make any attempts to speed the process along. I had a thing or two to say to him, but I had to drive from one end of a million people strong city to the other, try on a tux and catch a plane in less than two hours, so I could do nothing but grab my receipt and run out the door knowing this one would be a photo finish. Continue Reading »

Nonsense

Son, your ego is writing checks your body can’t cash!

Maaaavvvrrriiiccccck!

Television

4 Commercials That Insult My Intelligence

13 Million in total annual salary, and not a single good idea in the lot of them

Commercials for the most part pretty much occupy the space between a 24 minute show and a 30 minute time block. Usually they don’t hit the radar since 99% of the commercials out there are a combination of previews for more shows, products I either don’t need, or already knew I wanted, and some feature people who are just happy that they only have to take one pill to prevent a raging herpes outbreak. Every now and again a commercial comes along that somehow despite millions of dollars of production, endless focus group testing, and what I can only assume is a small army of MBAs, manages to miss the point so completely that I am unable to even consider what product is being advertised through my blood curtling disdain over what transpires within a 30 second advertisement. Here are four that are currently chapping my ass. Continue Reading »

Booze

CJS Product Review: The Foam Dome

Realistic depiction.

The foam dome will be the last of the three new drinking products we test drove during the annual CJS Rendezvous in Tucson, Arizona. The concept of the foam dome is a simple one: take one hat, attach cup holders to the sides, and add two straws that come together in a “T” shape whose business end goes to your waiting thirsty mouth. The flabongo, and pool pong racks both earned praise from CJS, will the foam dome fare as well? Continue Reading »

Essay

How It Feels: Broken Nose

Yes, kind of like this, minus the partying.

This is part three of our three-part series “How It Feels.” Today, our own walking accident, Senor Limon, gives you the skinny how what it’s like to have your schnozz busted up and to have your father summarily dismiss your concerns about it.

We’ve documented the fact that I’m basically a walking accident waiting to happen (Ed. note: See?), and considering all the things that have happened to me, breaking my nose when I was 13 really doesn’t rank all that highly on my list of painful experiences. But the event and the activities immediately surrounding it were really pretty strange. It was also the only occasion in my life that something I’ve done has actually resulted in a broken bone. Continue Reading »

Booze

6 Great Fast Food Burgers

 Like a beacon in the night.

We here at CJS are fans of many things, Movies, music, Cartoons and breakfast cereal all among them, today I’ll be exploring one of everyone’s favorite mainstay items of American life.  The simple, the flagrantly unhealthy, and the delicious fast food hamburger, lets have a look at a few of my favorites, and why I like them.

Continue Reading »

Friday

Happy Friday # 37 Denvertastic! – I’m sorry, that was lame.

We built this city… on Rock and Roooolll!

This week we have a startling number of Denver and Colorado-centric articles, and why not? As we’ll find out, despite being home to a whiny quarterback, Denver has been scientifically proven to be one of the country’s most manly cities, so smooth down your manly lumberjack beard, and roll up those red flannel sleeves, its time for some Happy Friday! Continue Reading »

Internal, Nonsense

25 Things You May Not Know About Senor Limon

Yeah, kinda like that.

Today we’ll be exploring some little known, and some possibly made up facts about Sr. Limon. Up tomorrow, 25 things you may not know about E Dagger. So, without further ado, or adieu. Here’s the list. Continue Reading »

Friday

Happy Friday #34: Snowball Fight Edition

More evidence, they’re out to get us

It’s Friday, tomorrow night is the most unashamedly commercial holiday of the year, the dreaded VD. Whether you’re planning to get all cuddly with that special someone, or throwing Irish car bombs down your neck hole until you can’t feel feelings, you’re welcome around here. That is, unless you’re a Brett Favre fan, in which case you can get the fuck out. Continue Reading »

Television

The House: M.D. Drinking Game

1152x864_house_wallpaper02.jpg

I’m not too sure how many House fans we have out there, but as I’ve mentioned before, I’ve been enjoying the episodes on DVD via Netflix for quite some time now.   Somewhere along the way I realized that certain elements of the writing on the show lends itself pretty well to a drinking game. Being the young upstart/problem drinker that I am, I’ve decided to create one.   Since I’m pretty much making this up as I go along, I have no idea if you’d just be a little tipsy or full on hammered after playing along, but that’s really all part of the fun, isn’t it? Continue Reading »

Things We Hate

Things We Hate #15 Monkeys

 The face of evil

There is something that’s been in the back of my mind for a long time, I just don’t understand pop culture’s fascination with monkeys, especially chimpanzees.  Yes, they have big eyes and expressive human like faces.  They can open bananas with their feet, and those Japanese white ones even hang around in hot springs like old men at my health club.  Which incidentally includes being stark ass naked, which is probably why I stopped going there, but I digress.   With apologies to Dane Cook,  does anyone really want to have a monkey around?

Continue Reading »

Friday

Happy Friday #31: Return of the Limon Edition

You didn’t think I’d make myself Luke, did you?

Over six months ago I lazily threw together a few links and offered a half-assed explanation about why Fridays here at CJS wouldn’t follow the same format as the rest of the days. Since then while I was largely away from the site, Hart and Dagger have developed Happy Friday into the institution that you all now know and love. I’m happy to be taking back the reins as part of the regular rotation on Happy Friday. Continue Reading »

Movie

CJS Summer 2009 Movie Preview

theater.jpg

It’s January, and many of our readers are still preoccupied with scraping ice off their windshields and shoveling snow from their driveways. One of the nice things about Southern Arizona is that the chill is already mostly gone in the air and we’re treated to daily high temperatures of around 75 degrees.  All of this nice weather has me thinking ahead to the summer movie season when we’ll all be ducking out of the summer heat to soak up some sweet movie theater air conditioning and wildly overpriced snacks while eagerly watching all the $200 Million corpses Hollywood will dig up this year in an effort to earn your $8 at the door, and more importantly $20 later for the DVD.  Which movies will surprise audiences this summer, which will disappoint, and which ones will prove to be the terrible abomination against the original that everyone but the people who produced it knew they would be?  There’s no need to actually see them, Limon is here several months in advance with thoughts on the issue. Continue Reading »

Nonsense

Incoherent Babbling after a long morning at the office

What do you suppose the cat has seen that he wants to hide from the government?

Every villain worth his salt has henchmen. No self respecting evildoer can be expected to do all his dirty work by himself, and Hart has mentioned recently, bumbling henchmen are often the underlying cause of failed plots for world domination. I started with an in depth analysis involving henchmen archetypes in 20th Century American cinema, but as it happens all too often here at CJS, I became distracted by cartoons. Read on

Continue Reading »

Essay

A Night in the ER

 This way to Senor Limon’s long night

If you’re gonna be dumb, you gotta be tough.

I remember this line from the song that plays during the credits of the Jackass movie. A quick Google search reveals that it’s sung by some guy named Roger Allen Wade.  I always sort of assumed it was the work of Merle Haggard, but that’s only really because I don’t know any Merle Haggard songs, and that song just sounds like it was probably sung by someone named Merle.

I don’t consider myself to be dumb, but I certainly have done more than my share of dumb things in my short life.  Alcohol is often a contributing factor.  I also seem to gravitate toward activities that tend to put me in harm’s way a bit more often than the average person.  I’m not sure why, and I can only imagine I’ll be paying for it in the form of arthritis if I happen to make it to my golden years. Here’s a story that I’m sure will serve as at least part of the extensive preamble I’ll almost certainly give my doctor when he prescribes me enough Celebrex to bring down a fully grown bull elephant. Continue Reading »

Essay

Words you probably shouldn’t say around me

 It’s Jay-Z’s dictionizzah

Thanks to everone who participated in Food, Sex, or Cars? last week. It’s fun watching everyone squirm thinking about whether to eat a live puppy or hang out with bling-blingy douchebags. We’ll have the results tomorrow. But until then, it’s time to move on.

The English language has been a subject of discussion here at CJS on a number of occasions, it’s only natural since pop culture and everyday life are generally fodder for commentary around here that occasionally we stumble upon little bits of language that just rub us the wrong way. The following is a brief discussion of three words in the English language that inevitably and irrationally piss me off. Join me in my quirky neuroses for a spell will you? Continue Reading »

Food Sex or Cars?

Food, Sex, or Cars? Internet Meme Edition

Thanksgiving is over, and now the mindless masses are taking to the streets in the name of scoring insane after-Thanksgiving deals at the shopping mall.  Here at CJS, we’re half drunk and still playing Food, Sex, or Cars?  So instead of blaming our parents for messing us all up, lets try blaming the Internet for a change.  Memes a plenty from days of yore and today inside Continue Reading »

Food Sex or Cars?

Food, Sex, or Cars? Another for the Ladies

Its Thanksgiving, be sure to shed a single tear for poor Limon as you stuff your face with Turkey, I’m on my way to work.  So, instead of feeling sorry for myself, I’ve created our third, and possibly final F,S or C? for the Ladies. Continue Reading »

Food Sex or Cars?

Food, Sex, or Cars? Fifth Edition

I think you’ve got a good handle on how this works by now. Expect one more this afternoon, as well as an announcement about the rest of the contest. For now…

Let’s play Food, Sex, or Cars! Continue Reading »

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