Cru Jones Society

There is an ad campaign for some casino right now using a made up creature called the quadracorn, which is essentially a four horned unicorn. But this quadracorn is owned by some dick cheese who rides it to the airport, and if that isn’t bad enough, instead of tying this creature to the hitching post that are outside all major airports, he rides it inside and is able to get all the way to security and through the metal detector. It’s boggling how this is possible, it’s even more amazing than the mythical creature itself. But the point here is this commercial is fucking stupid. The other point is that for all the awesomeness that can arise from having a mythical or non-existent creature there are plenty of stupid reasons that come with them as well, even if it is just enhancing the jackassery that already resides within people.

With that I have thought about the mythical or non-existent creatures I wish were real and why each one of them would be a stupid mistake. Let’s set the snare and round us up a menagerie. Continue Reading »

It’s only fitting that we wrap up our 4^th Anniversary with an article conceived in the early spirit of this website. It’s Wednesday evening as I type this and I’m hungover and exhausted after three nights in Vegas with Lady E. I have no creativity in me whatsoever, and all I can hear in my head is the ambient cacophony of slot machines all around me.

And while not always hungover, I remember many nights early in CJS’s existence when for whatever reason the creative well was empty, but we pressed on for the sake of our growing empire and managed to fire off something or another.

This is one of those times. And in this case, let’s lean on a familiar trope and fire off some easy comedy. Let’s answer some hypotheticals and have some fun! Continue Reading »

What would a Cru Jones Society anniversary month be without some random musings? Well, a lot like the last anniversary I suppose. That won’t be the case this time. Now I submit to you a collection of the thoughts I have throughout any given day. I hope you’ll enjoy, or at least gain some insight into the mind of Hart. Continue Reading »

My high school once did an over-night lock-in. Essentially, we spent the night in the school, it was like a sleepover with dozens of people. It wasn’t the sleepover aspect that intrigued me; rather it was being inside the school at a time when I normally wouldn’t be. I felt like I was breaking some kind of rule. That was the kind of dorky goody-good I was.

This sensation is something I have carried with me. A few times I have had to work overnight at my retail job and I was actually excited to go to work. Or now if I’m at the office after the sun has set. I chalk that one up more to being 12 stories up and seeing the city glow. Whatever the case may be, I just enjoy being in place after dark that I’m normally in during the day.

Because of this I can’t wait for a zombie apocalypse forcing me to possibly spend the night in some place other than a house. I never understood mobilizing instead of taking refuge in a situation like that. I would hold up somewhere as long as I could.

These are my top choices.

Continue Reading »

Despite the calendar only showing the first two days of November with tick marks through them, Denver might as well already be in the throes of winter. Yippee.

This week saw our second snow storm and cold temperatures promise to remain. I’m clearly on the record as being a summer guy (crisp refreshing beers, patios, baseball), so whenever winter finally shoves it’s big ugly cold finger up everyone’s butt, I predictably turn into a big pile of blecchhh.

I’ll admit winter has its upsides: skiing, whiskey tastes better, a broad assortment of delicious soups to choose from (not to mention the return of chili season!), outdoor hot tubbing as the snow falls, sleeping better under the blankets, fewer people outside to bother you on your way to work, and more. But still, fuck cold weather, fuck winter, and fuck you if you like it.

Here are six reasons why winter blows a dead bear. Continue Reading »

I had these thoughts I wanted to put down, but they weren’t long enough for their own individual articles, yet they felt too long to be classified as Random Musings. So I wrote them out, put them together, threw in a few Random Musings, and have dubbed it Ponderings. Though looking at it now feels like it should read Ponderings, by Jack Handey. How cool would that be if we could get him to write with us?

The answer: Totes Magotes cool!

But he doesn’t, so today you get Ponderings, by Lee Hart. Continue Reading »

“I don’t know what it is about your face, (holds up fist), but I just wanna deliver one of these right to your suckhole.” – Rob Riggle as “Randy” in Step Brothers.

Watching the NBA Finals this year, and this is exactly how I feel about Chris Bosh. Something about his stupid face makes me just want to put my fist square in his grill and knock that obnoxious, manicured, boy band beard off his big ugly head. I don’t think there’s anything he can do to change my mind either. I will probably always want to punch Chris Bosh in the face.

I suppose he can take solace in knowing he’s not alone. So in honor of the day we all get to point and laugh at Lebron, Wade (looking like the only one with any sack of these three assholes) and Bosh choke away the Finals after turning the entire country against them, let’s take a look at E Dagger’s 5 Most Punchable Faces. Continue Reading »

We thought about posting a new Happy Friday, but then we looked at what was going on and realized that it would not have been that great. He’s a brief synopsis of how that would have gone: Japan’s under attack by Godzilla, some guy with a name I won’t be able to spell is pissing on Libya, Charlie Sheen, fun new site, fun YouTube video, Rockies off to an awesome start, JOHNNY BONES! Demotivator, and see you next week.  So instead we have decided to give some stuff I’ve been thinking about when I get tired of hearing about the tragedies of the world. So he’s another edition of Hart’s Random Musings! Continue Reading »

One of the joys of the corporate world is gaining an email that a ton of people suddenly have access to. I now get all sorts of emails I never would have gotten before, ok that’s not entirely true since I made the mistake of letting my grandma know my email. One of these splendid emails I got the other day was entitled 101 Small Pleasures You Can Enjoy Everyday. At first I was optimistic and thought, “Aw, this is pleasant.” Then I read the list and I slowly became filled with rage at just how stupid and ridiculous some of these things are. I felt it was my duty to share this list as well as the problems that exist within it. As it turns out I had more to say on these things than I anticipated so I have broken it into 4 parts. I now present to you the final stupid ass part. Continue Reading »

One of the joys of the corporate world is gaining an email that a ton of people suddenly have access to. I now get all sorts of emails I never would have gotten before, ok that’s not entirely true since I made the mistake of letting my grandma know my email. One of these splendid emails I got the other day was entitled 101 Small Pleasures You Can Enjoy Everyday. At first I was optimistic and thought, “Aw, this is pleasant.” Then I read the list and I slowly became filled with rage at just how stupid and ridiculous some of these things are. I felt it was my duty to share this list as well as the problems that exist within it. As it turns out I had more to say on these things than I anticipated so I have broken it into 4 parts. I now present to you the third part. Continue Reading »

One of the joys of the corporate world is gaining an email that a ton of people suddenly have access to. I now get all sorts of emails I never would have gotten before, ok that’s not entirely true since I made the mistake of letting my grandma know my email. One of these splendid emails I got the other day was entitled 101 Small Pleasures You Can Enjoy Everyday. At first I was optimistic and thought, “Aw, this is pleasant.” Then I read the list and I slowly became filled with rage at just how stupid and ridiculous some of these things are. I felt it was my duty to share this list as well as the problems that exist within it. As it turns out I had more to say on these things than I anticipated so I have broken it into 4 parts. I now present to you the second part. Continue Reading »

One of the joys worst things ever of the corporate world is gaining an email that a ton of people suddenly have access to. I now get all sorts of emails I never would have gotten before, ok that’s not entirely true since I made the mistake of letting my grandmother know my email. One of these splendid emails I got the other day was entitled 101 Small Pleasures You Can Enjoy Everyday. At first I was optimistic and thought, “Aw, this is pleasant.” Then I read the list and I slowly became filled with rage at just how stupid and ridiculous some of these things are. I felt it was my duty to share this list as well as the problems that exist within it. As it turns out I had more to say on these things than I anticipated so I have broken it into 4 parts. I present to you the first part. Continue Reading »

With Food Sex or Cars now in the rearview for 2010, we turn toward closing out the year which means going to some our stock articles until the end of the year. We plan to look back at the year that was, writing one big old obituary for all the celebrities we lost, and tackling once again the red and green menace that insists upon your attention like the demanding mistress it is.

But before we get there – it is only the second week of December after all – here are five random things deserving comment that I can’t figure out how to weave into a cohesive narrative. Continue Reading »

Getting a cold is generally awful. Your nose runs, you ache all over, and you spend the better part of two weeks hacking up all the colors of the disgusting rainbow. We all know this. But like anything else, it isn’t all bad. There are things about getting sick, that in their own weird way, sort of rule.

I bring this up because I feel half shitty trending down. This couldn’t possibly come at a worse time as I’m busier than a whore’s ass on nickel night, so to say that I’m throwing everything I have at this cold is an understatement. Emergen-C! Zicam! Crazy herbal shit! Whiskey! If you have a crazy cold remedy, toss it my way.

But life is life, so if I get sick, I’ll just have to buck up and deal. And if that happens, well, here are the five things I’m looking forward to about it. Continue Reading »

Dear Hobo,

I appreciate seeing you during my commute on the corner of Speer and Blake, because when I see you I know I am on my way home. I also enjoy the can-do-never-give-up attitude you exhibit on a daily basis. I understand things can happen in life and not everyone has the ability to hold down a job, it happens. And I’m sure the recent state of the economy hasn’t helped either. But these things haven’t stopped you from trying to live a white collar dream and get fast, easy, unearned cash from hard working people. Continue Reading »

Some mornings just start so nicely, you just awake in a good mood, there’s no barking from the dog, no smog, a breakfast with no hog, er wait, I like bacon. The point is everything in the world just feels right. Then you get into the elevator at work and the lingering aroma from the last occupant assaults your nostrils and sends the day down a whole new awful direction.

The weird thing is the smell wasn’t a fart, or a rotting corpse, or some other foul rancid odor. The scent that set me off was the fragrance of some, I’m presuming, woman’s perfume. Now for the most part I love the way women smell, usually they smell so pretty. This particular morning the perfume wafting through the tiny compartment was that of a cocoanut persuasion. It smelled like a goddamned pina colada in that elevator. Now I’m not against pina coladas, but if given options I wouldn’t drink one. But that is not where the problem lies. The problem comes from Rupert Holmes and his asstacular song “Escape (The Pina Colada Song).” Continue Reading »

One of the favorite all time jokes of CJS is Lewis Black’s “If it weren’t for my horse…” joke. The gist of the joke is that Lewis is sitting in the International House of Pancakes when a young woman of 25 says the single dumbest thing he’s ever heard. She says, “If it weren’t for my horse… I wouldn’t have spent that year in college,” a statement so disarmingly stupid, they eventually find Lew dead in his bathroom deceased from apparently attempting to unpack a sentence that idiotically vexing and keeling over from the frustration.

With that as your context, I submit the following… Continue Reading »

As I sent off my tax return a couple of months ago, well in advance of today’s deadline, I thought about the IRS, which naturally led me to think about Irwin R. Schyster (IRS) in the WWF in the early 90s. If you don’t know why this was the logical progression of thought, this is obviously your first day at the CJS.

Everyone hates the IRS, and with good cause – they’re the collections agents of the federal government that wastes our money and has been rapidly accruing the largest debt in our country’s history with no sign of stopping anytime soon. So why wasn’t IRS the most hated character in WWF history? This should have been a slam dunk, and yet it wasn’t.  IRS was a midcarder who won the tag team championship once with Ted Dibiase (we’ll get to him in a second). Why? Continue Reading »

Welcome to a totally tubular Monday Confessional here at the gnarly, radical, and totally righteous Cru Jones Society. This week we’re totally 80s and we asked you: What is an 80s (or early 90s) fad you totally participated in? Since we’re based off the best 80s movie of all-time, this question is right up our alley, and apparently it’s in four of our readers’ wheelhouses too. So pop in your favorite Real Life single, and let’s revisit the day-glo paradise where cocaine, materialism, and really fucked up hairstyles ruled the day. And if you don’t like it, bag your face. Continue Reading »

For the past two years, the Cru Jones Society has been a major part of my life. Spending the week looking back at these two years I realize I have a few random thoughts that by themselves do not warrant a whole post. Well, you understand how these random musing posts work, so here’s one centered more about our fun site that I call my internet home, though not the one marked as my homepage on the browser bar. Continue Reading »