Cru Jones Society

Welcome back to the Monday Confessional where we both lament the fact that it’s Monday and bare our souls for the betterment of our fellow human. Or we simply make fun of each other for the bizarre choices we make. Today’s prompt, in honor of St. Patrick’s Day, which should provide an ample shitshow this year considering it’s on a Saturday, is: What would you wish for if a leprechaun granted you three wishes?

As always, staff responses are first, Regulars chime in afterward. If you forgot to confess this week, have a comment on a fellow confessor, or simply want to voice any opinion, please do so in the comments. We’ll have next week’s prompt at the article’s conclusion, so please join us here once again seven days from now. But first, your confessions. Continue Reading »

Since Hart took his turn looking at his 2011 Predictions, I felt compelled to do the same in CJS BONUS WEEKEND CONTENT! Inside are my predictions, which you can also find right here, and a little roundup of how we did.

Let’s get to it! Continue Reading »

In 2011 I went rafting for the first time, I swam in the Arkansas River, and I got my bachelor’s degree. Based on these accomplishments I would say it was a pretty good year. But the real gauge to how well the year went comes from the results of the predictions I made at the start of the year. How can I judge a year based only on the things I never expected to happen? What kind of life is that to live? That is hog wash and I refuse to accept it! Continue Reading »

More than 4,500 nice words (or not, if you’re Gaddhafi, Bin Laden, or Al Davis) for 41 different entries await you in this year’s CJS Cavalcade of Death. Once again, not one of the people any of our Regulars or staff picked last year bit it, so we’re cancelling this year’s Ghoul Pool mostly because we all suck at it, but also because it makes us feel icky picking dead celebrities in public.

So, we’ll honor the dead the way we always do around here – by having Dagger write barely coherent thoughts about how he obliquely has some obscure memory about each of these fucking people. Strap in kids, we got a lot of dead folks to wade through. Continue Reading »

There are those who would say you can’t do an UberHappy Friday without doing a Happy Friday for the entire year. Those people don’t work at Cru Jones Society, and if they did we wouldn’t listen to them. Also they said you can’t put a Happy Friday up on a Thursday. Naysayers be damned! This is UberHappy Friday 2011! Continue Reading »

While out Christmas shopping we found ourselves stumped on what to get you, our loyal readers. We don’t know your sweater size so that was out. Gift cards seemed so impersonal. And it seemed someone took the Playskool Kitchen we left near the register. Finally after hours of discussions and many, many beers we knew exactly what you wanted: A brand new Big Ass Christmas Post! We’ll even let you unwrap it before Christmas morning. So go ahead, unwrap and enjoy! Continue Reading »

According to last week’s episode of “Modern Family,” Christmas occurs on December 16^th to accommodate everyone’s travel schedule. If this is true, not only is shopping season happening earlier and earlier, but Christmas itself continues to encroach upon the calendar too.

So far be it from me to deny the inevitability of the season. It’s important that I put my Christmas list out there for all the CJS Regulars to see. But you won’t find any Kindle Fires, Xbox 360s or copies of Rad on DVD on this list. This is E Dagger’s Impossible Christmas List. This is where I put all the stuff that no one could ever hope to obtain. If you find it, you’re my new best friend and possibly my new lover (Lady E says: Hands off, fuckers!). So, what’s on this list? You’re but a click away.

Happy holidays, bitch! Continue Reading »

Dagger came up to me last week and said, “I would like it if you wrote a predictions post.” I said, “I knew you were going to say that.” Then he sighed and rolled his rolls eyes. I’m sure he died a little inside as well. So I put the puns away and pulled out my crystal ball and peered into the future. Ok it was a baseball and I threw it at a Jump To Conclusions Mat. Either way I did what I had to in order to make some perdictions about the future. Continue Reading »

We’re already more than a week into 2011, no time for dilly dallying. Here are my predictions for the year ranging from the sports world, to the entertainment world, to politics, to the universe of E Dagger. Join me, won’t you? Continue Reading »

2010 is dead, and we killed it.

Thankfully we did not kill anyone on this list of others who also perished in 2010. This also means everyone that participated in Ghoul Pool 2010 faces no further questioning from authorities regarding any of those deaths.

Will that hold true in 2011? Will CJS Staff and Regulars whiff on all the deaths of the year? Something tells me one of these is going to hit this year, which we have mixed feelings about. Here are the official entrants in Ghoul Pool 2011 here at CJS. If you somehow stuck your thumb up your butt and forgot to submit, leave your three picks in the comments section. Here we go… Continue Reading »

The last few days of the years is always the time when the internets like to look back at the year that was, and we want to fit in so we’ll be doing the same thing. Our primary resource, ok our only resource, is the goofy shit we like to call Happy Friday. Each week we would comb the World Wide Web looking for the best, oddest, and most interesting stories, or whatever strikes our fancy (fancies?) and share it with all our loyal readers. Now we have meticulously gone through each one of those weekly editions and picked out the best stories of the year. Don’t worry, we won’t bore you with more Kayne or LeBron talk, or bring up the other stories that have been beaten to death. What we do have for you are only the stories and time wasting videos deemed worthy enough for one mega year end round of ass sliding.

Now grab a drink, sit back, get comfortable and enjoy this UberHappy Friday (On a Thursday) 2010 Year in Review Continue Reading »

Two days ‘til Christmas, which means it’s time once again for the Cru Jones Society Bigass Christmas Post. As we did last year (Lee S. Hart’s massive two-part post – Part I is here, Part II is here), and the year before (Dagger’s Bigass Post is here), we’re here to give you all the best, worst, weirdest, and just plain goofiest shit around this Christmas. So come on in for Wookiees, this year’s best Christmas goodies, drunk Irish people calling each other names in song, and the best chance for a breathable atmosphere on Mars.

Happy Christmas, y’all! Continue Reading »

Welcome back to the giant CJS Obituary, which, I’ll admit, was depressing as hell to compile. We had planned to do a follow-up to this Confessional, but no one that either we or you picked actually died last year. So, if you want to look at some boring list of a bunch of living people, there you go.

But you’re here for the death. So, here’s a list of notable folks who kicked the bucket this year. This list is by no means all-inclusive, but should give you a fairly extensive cross-section of people either playing backgammon with Hitler or having a beer chugging contest with Hemingway.

Let’s get to it. Continue Reading »

The alt rock band Cake once sang, “I don’t know much about Cinco de Mayo/I’m never sure what it’s all about.” Mostly I agree with this. I know there’s something about Mexico and conquering France or something. Since this is the case I, along with a few of you, and many members of the ska music scene take this opportunity to participate in Cinco de Mustache. The 2010 edition has been a lot of fun and only slightly disgusting. Now let’s get on with this parade of lip ferrets. Continue Reading »

As I sent off my tax return a couple of months ago, well in advance of today’s deadline, I thought about the IRS, which naturally led me to think about Irwin R. Schyster (IRS) in the WWF in the early 90s. If you don’t know why this was the logical progression of thought, this is obviously your first day at the CJS.

Everyone hates the IRS, and with good cause – they’re the collections agents of the federal government that wastes our money and has been rapidly accruing the largest debt in our country’s history with no sign of stopping anytime soon. So why wasn’t IRS the most hated character in WWF history? This should have been a slam dunk, and yet it wasn’t.  IRS was a midcarder who won the tag team championship once with Ted Dibiase (we’ll get to him in a second). Why? Continue Reading »

Well Valentine’s Day is nearly upon us and as a single guy I’m supposed to be some sad sack right? Well screw that noise, Jack! Valentine’s Day is not just for couples. The world doesn’t stop spinning and the lives of single people don’t freeze for this one day, and we like to do things to. So instead of yelling at the Valentine’s specials on TV, or feeling sorry for myself, or loving myself until it hurts I have come up with some great alternatives so everyone can enjoy this ridiculous holiday. Continue Reading »

Please welcome to the Cru Jones Society, the beautfiul, talented, highly acerbic, Redhead herself, Ms. Erika Napoletano. Please give her lots of love in the comments section, and do yourself a favor by checking out all of her excellent work which she lists at the bottom of this post.

Jesus Christ – is it really Valentine’s Day again?

I hate Valentine’s Day. Haaaaaates it, preeeeecious. In my humble opinion, it’s the most ridiculous pseudo-holiday in existence (right behind Administrative Assistant’s Day… seriously). We clamor for dinner reservations and bitch, whine, moan and complain when our true-love-du-jour fails to deliver the one thing we so desperately wanted (which is inevitably the one thing we never told them we wanted but expected them to read our minds and figure out). In all honesty, V-Day is nothing more than a clearance sale for Christmas under a different name. Sure, the candy’s all heart-shaped, but the wrapping paper is still red. There’s still a chubby superhero mascot, but instead of an old fat guy who likes to play with midgets, it’s a violent cherub toting a bow and arrow. Yeah, yeah, we know “love hurts,” but do you really have to shoot me in the ass each year and remind me?

So guys, sit down. The Redhead speaks. We all know Valentine’s Day is ridiculous. I’m going to give you eight girl-proof tips for avoiding coming off as a total douchebag to your sweetie. Not everyone will approve of my tactics and it’s possible I’m going to pioneer reverse misogyny, but fuck it. I’m tired of the whiny broads that make the rest of us look bad. This one’s for you, guys. Continue Reading »

With Valentine’s Day upon us, there exists no better time of year to return to the Love Lounge. For those of you new here, the Love Lounge is where we dismantle traditional relationship and unmask impostors in favor of real advice and tidbits you can use.

One of our favorite targets is AskMen.com which claims “10 million readers a month.” That thought absolutely gives the terror shivers because 99% of everything you read at AskMen.com is uninspired tripe, misogynistic invective disguised as “wit,” or poorly executed banality. Today’s example fits into that third category as our friends there offer up some “Valentine’s Day Gift Ideas.” Continue Reading »

Welcome to the finest prognostication of the new year you can find anywhere on the web! It’s the 2nd Annual Cru Jones Society prediction article where we bring you our thoughts on movies, music, television, sports, politics, and a whole slew of other crap important to your life.

2009 was a wildly successful year for us as we grew from a mere 800 readers at the year’s beginning, to averaging more than 16,000 by year’s end. Dagger got married, Limon kicked ass and took names in the desert, and Hart lived the first full year of his life retail-free. We’re looking forward to an even bigger and better 2010, and to commemorate the occasion, we dredged up Senor Limon to chime in with his thoughts on 2010.

So pull up your favorite chair, settle in with a beverage, and prepare to digest nearly 5,000 words worth of insights from the CJS 2010 crystal ball. Away we go! Continue Reading »

On Monday we gave predictions about who will kick the bucket this year. And tomorrow we have predictions about the rest of the year. But before we get to those we want to look back at the predictions we made for 2009 and see just how well we are at foreseeing the future. So before we move ahead let’s look back at 2009 one last time. Continue Reading »