Cru Jones Society

Yesterday I was awakened by a grumble in my stomach. This was not the usual grumble that was trying to tell me that it was time for cereal. No this grumble was telling me that there was something that decided it wanted to come back up. After spending more time than I would have liked slumped over the toilet I decided that going to work wasn’t an option. So I took a sick day and realized that it sucks.

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Everyday the people around you say things that get under your skin. Chances are excellent they say them repeatedly and every time they do, your rage pool bubbles a little more violently deep in the pit of your stomach causing you to both resist the urge to shout “Stop saying that, you fuckin’ idiot!” right in their face, and making that burgeoning ulcer just a little bigger.

If you don’t have any phrases that inspire this reaction within you, congratulations on not paying attention your whole life. I’ll wake you when the cartoons come back on.

For the rest of you, here are seven of mine. Come on in. These are in no particular order. Continue Reading »

Monday, August 11: That was my last cigarette. I was driving home from work, smoked the last one in the pack, and haven’t had one since. That was just over four weeks ago, two days shy of a month. I hadn’t planned on quitting that evening, it just sort of happened. I think that’s better than building up to it since I didn’t have time to worry about it. My mom tells me when I was growing up that she would never tell me anything in advance because I’d just worry myself to death about it. That’s why the spontaneous quit worked so well. I never saw it coming.

I didn’t use gum. I didn’t use a patch. I didn’t join a support group. I just up and quit. After 8 years, just dropped it like that. I had help from this book, but that just confirmed what I always subconsciously knew. Quitting smoking has been surprisingly easy, but it hasn’t been without its surprises. Let me explain… Continue Reading »

Today is August 28. It’s the 45 year anniversary of Martin Luther King’s “I Have a Dream” speech in Washington. Today Barack Obama will become the first black person ever nominated for president by a major political party. Today is also the birthday of Jack Black, Shania Twain, LeAnn Rimes, Daniel Stern, Jason Priestley, and Olympic swimmer Janet Evans. It also happens to be my birthday.

I’m 27 today, and I have the distinction of sharing the day of a hero’s most important speech. The “I Have a Dream” speech is one of the finest pieces of oratory ever constructed in this country, and I find it amazing that it shares the same calendar date as my birthday.

I also find it amazing that I share the same birthday as the brilliant actor that played off-kilter Cubs pitching coach Phil Brickma in Rookie of the Year.

Okay, that’s not amazing, but since it’s my birthday, I got to thinking about who I share the day with. That led me to consider everyone I had ever idolized growing up, the people I used to emulate, and the people I aspired to mirror in my growth. Unfortunately for me, aside from my parents, this list does not contain many “great people” like Martin Luther King. Fortunately for you, there’s plenty of obscure cultural icons to laugh at as I die a little bit inside pondering my superficiality. Let’s journey through a scrapbook of E Dagger’s heroes, shall we? Continue Reading »

My jump back into non-Olympic normal life started with a night filled with drinks and punk rock, and it was great. My Saturday was more boozed filled, just as fun, but a little harsher. It was just the Saturday that I needed before this crazy DNC week. What? The week has been relatively calm? Oh, well, what’s done is done so read on. Continue Reading »

The Dems are coming! The Dems are coming!

The Dems are here!

Abortions for any mother that wants one (or at least the choice to want one)! Gay marriage for all! They come bearing windmills, photovoltaic solar panels, and subsidies for corn based ethanol! Middle class tax cuts and an end to global warming for everyone! Come and see!

They’ve brought protestors! Some want to create the past while others just want to go camping. Ron Kovic! Cindy Sheehan! All the anti-war all stars are here! They’ll invade your city, screw up your traffic, and throw lavish parties all over town. There’s Spike Lee! Isn’t that Sean Penn? Bruce Springsteen just walked by!

Our city is finally interesting! There’s cops everywhere and that helicopter makes passes overhead every hour. Cow town no more. Center of democracy, baby! Progressive thinkers all the way. We’re going to give health care to everyone by day, and drink Obamatinis by night! It’ll be the best week of your life, I tell ya’! Because no one throws a party like gay folks (and you know there’s plenty in town this week…)! Sure, we may boondoggle your commute, but this is one week you’ll never forget! DNC 2008, bay-bee!!!

Does this sound like the Democratic National Convention you know? Me neither. Continue Reading »

You know when you look through your CDs and you’re profoundly dissatisfied with every disc in your collection? You look at your tired collection of music and wonder how you’re ever going to fill all the slots in your 6-disc changer. You’ve listened to everything in your collection at least a dozen times and can’t fathom listening to any of them a 13^th.

When this happens to me I try to remember where I was when I bought the CD. I think about the circumstances that surround my understanding of that disc - memories, events, drunken good times, whatever. This usually propels me to pick up something I haven’t listened to in a while, or at least haven’t thought about in a different way.

Recently I took my Fenix TX self-titled album out of its dusty sleeve and popped it into my changer not thinking too much about it. As soon as the first notes of “Flight 601 (All I’ve Got Is Time)” crept into my ears and filled the air of my little car, I was no longer my 26 year-old self creeping along Speer Blvd. to get to work. I was back in my Volkswagen Jetta with its new after-market CD deck flashing it’s electric blue lights at me while I sat in the parking lot of Ulysses ball fields smoking a clove with my good friend Carson.

I was 18 again. The heat outside told me it was summer. I wasn’t driving to work to face another day of answering emails and trudging through endless meetings; I was an 18 year-old kid getting ready to ship off to college. I had just graduated high school. I was living large. I had a manual labor job at the baseball fields and got an astonishingly high $9/hr. Those first dulcet guitar notes paving the way to pop punk sweetness completely encapsulated my summer of 2000 and in the 3:28 of listening to “Flight 601,” I re-lived the entire thing. Does this ever happen to you? Here’s what happened to me… Continue Reading »

I’d like to give a quick shout to Tri for the Cure, a sprint triathlon that benefits breast cancer research. Continue Reading »

Whenever I tell someone I play in a kickball league, they usually snicker and make some smartass remark asking when dodgeball starts. Dodgeball is in the winter. Warm weather = kickball, you funny motherfucker.

Chances are excellent that depending on your childhood you either have fond memories of these games and the prospect of playing them as an adult excites you to no end, or you want to turn in the other direction and run away at their very mention. I jumped at the chance, and having now played in three different leagues over the course of 8 seasons, I can tell you that it’s not what I expected. It’s still a kids’ game, but the differences from league to league and team to team are amazing. Continue Reading »

After wasting many hours looking up old Nintendo, Super Nintendo, and Nintendo 64 games on Wikipedia, thanks to a link placed on our comment board by Deuce, I searched out my Nintendo 64, hooked it up, and started playing it again. Have enjoyed playing some games from my youth, well the latter part of my youth, ok I played the 64 in high school. I was into pro wrestling and it had good wrestling games. Stop judging me!

I have yet to indulge in either one of the wrestling games I own. I have mainly stuck to three games: The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, Conker’s Bad Fur Day, and Mario Kart 64. I present to you my thoughts on playing these games now as an adult (I use the term adult loosely.) Continue Reading »

Remember that scene in Swingers when Mike meets the cute girl from Starbuck’s at the Dresden room and then leaves seven horrifying messages on her answering machine - each more awkward than the last? He spends the next two days holed up in his apartment looking through photos of his ex-girlfriend (who looks eerily similar to a small woodland rodent) feeling sorry for himself. It’s not until his friend Rob (Peter Gibbons) comes over to drop some knowledge on getting over a bad breakup that he’s slapped out of his funk and able to re-join society. Continue Reading »

Prohibition ended 75 years ago, yet some remnants of this historical mistake have lived on. I am referring to what are known as “Blue Laws.” “Blue Laws” vary from state to state; here in Colorado “Blue Laws” prohibit alcohol sales on Sunday. That all ends tomorrow, and as someone who has alcoholic tendencies, I couldn’t be more stoked. Continue Reading »

Stuff White People Like recently had a contest inviting its readers to submit their own entries. Over 650 entries were received and only five winners were chosen. I submitted two. Neither of them was chosen. In the spirit of full disclosure, I’d like to share with you my thoughts on the winners, put my entries on display for your appraisal, and welcome you to comment on the process. Continue Reading »

Obviously we here at crujonessociety.com are huge fans of comedy, and stand up comedy ranks high on that list. So when we heard that George Carlin had passed away we felt we owed it to him to post a little tribute. So here’s our eulogy to a legend. Continue Reading »

Mother’s Day is tomorrow, and if sitcoms have taught me anything, most of you are doing your gift shopping today. We’ve been doing this for twenty some years, more or less, but every year it’s exactly the same. You think we would have a better grasp of the situation at this point. Maybe next year. Quit procrastinating, read on, and the get to the store. Continue Reading »

Growing up as an only child meant I spent a lot of time by myself. I used to invent ways to entertain myself and learned to enjoy my alone time immensely. It was not only fun, but practical too. As a kid, I learned a number of valuable skills (as well as some not-so-valuable skills) simply by teaching myself how to do them. I taught myself how to shuffle cards, rollerskate, blow a bubble with my gum, whistle, draw block letters, say the alphabet backwards, operate the VCR with my feet, and accomplish several other semi-useful tasks simply because I needed something to do.

People often ask me if I wish I had siblings to which I respond, “I don’t know.” I have no basis for comparison. I grew up the way I grew up, and in general, I’m happy with the way I turned out. Would having had siblings made me any better? Maybe. But I would never want to go back and find out. The reason: I had cool parents. I didn’t need siblings. I had my parents. Continue Reading »

As we continue Mother’s Week here at CJS I would first like to echo Dagger’s thoughts on how nice it is to be able to be friends with your parents. My mom and I attended the Rockies’ game, and went out for drinks last night. It was a lot of fun, and no, Dagger, she still didn’t want ice cream in a helmet.

Now there wasn’t always a time when I liked going with my mom to things she thought were fun. Things and events I would get dragged along to because A) my mom couldn’t get a babysitter and B) she felt that bringing me would somehow make me a better person, ultimately I think it did, (dammit she was right.) Continue Reading »

Faithful readers of the Cru Jones Society: Mother’s Day is Sunday. You have five days to prepare to honor the special lady who made you into the person you are today: A person who embarrassed her at your college graduation party. Or, perhaps that was just CJS reader, Deuce and myself. Whatever the case, if your mom is around, if you love her, and if she deserves it, make sure to let her know this Sunday (and everyday for that matter, but especially Sunday).

My mom certainly does. So does Hart’s. Limon’s does too, but he’s a bit busy.

For this reason, we’re kicking off four days of Mom love here at the Cru Jones Society. Today’s topic: Having fun with the generation gap. Read on after the jump… Continue Reading »

Until you work in a large city surrounded by high rises, you probably don’t think about elevators all that often. However, once you get that job downtown and you’re forced to ride them all day, it preys much more heavily on your mind. You see, no longer is there a squatty guy in a chumpy uniform and a box hat pushing the buttons for you (like that nervous guy in the Beverly Willshire Hotel from Pretty Woman). Nope, we have to figure out the elevator protocols ourselves, and much to the surprise of everyone (read: no one), most people have no clue how to properly ride an elevator.

So, in the interest of you, faithful reader of the Cru Jones Society, here are four rules reminding you what and what not to do in the elevator. You’re welcome. Continue Reading »

It’s 2:13 in the A.M. and you’re watching Perspectives.

Wait, that’s not right.

It’s 2:13 in the A.M. and I’m watching Roseanne. Let’s make one thing clear here, I’m not watching completely on purpose. I’m battling a bout of insomnia and without cable I have but few choices; Infomercials, Roseanne, or Dr. Phil. Apparently 2 A.M. weekdays is the hot time slot for loud, blow hard, fatties. But that’s not what I’m here to talk about. This particular episode of Roseanne is a “clip show.” What an interesting and sometimes obnoxious occurrence. Let’s take a closer look. Continue Reading »