Cru Jones Society

Keep Austin Weird.

This is written in roughly 9 zillion places throughout the city of Austin. You see it graffiti’d on walls in alleys, on band flyers (which are everywhere), and on about every fourth t-shirt available for purchase in basically every store in the city.

And Austin is weird. Lady E and I landed on Friday afternoon, and there was a goddamn live band playing in one of the airport restaurants. And this was past security which means this is the airport’s house band and plays regularly, otherwise they wouldn’t be allowed on the concourse. What other airport has a house band  with a decent sized group of people attentively watching them? Austin (and maybe Portland, OR) is the only city where this type of behavior is possible. Weird.

Also, weird? That Lady E and I traveled 1,000 miles by plane to play in the country’s largest pub quiz and, SPOILER ALERT didn’t even have the decency to win $8,000 for our efforts. Just like we did last year, we bring you the story of Geek Bowl VI. Continue Reading »

Not that I really need an excuse to go somewhere, but it’s nice when someone offers one. That’s just what I got when a friend decided to have her wedding in Seattle and invite me. Between work and school it’s hard for me to take a trip, but this was one of my oldest and dearest friends, and the pacific-northwest is awesome. So I checked the box marked “Attending,” or whatever the actual  wording was, then worked my ass off so I could enjoy three days of school-free fun. And I did enjoy those three days! Continue Reading »

Sometimes I think it seems like only yesterday that I was in high school doing high school things. It only seems that way though. Turns out it was actually like ten years ago and I know this because I have a concept of time and can do simple arithmetic, but also because I just attended my ten year high school reunion. And contrary to what TV has shown me for years, it was not in our high school gym adorn with banners and some shitty band playing all those shitty songs designed to remind us of a time that once was, though Kristatothemax did force the jukebox to play The Darkness, which is kind of the same.

So the reunion was not what I expected. Or maybe it was. I really didn’t know what to expect. So I threw on my letter jacket and headed to the Wynkoop brew pub ready to embrace whichever weirdos decided to venture out as well. Continue Reading »

London, Paris, Munich.

Lady E said to me several weeks back, “Thank God we’re going to Europe so we can hang out together,” after what’s been a particularly brutal summer at work filled with trips to Houston, Casper (Wyoming, bitch! Jealous?), and a bounty of after work events all about town. This was a much needed break, and the trip was so awesome it’d melt your face if I told you the whole tale.

That’s why you only get a handful of random musings about it, lest you suffer the face melting. So here we go. Continue Reading »

I had this post all written in my head. After handing in The Road to Geek Bowl V last Friday, I already had the victory lap primed and ready to go. Victory at Geek Bowl V was to be a culmination of everything the Cru Jones Society is: Humor | Analysis | Pop Culture | Backflips.  

Humor represented by the choice of J. Thurston Rockefeller Meowington IV as our silly, yet dignified choice of team name.

Analysis represented by our impeccable preparation, prescient category prediction, and tireless training schedule at a thorough representation of Denver bars and quizmasters.

Pop Culture represented by our daily conversations comprised of nothing more than snippets from TV shows, movies, Goldfinger crank calls, and questions of “If you could be any famous historical tyrant, who would you be? I’ll go first…”

Backflips represented by our raucous celebration after supreme Geek triumph…

I’m pleased to report that what went down on Saturday, while not a Geek triumph, was at least not a Geek tragedy. Here’s our story of Geek Bowl V. Continue Reading »

You may have noticed it’s been quiet around CJS lately. No, we’re not callously folding up shop again. This time it’s for an actual good reason, and not some stupid “We work too much/I have homework/I want to see my wife/Work is haaaaard” mealy-mouthed bullshit.

No, the reason we haven’t had much time to dedicate to bringing you the funny on a more regular basis is that we’re deep in the pursuit of knowledge. We’ve committed ourselves to a quest for glory complete with sacrifice, perseverance, and lots of mid-week drinking.

That’s right, everyone. We are going to take down Geek Bowl V. Continue Reading »

There are approximately 110 breweries and brew pubs in Colorado. I know this because Friend of CJS Keithage bought me a map of all of them throughout the state. At that moment we made it our new goal to visit them all. So with 70 some under our belts and a free Saturday (the first one in months) we decided to cross some more off the list. The destinations for this particular Saturday were the sleepy mountain towns of Frisco, Dillon, Keystone and Idaho Springs.

For those of you unfamiliar with the geography of Colorado, those places are roughly an hour west of Denver. That far away meant that we would definitely need a designated driver, so we enlisted the aid of Mama Hart. She was a good sport about it so we bought her lunch. And because the more the merrier, my sister and her boyfriend came along too. Continue Reading »

The annual CJS rendezvous was one society member shy as Hart had obligations that prohibited him from making the usually splendid trip. And while Dagger, Lady E, and Senor Limon were living it up without a care in the world, Hart was stuck in his craptacular routine. We decided to use today to share memories from the trip. Hart has supplied us with a comparison about his weekend to allow us to fully appreciate a good vacation. Continue Reading »

Part of the annual CJS Rendezvous is taking in a couple of meaningless baseball games in the beautiful March Arizona weather. Since we’re hooked up in Tucson, we’ve always been just a short hop away from Hi Corbett, and an across town jaunt to Tucson Electric Park. There’s nothing like pre-empting the end of the winter dregs with the refreshing tonic of warm weather, and the greatest game on the planet. You feel like you’re cheating nature. And you’re not alone. Per capita, spring training baseball draws more alarmingly old people than your average city council re-zoning meeting or Saturday morning trip to the bank.

And thanks to the incompetence of the City of Tucson, CJS has spent its last year enjoying Rockies pre-season baseball in our very own backyard. Here are some thoughts to send it off properly. Continue Reading »

When Kevin McAllister was left home alone, the rest of his family went to Paris, France. We always thought it was pretty sweet they were spending Christmas in a foreign country. That is why last week we wanted to hear about your travel adventures and we asked you: Where is the best place you have ever visited outside the United States? The bags are packed, and we’re ready to go. First we head east to the hot spots we love. Then jet set around the world to following your adventures. Grab your passport and boarding pass and let’s fly. Continue Reading »

To read part one of CJS’s return to Las Vegas, click here. 

I wake up in the bed nearest the bathroom. That’s odd.

I mean, not that that’s inherently odd by itself, although somehow Lady E almost always ends up closer to the bathroom when we’re in a hotel (or any new place for that matter) by some weird voodoo logic about having to face a certain way when she sleeps. Incredibly, that way always yields her nearest the bathroom forcing me to take the long way around.

The reason it’s odd is because I distinctly remember falling asleep in the other bed. Did I wake up and vomit? I check my clothes, the bathroom, and my breath – relatively clean, only towels and a few stray beer cans on the floor, and wretched but not pukey, respectively.

Hmmm. Waking up in Las Vegas is never dull, that’s for sure. Continue Reading »

“The one unchangeable certainty is that nothing is certain or unchangeable.” – John F. Kennedy.

“I am coming to realize that one should complete 80% of total lifetime drinking in the first quarter century.” – CJS Regular Keithage.

As your faithful CJS authors continue their march toward 30 years old, we’re increasingly surrounded by change. We’ve come to embrace change, although that often doesn’t come easily or without a brutal hangover.

Change is also a constant motif in Las Vegas. Casinos come and go in the blink of an eye. Despite our so-called recession, development seems to be booming all along The Strip and one gaudy monstrosity now obstructs another as you navigate temporary sidewalks littered with hooker cards and discarded cigarettes.

You never visit the same Las Vegas twice, and this time I visited there for the first (and hopefully only) time as an engaged man. Hart, Limon, and five friends joined me to celebrate my bachelor party. Two things we learned: 1) We can’t drink like we used to; and 2) Some things never change. Here’s how the Dagger Bachelor Party went down… Continue Reading »

The Destination: Saddle Brook, New Jersey
The Date: May 29 – June 1, 2009
The Occasion: Salwon’s Wedding

Salwon and I met in high school during the year I spent in Houston. We were both on the swim team together and in the midst of some awful set our raging fatass tyrant coach concocted, I made some weird joke about death metal band Cannibal Corpse. Having only been at school a week, I suppose this was a tactical error in my effort to make friends because nothing says, “Hey, would you like to be friends?” more than making a joke about an obscure band with song titles like “I Fuck the Dead” and “Entrails Ripped from a Virgin’s Cunt.”

Amazingly, Salwon got whatever horribly tasteless joke I made and we became fast friends. And even though we haven’t seen each other in person in about four years, we’ll still call each other just to say, “Hey Mark, you play a mean guitar! Too bad you have to die!” from the movie Empire Records. So when he asked me to haul my ass to New Jersey to be one of his groomsmen, it only took me about a half second to respond, “Hell yeah!” So Lady E and I packed up, headed to the Garden State, and partied our asses off. Here’s what transpired. Continue Reading »

With 110 different places brewing beer in Colorado, it is a great state to taste many different beers. For this reason alone, CJS reader Keithage and I have taken up a mission to visit every one of those 110 breweries and brew pubs. This past Saturday this mission took us to Boulder for a day of beer and tomfoolery. Continue Reading »

This week CJS is fresh off of our annual meet in sunny Tucson, AZ. In preparation for our quick vacation, we’d asked you to tell us about your weird, wild, and just plain silly travel stories. This week is quality over quantity, as we’ve only received submissions from regular contributers Deuce and Augie.Maestas.

Fortunately for us, both stories are nothing short of excellent. Augie nearly had to start a new life for himself South of the Border, and Deuce explains how the fantasy of every single male traveling alone on an airplane, can become horribly awkward and wrong. But first, Dagger reminds us that even in the 21st Century, traveling halfway across the world is a pain in the ass, and Hart tells us what we all already knew: a 7 A.M. Return flight from Las Vegas is never a good idea. Limon completes the CJS staff trifecta of boozing and flying stories with a cautionary tale about spending the night out in Alaska boozing at one of the greatest bars in America the night before your early morning flight home on your first ever business trip. Continue Reading »

The beers were tasty, the sun was pleasant, and the company was stupendous. But with the good also comes the bad. So here are a few of my Cheers and Jeers from Tucson. I equaled them out, but don’t let that fool you there were way more cheers, mostly while sitting around drinking (see what I did there?). Continue Reading »

We just returned from our annual CJS Rendezvous in Tucson. We covered some CJS business, drank a shitload of Coors Light, smoked about a hundred cigarettes, and marveled at how spring training baseball games eerily resemble a retirement community field trip. Here are a few random thoughts from our travels in no particular order. Continue Reading »

Horse racing has been called “The Sport of Kings.” If you were to judge horse racing solely by my experiences, you might as well call it the “The Sport of King’s Cup.” If there’s horse racing going on and I’m involved, E Dagger’s probably drunk out of his gourd.

You read about the misadventures in mint julep making and celebrity Derby Day coverage last May. You didn’t read about the huge CJS Field Trip to the Motherland where on a bar crawl of our hometown we watched Big Brown choke away the Triple Crown in craptacular fashion where his owner sweated like some sort of farm animal on slaughter day (None of us could find the wherewithal to muster up enough energy to relive the ridiculous binge drinking of that day.) And you’re about to read about my trip to Del Mar where I played the ponies, Lady E came up big, and four people further defiled their livers in the name of fun. Good times all around. Come on in! Continue Reading »

Every town has a historical figure celebrity; either one that was born in the town, like Cincinnati and Taft; or moved to the town and did something important, comparable to Larry Bird in Boston; or they died in the town; the way Davy Crockett did in San Antonio. The town I grew up in, Golden, CO, has William Frederick Cody. Perhaps you know him better as Buffalo Bill, perhaps you have never heard of him at all. Golden-ites have heard of him, and love him so much that four days every summer are dedicated to his memory. These four days are known as “Buffalo Bill Days.”

Almost every year I lived in Golden, I would make my way downtown and partake in the festivities. Then I moved away and haven’t attended “Buffalo Bill Days” since 2000. So eight years later I decided it was time to experience it again. Now I would like to share with you the events I partook in, and just exactly how enjoyable they were. Continue Reading »

(Warning: This is another long post by E Dagger. Just wanted to get that out there before we start.) 

Wake up. 7:30 in the morning. What the hell am I doing up this early? Water World doesn’t open until 10:00 and it only takes about 20 minutes to get there. Oh right, I live with Lady E and she’s got an actual job to go to this morning. She looks pissed. Eh, pissed is probably too strong. Maybe annoyed. Possibly not entirely awake. But definitely at least mildly perturbed. And why shouldn’t she be? She’s got a long day of phone calls and meeting people and I’m spending the day at the greatest water park on earth. Continue Reading »