Cru Jones Society

In the pantheon of shitty advice sites, iVillage is just ahead of AskMen.com in terms of sheer stupidity, and just below your local, painfully banal and outdated Dear Abby column in terms of sage wisdom. The difference between iVillage and AskMen (which are sister sites by the way), is that whereas AskMen is moronic, misdirected, sometimes offensive, reductionistic, blowhard, chauvinistic drivel, iVillage seems to at least have its heart in the right place. Sometimes they’ll fire off a colossal miscalculation like this offensive gem we all remember,  but mostly, they seem like good gals.

So, in the spirit of Gregg Easterbrook’s Christmas Creep Watch,  I’m here to poke fun at some of iVillage’s suggested gifts for guys this holiday season. As usual, their heart’s in the right place, and also as usual, this column seems to be written mostly by women who have only seen men from afar. My comments are in italics. Let’s see what Lady Santa has in her sack this year… Continue Reading »

It’s Thursday which means you’re damn close to the weekend. Couple days off from work… a few beers… and confusing the hell out of your lady with your monkeynuts behavior. At least, that’s what the ladies at Cosmo think. They have a number of behaviors that the fellas do which apparently confuses the hell out of them, so they put ‘em in an article, asked a few “experts” to solve these mysteries, and showed off the results on their website for all to see. I realize this ain’t Monday, and that it’s been more than 3 months since I wrote a Love Lounge piece, but hey, sometimes it just feels right. And I’m definitely feelin’ right. And God knows if I spend anymore time thinking about the financial meltdown/the presidential election/Colorado’s bloated ballot/Dakota Fanning re-entering the public consciousness, there’s a good chance my head will explode. I don’t want that. Ergo, let’s make fun of pop psychology! Continue Reading »

Remember when Maxim magazine hit the scene about 10 years ago? I was in high school and my friends and I used to pore over each issue to find the best jokes and the coolest new toys. Maxim was the new definition of cool and made the square pegs at Esquire, GQ, and Men’s Health look even more like the pretentious douche nozzles they were. If you read any of these magazines now, there’s a definite Maxim influence in tone among all of them and it’s because of the late 90s male bible.

Cosmopolitan serves as the female counterpart of Maxim. Elle Woods refers to it as the bible when she brings it to hot ass Ali Larter in jail, and I’ve heard many women say the same thing (whether it’s a direct result of that movie or not is debatable). Given this iconic cultural status, and Maxim’s subsequent demise through three horseshit editors and its current status as second rate website, I thought it important to see what kind of dating advice they were doling out. Maxim is irrelevant while Cosmo still maintains a strong readership despite the ever-declining sales of print magazines. Let’s peek inside and see what they have to say, shall we? Continue Reading »

Welcome back to the Cru Jones Love Lounge. Haven’t had any Rad-related pictures up here in a while, felt like we were past due. E Dagger here to guide you through the dating and relationship minefield. Senor Limon will drop in Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday with his unique perspective on things, and I’ll make another appearance on Thursday with some yet-to-be-determined goodness. In the meantime, it’s time to dissect more advice. Pull up your favorite easy chair, pour yourself a glass of cognac and settle in for another addition of the Cru Jones Love Lounge. (If you’re at the office substitute “easy chair” for “adjustable desk chair;” “cognac” for “mild/shitty coffee;” and “settle in” for “double check for boss passing by office/cubicle.”) Continue Reading »

It’s Monday, which means you’re back at work - or if you’re Lee S. Hart, you’re starting a brand new non-retail job - and pretending to check your email all morning while waiting for the dreary afternoon weekly staff meeting. Mondays are tough, no doubt. But fear not, E Dagger is here to make fun of yet another dating advice column for your amusement and betterment. Want good relationship advice? Ask your significant other. Want to laugh at trite pop psychology thinking it knows you better than you know yourself? Come on in… Continue Reading »

Welcome back to the Cru Jones Love Lounge. I’m back once again to deconstruct more idiotic pop psychology and poke fun at moronic dating tidbits that poison the minds of people just looking to meet people and hopefully rub up against them naked. And, as before, this is all geared to heterosexual couples, so you gay folks must be either perfect relationship practitioners or invisible to the advice-giving community. My guess is the latter - stupid heteronormativity. Some dating advice is fine - although I stick by my assertion that all dating advice can be summarized with one rule:

Pay attention.

You pay attention to your mate, communicate with them, and everything else will fall in to place. It’s not that hard and it saves you the brain damage inflicted by hack columnists telling you how to handle your own relationship. Continue Reading »

Welcome back from your three day weekend - provided you’re not working in the service industry, or are Lee S. Hart writing a multi-part series on life in retail. I work in an office where the hours are at least consistent, if not long. It’s been two years since I finished graduate school, and I’m still not used to this cockamamie schedule. I mean, really, a minimum of 40 hours per week? That’s sadism of the highest order. I need time to write about Kindergarten Cop and American Gladiators (post coming this week - you’re welcome, Gutter). Who else is going to tell you about embarrassing gaffes made when talking to the opposite sex? Who else will critique the dating columns so you don’t have to?! Who, I ask you! WHO?! Continue Reading »

It’s Monday morning as I post this, which means much of the working world has returned from its all-too-brief hiatus to continue to push whatever rock you were pushing last week ever further uphill for the rest of time. And, if you’re anything like me, you probably said some embarrassing shit to women this weekend as well. Continue Reading »

Dating and/or relationship advice pretty much always sucks. Countless hours of television shows, endless rows of books in the Barnes & Noble, and a ridiculous amount of bandwidth has been dedicated to helping people understand the un-understandable.

Universal Question: What makes a relationship work?

Universal Answer: No one fucking knows.

No one can answer that question beyond the scope of their own relationship since every relationship is unique to those in it. Relationships are like snowflakes, if that sounds gay enough for you. Hell, I don’t even understand why MY relationship works most of the time. Is it because my girlfriend and I both love Heineken Light but hate regular Heineken? Is it because we do a call-and-response routine singing “O.P.P.” by Naughty by Nature, only we do it with weird Central Asian accents? Is it because we play “6 Hands on a Kitty?” when people come over? (How do you play? Come over to our house, put your hands on the cat, and we’ll show ya’! The cat is freaked the fuck out, but damn if it isn’t hilarious!)

More importantly, would sharing this bizarre bullshit be beneficial to anyone?

With that in mind, I’d like to dedicate this space to respond to dating and relationship columns published all over the web. I’m like your friendly neighborhood advice column, except I’m the only one to encourage you not to pay attention. If any of the articles I mock each Monday is helpful to you personally, enjoy the advice. If not, you’re probably wasting your company’s money anyway, so what’s another ten minutes reading this? Continue Reading »

(A quick word about the site before we get started: Senor Limon is tending to some real life obligations and will return in two weeks. Hart and I will carry the load during that time and you can look for a post-mortem about the Kentucky Derby tomorrow, and then four articles about Mother’s Day Wednesday through Saturday. Today, I begin a new Monday series entitled: The Cru Jones Love Lounge. Enjoy!) Continue Reading »