Cru Jones Society

We’re rolling right along. Please feel free to continue debating the surf n’ turf/Angelina Jolie/Corvette proposition. We’ll reveal the correct answers on Friday (Yes, we’re keeping score, and yes, there’s a prize involved), so we’re interested in what as many of you have to say as possible. Here’s the next one, and it’s again cruel. Some decisions just shouldn’t have to be made. But you’ll make it. Make it and like it!

Also… Ladies, don’t feel left out. We’ve got choices for you as well coming later this week, so feel free to think like a dude for a few minutes and weigh in here. Continue Reading »

I would like to take this opportunity to thank you  on behalf of the Garmin Corporation for your purchase of the Garmin Forerunner^® 305; the Pinnacle in mobilized GPS-enabled wrist mounted fitness technology.  Continue Reading »

The recent Democratic and Republican conventions as well as the impending election have me reflecting upon this current administration. I’ll admit, there are scant few things that I will miss about the Bush administration, but White House Press Secretary Dana Perino’s regular press briefings aired on CNBC at completely random times in the middle of the day is probably at the top of my list. Continue Reading »

Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog is the latest creation from Joss Whedon: hero to nerds everywhere. As CJS readers may or may not be aware, Whedon is the original screenplay writer of Buffy The Vampire Slayer, both the original movie and the TV series, of which he was also the executive producer. Whedon also produced Firefly, which I consider to be the greatest (albeit short lived) Sci-Fi television series of all time. Firefly was unfortunately abused by the FOX network and subsequently canceled presumably by the same geniuses who thought it prudent to similarly abuse and then cancel Family Guy in it’s prime. Whedon also co-wrote the screenplay for Toy Story, Alien Ressurection and several episodes of the TV series Roseanne in addition to creating and produced the Buffy spinoff Angel, and most recently has directed several episodes of the American version of The Office.

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Its my day to post, and instead of missing two days in a row I feel compelled to post something, even if it is the kind of pointless drivel we initially promised we’d never do here at CJS. I returned home this morning from the most boring 8 hours and 30 minutes of work I have ever had to endure, and upon looking at no less than 23 half finished articles on my computer I have found absolutely nothing I feel compelled to finish. Instead, here is a video of a ferret stuck in a tube, and a very sleepy kitten. I promise to be back with something substantial this Friday. Some dweeb in an art museum really pissed me off, and I feel the need to register my disgust with the entire incident on the internet. I’d post it today, but I was so enraged upon writing it the first time that the article right now is just three pages of hate filled stream of consciousness and doesn’t make a lick of sense.

Sr. Limon:     We have ample storage in our kitchen. Why does my roommate insist on putting pots and pans in the oven?

E Dagger:     There is no accounting for how some people were raised.

Sr. Limon:     Seriously. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to pull out piping hot pots and pans from there because I forgot to look before pre-heating.

E Dagger:     I haven’t heard the phrase ‘piping hot’ in I don’t know how long, and even then I only heard it in reference to gravy.

Sr. Limon:     Interesting. I probably wouldn’t describe gravy that way.

E Dagger:     You would if you needed an accurate way of describing graby that was exceptionally hot.

Sr. Limon:     I suppose so, but since you never have to consume gravy directly, the danger of being burned is minimal.

E Dagger:     Have you ever had piping hot gravy? It rivals pizza sauce in terms of intense mouth burn and you don’t consume that directly either.

Sr. Limon:     Pizza sauce is only dangerous because it squirts out from where its contained between the cheese and the crust when you bite the pizza. Gravy goes on top of food, and is therefore much less dangerous. (the cheese and crust both disguise and retain the piping hot pizza sauce, making the potential for dangerous mouth burn rise approximately three-fold.)

E Dagger:     Ok, but in a way it makes it more dangerous because you never see it coming. Piping hot gravy is like the colon cancer of mouth burns: unexpected, but deadly.

Sr. Limon:     I suppose anything is possible. Plus, nothing would ruin Thanksgiving dinner like a burnt mouth.

Sr. Limon:    I still say that I can’t recall a single gravy burning incident, yet I burn my mouth with pizza sauce almost weekly.

E Dagger:     You’re right, mostly its a non-issue, but from time to time piping hot gravy is serious.

Sr. Limon:   I’ll keep that in mind.

E Dagger:    Definitely. So, you cooking something then?

Dear Car Warranty Jerks,

Yes, it may be true, that my car’s warranty has in fact recently expired. However I question the logic in your business practices. You have been calling me in an attempt to sell an extended warranty for my vehicle for roughly the last 6 months. I do not appreciate finding the second half of your automated recorded message on my voicemail roughly once a week, and I most certainly do not appreciate your practice of putting me on hold should I actually make the choice to “press 1 to speak with a representative.” Granted, I only do this to repeatedly request that I be put on your do not call list.

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There are only a handful of movies ever made that I enjoyed as a child, and can still enjoy today as an adult completely irony free. The Goonies is among those at the top of the list. Many times when I go back and look at the favorite movies of my youth, I realize that they were cheesy, or just don’t appeal to me as an adult, but I have enjoyed The Goonies from as early as I can remember right up until recently when I popped in the DVD that I picked up for less than $10 while grocery shopping. Twice, actually. I bought the movie, and about 2 months later forgot I had done so and bought it again. Naturally I noticed this little oversight about 5 minutes after opening the movie, thereby making it nonreturnable. If you need a copy, let me know I’ll get you one cheap.

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Yes, for those of you keeping count, this is two Happy Friday posts in a row that feature rodents.

“The boating accident took place about one week following the naked shooting incident.” Yes… you read that right.

Swedish soldiers shoot shoulder mounted artillery cannons while nude. Commander raises concern. What may surprise you, however is the nature of the concern. A group of soldiers video tapes themselves firing munitions stark naked (except for helmets… safety first). The questions you should probably ask yourself are: Why were they shooting guns naked, secondly, why were they filming it, and thirdly would it be better if they were drunk or sober at the time? It would be unsafe to do something like this drunk, but why would anyone in his right mind do it sober? Interestingly the Soldiers’ commander seems to blister past this triviality, and raises concerns about base security?

“The film shows a group of conscripts from Amf 1 shooting a shoulder-fired mortar wearing only helmets, and generated concern about a lack of security within the unit.”

To reiterate: Soldiers firing weapons wearing nothing but helmets: fine. Fact that video is leaked to outside world: not really a problem, except that it generates query into nature of security on this particular base.

Think you’re good at Tetris? You’re not. Don’t give up on the video after the first couple minutes. Keep watching,. The game actually speeds up a couple times…. Then it starts to get really crazy. I wonder if Tetris skills of that magnitude would help you get laid in Japan any more than it would over here?

CJS Reader Ferris just sent this along: , and we here at CJS always appreciate innovation when it comes to activities involving drinking. My only concern is that the traditional 4 beer reform won’t work with that contraption. In other beer related technology; if you’ve been sitting around at home wondering if there is a more stylish way to inhale an entire beer in less than 4 seconds than with that unattractive beer bong you’ve been using, the Flabongo to the rescue! A handy neck strap is included, but unfortunately you’ll have to find your own hot chicks.

That’s it for your Friday fun this week. I don’t know about you, but I’m on vacation, and the narrow window between being too hung-over to write, and too drunk to write is quickly closing.

Sr. Limon: If you ever want to see some ridiculous shit you should check out the Cabela’s Home Catalog.

Hart: Cabela’s: the opposite of Big Lots

Sr. Limon: In many ways, yes. If you need a toothbrush holder shaped like shotgun shell casings I can tell you just where to look.

Hart: I have a whole shotgun themed bathroom. That is the only piece that is missing.

Sr. Limon: Or how about a coat hanger shaped like a hog’s head or maybe a gigantic wall mural featuring mule deer?

Sr. Limon: Need a Camouflaged shower curtain?

Hart: Dude, I want camo everything!

Sr. Limon: You’re in luck. They have bedsheets too.

Hart: The sad thing is someone out there is actually buying, that, shit. That store rakes in the dough.

Sr. Limon: So true. Ooh! A lightswitch cover, I know what someone is getting for Christmas!

It’s once again Friday, and once again, Senor Limon here to present you with the stuff I’ve been wasting my time with this week on the internet. To start, a story that should make E. Dagger happy: Lost parrot tells vet his address shortly after being found by the police. This is the kind of thing that could only happen in Japan since I’m pretty sure the police in America don’t really spend valuable time trying to catch loose birds. Apparently this was one hardcore gangsta Parrot though, because he refused to talk to the police, only spilling his guts later after being released to a Vet’s office.

Next up: Sharon Stone suggests china at fault for earthquake due to bad Karma. The rest of the world suggests that she should shut the hell up. This was actually really big news this week, which I find interesting because I was under the impression that nothing Sharon Stone said matters anymore. Apparently nobody told China that, because they seem pissed.

In news slightly closer to my heart. A Belgian Brewer is eyeing Budweiser for possible purchase. Yes, The large brewery’s response to being outmaneuvered by the ever growing popularity of micro-breweries is to consolidate. Smart. They should have started with beer that wasn’t disgusting

Speaking of smart, and of China, disabled people are outraged at the Beijing Olympic committee’s complete lack of common sense in an official guide given to volunteers of the games to help them deal with disabled people. Suggesting that disabled people “can be stubborn, controlling… defensive and have a strong sense of inferiority.” I’d laugh, but I’m afraid some angry anti-social disabled guy might hit me in the shins with his wheelchair.

And finally, this week’s evidence that people on the internet have too much time on their hands. The combined mental effort needed to create this could have probably cured world hunger. Not only is this a shocking 1 minute custom created Super Mario level that plays itself, its perfectly synched to music.

Senor.Limon@crujonessociety.com

Bad movies have clichés. In fact in many ways, bad movies are clichés. As a well documented fan of terrible movies, I feel well qualified to know a cliché when I see one. I realized something recently while glassy-eyed watching U-571 a while back after a long day of work. I had previously never seen this movie, and about halfway through watching I realized something that struck me as oddly profound. Every submarine movie I have ever seen is essentially the same. I’m far from an expert though, when it comes to movies about submarines. I wouldn’t even exactly classify myself as a fan, and aside from U-571 I probably haven’t seen a submarine movie since the last time I was watching Down Periscope on Comedy Central some morning for no other reason than it was on. I’d like to complete my research and be qualified to articulate exactly what it is about submarine movies that makes them essentially the same. After all, many movie genres have their own cliches, but I think it really goes deeper than that (get it? Deeper! haaawwww!).

So, come along with me on a journey below the sea, this is going to take some work, I had better break it down:

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I’m back after a brief hiatus to take care of some work obligations and happily here to present to everyone my Happy Friday Post #4. The week is over, gas prices are higher, and Hillary and Obama are still going at it. McCain at this point seems to be enjoying his role standing back and watching Clinton and Obama destroy each other only occasionally popping his head up to announce that he is in fact still around before dropping quietly away again. Apparently, a couple weeks ago he was on the Daily Show, and announced the Office’s Dwight Schrute as his running mate. Last Friday, Dwight responded with the following demands before he would acquiesce to Mr. McCain’s request.

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I realize that I am probably the only heterosexual male in America that is actually looking forward to the premier of Season 4 of So You Think You Can Dance on Fox this Thursday (8/7c), but I really do love this show. I’m not really a fan of American Idol or any of the other formula talent competitions out there, but something about So You Think You Can Dance sucked me in from the first episode last season and I’m excited to see what this year has to offer.

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It seems that I’ve volunteered myself to be the perennial Friday Poster here at CJS. Thanks, in large part to my work schedule, Friday actually being my first day back at work after two days off gives me the luxury of two work-free days to prepare to post something.

Monday though Thursday are days for the normal grind, and Friday evening through Sunday night are designated for doing whatever it is that you do living the life that you slave away Monday through Thursday to try to provide. This leaves Friday day, the one blissful day in the workweek that somehow occupies a hazy midpoint between the regular work week and the weekend. Friday is a day for long lunches, finalizing weekend plans, and ducking out as early as possible (which happens to be about 25 seconds after the boss’ car departs the parking lot). Friday is a day spent thinking about the outside world.

So, in honor of this, for the next few weeks I’ll be trying out a Friday theme post dedicated to the world outside of CJS. Interesting links, articles, videos, and god willing pimping of other blogs in exchange for them pimping us back, and, you know, whatever happens to get caught in the machine.

So, without further delay: Here are your links for the first ever Happy Friday:

Wesley Snipes sentenced to three years in jail for tax evasion

Some poor (probably now unemployed) moron drives car from next James Bond Movie into Lake

Chubby man with bad teeth sings Opera on British talent TV show

This, is my car:

In the interest of saving everyone some time (especially me), I’d like to go ahead and answer your next few questions before you have the chance. I’m getting a little tired of answering the same four stupid questions every time someone sees the car for the first time, maybe I’ll print out this post and attach it to my windshield.

1. Yes, I actually like this car.

2. Yes, It gets good gas mileage.

3. Yes, it probably would fit in the bed of your truck. That’s a nice big truck you have there by the way, sorry about the penis.

4. No, I don’t really care if you’re thinking about getting one for your girlfriend/wife/whatever.

Now, Interestingly enough, questions 1 and 2 are the ones most commonly asked by random people approaching me on the street. I’m happy enough to entertain the questions, since it really is just someone expressing curiosity about the car. Questions 3 and 4 are the ones that I’ve really got a problem with, and is more commonly raised by people that I know who are seeing my car for the first time in some crude attempt to bond with me over the car. I don’t want to bond with you over my car.

Tonight, as I am sure many of you are aware UFC 83, Serra vs. St. Pierre will be airing on PPV across the country.

I thought it would be rather timely to post an article about the now insanely popular sport of MMA (Mixed Martial Arts, for the uninitiated). This will be the first of a three part sports series here at CJS. Keep a lookout the rest of this week for Lee S Hart’s: Why I Love Hockey on the 21st, and E Dagger’s: Why I love Baseball on the 23rd, assuming he has managed to recover from his recent Vegas Trip by then, that is.

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Lee S. Hart: I’m finding that I’m growing to hate or not care about every holiday, except Bastille day.

Sr. Limon: Its good to know you care about what really matters: French Independence.

Lee S. Hart: Dude, I don’t know what it is, but I just get crazy on that holiday.

Sr. Limon: I know, I feel the same way about Harvest Cheddar Sun Chips.

Lee S. Hart: Thank you. E Dagger is always goin’ on about the French Onion, but I’m with you. Harvest Cheddar is where its at.

Sr. Limon: French Onion is ok… but seriously. Its no Harvest Cheddar.

Lee S. Hart: Have you tried the Garden Salsa?

Sr. Limon: No, not yet. I’ve tried the new cinnamon ones though. They’re pretty good.

Lee S Hart: I was wondering. Seemed odd to me to have a sweet chip. I enjoyed the salsa one. There’s a slight spice to it, its not overwhelming

Sr. Limon: They remind me of Cinnamon twists from Taco Bell.

Lee S Hart: I’m Glad we’re discussing this.

Sr. Limon: Well, nobody I know down here gives a shit about this kind of stuff, and knowing shit about snack food is important.

senor.limon@crujonessociety.com

I feel compelled to share one thought with the world right now: Death Wish movies are awesome. I’d give a spoiler warning at this point about the rest of the article, but that would imply that there was actually some semblance of a plot to spoil, and that there is actually a single person out there who hasn’t seen the movie but still wants to. Instead, I’ll start with a few opening thoughts about the things that I feel make Death Wish truly great and then give a run down of the last half-hour or so of the movie since the killing is all anybody really cares about anyway.

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It is a well established fact that with the possible exception of someone being fired, no news in the white collared world travels faster than that of donuts, bagels, muffins or any other breakfast treat brought into the office by some vendor, client, boss, or someone paying penance for inconveniencing everyone else somehow. Hungry denizens of the cubicle world descend on the treats like vultures on fresh road kill, everyone knowing full well the ratio of donuts to people is simply impossible. Most of the time, the tasty treats are not long for the world, usually picked clean in a matter of minutes. I challenge anyone to present a situation more maddening than arriving a few minutes late, perhaps due to the fact that you were actually being productive for just a little while and being welcomed with this:

What the hell? There are two possible explanations I can venture for this all too common situation, which seems to happen at least 60% of the time someone brings donuts to the Office.

1. Someone trying to be “nice” didn’t want to take the last one, and ripped it in half to leave the other half for someone else.

2. Some fatty feels guilty about taking a whole donut and only takes half. Although I’m sure the aforementioned fatty probably made at least one other trip to the donut box for whole ones when he or she didn’t think anyone was watching.

Little do these people realize the fallout they cause from such an act. Everyone in the office who missed out on the donuts, or who decides to go for seconds later in the day is doomed to walk up to the box with high hopes only to find them dashed by a sorry looking half donut. It would be way too easy to just eat the whole last donut and throw the box away so as to prevent everyone else from false hope the entire afternoon. Instead, the janitor is destined to throw the stale half out at the end of the day (or does he eat it when nobody is looking?) because no self respecting human being would ever take half a donut from a box, thereby leaving everyone in the office doomed to walk by the donut table and open the box only to be greeted with horrible disappointment.

Half donut eater: I hate you.