Cru Jones Society

This man above is known as Johnny Canuck. He is Canada’s answer to the United States’ Uncle Sam. Remember when the cast of Saved By The Bell worked at the Malibu Sands and Screech was asked to play Uncle Sam for the 4^th of July bash and he showed up dressed as his uncle Sam? It’s nothing like that. What were we talking about? Ah forget it. Read on for the usual Friday links. Continue Reading »

Thank God this week is over. We’ve had one of those weeks where the goddamn cats are playing Dance Dance Revolution on your body while you sleep, your boss shows you once again what a juvenile asshole he is, and nothing seems to be going your way. But none of that shit matters because it’s Friday, and next week begins anew. But not without some fresh links to help you down the homestretch of what has turned out to be a very long week. Continue Reading »

“From city to city, coast to coast Friday night is the night they like to party the most.”

But since you need something to do before the night, CJS has another edition of Happy Friday for your amusement. This is the 22 edition of Happy Friday, so you know the routine. Well? Get to it! Continue Reading »

For those of you who don’t keep track of the date today is Halloween. We’re sure you have big plans of getting dressed up, liquored up, and throwing up, much like our friend up there. Well before you began the shenanigans that help ward off the evil spirits, or whatever the origins of this holiday are, enjoy a spooktacular Happy Friday. Don’t like that pun? Fair enough. Perhaps you’ll enjoy the Halloween jokes courtesy of Clive Bannister and James Bridge at Cracked.com that have been peppered throughout this edition of Happy Friday. Like this one:

Q: What do witches put on their hair?

A: SCARE spray. Continue Reading »

Welcome to yet another Friday. The phrase in the title refers to how Lady E recently responded to an Evite for a Halloween bar crawl and translates to “I’ll be there, beer in hand.” Which she will be. Dressed as above. Awesome. As for me, well, click on the “Continue Reading” link, and not only will you find out what E Dagger’s wearing this Halloween, you’ll find tasty morsels about Eminem, Madonna, Kimbo Slice, Rupert the Tiny Deer and much, much more. I know you’re thirsty (my friends) for the links, so get to clickin’! Continue Reading »

Life at CJS Headquarters is generally good. I’m gainfully employed in an industry I find interesting. I’m well-liked and respected at work. Lady E and I have re-upped on our apartment for another year which means we not only have another summer of poolside fun to look forward to, we still like each other enough to want to live together for yet another year. So huzzah for that! And despite the persistent wandering around all over the bed all the livelong night, I can’t help but smile at the retarded antics of Buttfore and Bumhug. In short, things ain’t bad. Not bad at all.

So why am I so fucking angry? I can’t recall ever being just more generally pissed off all the time. Between dealing with election nonsense, this seemingly never-ending coverage of the  financial crisis, the shitass Cubs, and getting ready in the dark every morning, I’m borderline Pissface Mode roughly 90% of the time now. Whereas usually it hovers somewhere around 60, now it’s up in a zone that’s completely unhealthy.

So with that said, this week’s links are nothing but fun. I didn’t plan it this way, but when I began gathering articles for this week’s Happy Friday, everything I chose had an upbeat tenor to it. So rather than argue with the universe, I’m taking a cue and changing my perspective. Enjoy this week’s links - guaranteed to make you feel at least a little better. It is HAPPY Friday, afterall. Continue Reading »

Hockey season officially started yesterday and I couldn’t be happier. That’s not true, if the Avs hadn’t dropped the home opener to a team from God damned Boston, then I couldn’t be happier. Whatever, there are still 81 more games. So let’s drop the puck and get this Happy Friday underway. Continue Reading »

We lost a great man, a brilliant actor, and the star of one of the top 5 sports movies of all-time this week. I can think of no better way to kick off Happy Friday than to echo his call before the Hyannisport game when the Chiefs Booster Club followed them on their road trip:

“All right, let’s show ‘em what we got, guys! Get out there on the ice and let ‘em know you’re there. Get that fuckin’ stick in their side. Let ‘em know you’re there! Get that lumber in his teeth. Let ‘em know you’re there!”

Ned Braden: “Bleed all over ‘em. Let ‘em know you’re there!”

Hey, eat shit, pretty boy. No one asked you. Now click the links. Let ‘em know you’re there! Continue Reading »

Won’t you be my neighbor? No? Really? I’m quiet, and I keep to myself. I promise not to lower your property value. Why don’t you think about it? Maybe by the end of the article you’ll change your mind. Continue Reading »

Welcome back to Happy Friday. Lots of good stuff awaits a click away, so don’t be shy. And nevermind Gordon Gekko there. He’s just enjoying one last smoke before the villagers come with pitchforks and torches to burn him and the rest of the assholes putting us on the hook for billions of dollars to bail out private industry down. He won’t bother you. Although his white collar and cuff on a colored shirt look seems to be coming back into vogue, which is possibly even worse. If you have the urge to buy a shirt like this, just watch Office Space, and see why you shouldn’t.

Mmm kay? I’m gonna have to go ahead and ask you to click that link to the right. Continue Reading »

Regulators.

We regulate any stealing of his property, and we’re damn good, too! But you can’t be any geek off the street; you gotta be handy with steel, if you know what I mean, earn your keep!

REGULATORS! MOUNT UP! Continue Reading »

Welcome to another Friday here at the Cru Jones Society. It’s Republican National Convention week, but since we don’t live in St. Paul, Minnesota, no one on this writing staff gives a crap. God knows content from the Convention won’t carry us. Did you see Fred Thompson the other day? The man looked like he was a half glass of Ovaltine away from nodding off at the podium. And his jokes about Obama’s inexperience reminded me of every unfunny joke my grandfather told me when I was growing up, which, coincidentally, was every joke my grandfather ever told me growing up.

The only news I’ll comment on is John McCain choosing Sarah Palin as his running mate. Palin has done a good job of running the state of Alaska for the last two years based on what I’ve read, and she strikes me as a leader who doesn’t take grief from anyone. She also strikes me as looking a hell of a lot like that chick in every soft core porno who starts the movie uptight, bookish and awkward around men. When she finally takes off her glasses, lets her hair down and opens up her blouse to reveal gigantic, implanty knockers, the characters realize she was actually hot all along while the audience yawns because they’ve been done jerking off for 35 minutes but have nevertheless been waiting for her to get naked the entire movie because god knows she’s the hottest one and we’ll be damned if we’re watching Skinimax at 1:30 a.m. on a Wednesday without seeing the late bloomer get banged by the dorky, but muscular assistant. If you’re not going to at least see it through to the end, then why even be there in the first place? Sportscenter will still be on afterward. So yeah, there’s your Vice Presidential nominee.

Anyway, inside we have guys named Johnson, a guy named West, a recently deceased guy named LaFontaine, and a classic example of cheap, superficial feminism uncovered by comedy sleuths. And of course, your reason not to work this week. It’s all just a click away. If you click that link, I’ll be your best friend (Guarantees of friendship not validated by Cru Jones Society). Continue Reading »

Last night Obama made history. Good for him. Now that that’s all over with, let’s have some fun. Fun that I’m sure would offend The Cos. So put down that New Coke, and load some Kodak film and let’s get to it! Continue Reading »

Sadly, the Olympics come to an end this weekend which not only means the end of late nights cheering on America and watching sports on the weekend you normally couldn’t care less about, it sadly means Hart and I will regrettably have to end our daily suckling at the teat of easy content due to an infrequent sports phenomenon that captivates everyone’s attention for two weeks. We must return to the normal torturous process of generating fresh ideas each day for your daily waste of 5-20 minutes at work. Pity us.

Or just enjoy this fresh batch of links I’ve cooked up and delivered fresh to your computer for easy Friday consumption! Either way… Continue Reading »

We got a lot of fun links for you this week. Some Olympic related, some not. I won’t waste any more time here, and neither should you. Continue Reading »

Be prepared to forget whatever the hell it was you were doing before because not only is it Friday, the Olympics begin tonight. I know when the Olympics come on every two years, it’s easily the least productive part of my biennial and I find myself inconceivably compelled by stuff I normally wouldn’t piss on were it on fire. Hart and I had planned on doing up a big Olympic preview, but considering we both have our heads planted squarely up our asses, we never got around to it.

Besides, I went through and read at least a half dozen Olympic previews from actual respected news outlets, and they all say essentially the same thing. Here’s what you need to know: Dana Torres is old, Michael Phelps might break a record, baseball and softball are going away this year because the rest of the world hates America, the pollution in Beijing is stifling, USA Basketball needs to redeem themselves (and everyone still hates Coach K) Tyson Gay has a hilarious name, Tibet is still oppressed, and somehow equestrian is still an Olympic sport.  There. Consider your Olympics previewed.

You can look for a bunch of Olympic coverage from Hart and myself in the next two weeks. No, you don’t need to know exactly what we’re doing, thank you. You’ll know it when you see it. And until that time comes, here are your links for the 8th of August, 2008. (P.S. Amanda Beard is hot.) Continue Reading »

It’s another Friday, which means nobody wants to do any work. Cru Jones Society is here to help out on that front with another bunch of links to waste away your day. But first there’s some unfinished buisness that needs to be settled. In order to do that Ima pull a Kris Kross and make ya jump, jump. Continue Reading »

Welcome back to Happy Friday. I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’ve been up to my ass this week with internal meetings, new clients, and all sorts of other happy horseshit none of you are interested in. Thankfully, there’s a fresh batch of tomfoolery baked straight from the internet, nourished by E Dagger, and brought to your computer just beyond the jump. So, if you’re interested in why Los Angeles sucks, where to go if you look like Ernest Hemingway, or what I thought of The Dark Knight, you’re in luck and sit merely a click away… Continue Reading »

Yes, for those of you keeping count, this is two Happy Friday posts in a row that feature rodents.

“The boating accident took place about one week following the naked shooting incident.” Yes… you read that right.

Swedish soldiers shoot shoulder mounted artillery cannons while nude. Commander raises concern. What may surprise you, however is the nature of the concern. A group of soldiers video tapes themselves firing munitions stark naked (except for helmets… safety first). The questions you should probably ask yourself are: Why were they shooting guns naked, secondly, why were they filming it, and thirdly would it be better if they were drunk or sober at the time? It would be unsafe to do something like this drunk, but why would anyone in his right mind do it sober? Interestingly the Soldiers’ commander seems to blister past this triviality, and raises concerns about base security?

“The film shows a group of conscripts from Amf 1 shooting a shoulder-fired mortar wearing only helmets, and generated concern about a lack of security within the unit.”

To reiterate: Soldiers firing weapons wearing nothing but helmets: fine. Fact that video is leaked to outside world: not really a problem, except that it generates query into nature of security on this particular base.

Think you’re good at Tetris? You’re not. Don’t give up on the video after the first couple minutes. Keep watching,. The game actually speeds up a couple times…. Then it starts to get really crazy. I wonder if Tetris skills of that magnitude would help you get laid in Japan any more than it would over here?

CJS Reader Ferris just sent this along: , and we here at CJS always appreciate innovation when it comes to activities involving drinking. My only concern is that the traditional 4 beer reform won’t work with that contraption. In other beer related technology; if you’ve been sitting around at home wondering if there is a more stylish way to inhale an entire beer in less than 4 seconds than with that unattractive beer bong you’ve been using, the Flabongo to the rescue! A handy neck strap is included, but unfortunately you’ll have to find your own hot chicks.

That’s it for your Friday fun this week. I don’t know about you, but I’m on vacation, and the narrow window between being too hung-over to write, and too drunk to write is quickly closing.

It’s once again Friday, and once again, Senor Limon here to present you with the stuff I’ve been wasting my time with this week on the internet. To start, a story that should make E. Dagger happy: Lost parrot tells vet his address shortly after being found by the police. This is the kind of thing that could only happen in Japan since I’m pretty sure the police in America don’t really spend valuable time trying to catch loose birds. Apparently this was one hardcore gangsta Parrot though, because he refused to talk to the police, only spilling his guts later after being released to a Vet’s office.

Next up: Sharon Stone suggests china at fault for earthquake due to bad Karma. The rest of the world suggests that she should shut the hell up. This was actually really big news this week, which I find interesting because I was under the impression that nothing Sharon Stone said matters anymore. Apparently nobody told China that, because they seem pissed.

In news slightly closer to my heart. A Belgian Brewer is eyeing Budweiser for possible purchase. Yes, The large brewery’s response to being outmaneuvered by the ever growing popularity of micro-breweries is to consolidate. Smart. They should have started with beer that wasn’t disgusting

Speaking of smart, and of China, disabled people are outraged at the Beijing Olympic committee’s complete lack of common sense in an official guide given to volunteers of the games to help them deal with disabled people. Suggesting that disabled people “can be stubborn, controlling… defensive and have a strong sense of inferiority.” I’d laugh, but I’m afraid some angry anti-social disabled guy might hit me in the shins with his wheelchair.

And finally, this week’s evidence that people on the internet have too much time on their hands. The combined mental effort needed to create this could have probably cured world hunger. Not only is this a shocking 1 minute custom created Super Mario level that plays itself, its perfectly synched to music.

Senor.Limon@crujonessociety.com