Archive for the 'Nonsense' Category

Internal, Nonsense

CJS Hot Seat: Anniversary Edition


Welcome to the CJS Hot Seat. Since we went ahead and appropriated one old Sportscenter segment for our use, might as well borrow another one. Inside, Hart and Dagger have agreed to a Q&A session where nothing is out-of-bounds, you must answer the question in front of you, and questions will go on as long as they have to. It’s sort of like the early version of UFC, but between two candy asses, and if sparring sessions were conducted over miles of fiberoptic cables. Continue Reading »

Nonsense, Sport

Random Musings, Winter Olympics Edition

The Olympics are truly an amazing event. For two weeks they become the central focus for most people. The water cooler talks revolve around Shaun White’s big air, USA wining a sweet hockey game, or the fall of some ice skating couple. Never wanting to be left out, I too become consumed by the Olympics and my thoughts are overwhelmed in the spirit. But sometimes those thoughts don’t generate much and we wind up with some random musings, Olympic edition. Continue Reading »


If Dagger Had a Robot

Ironically, not at all what my robot would like like. Important note: Bender's still awesome.

To complete this week’s trifecta of weirdness, it’s my turn to share with you what my life would be like if I had a robot. Our criteria was very simple. Using any technology you want, including technology that has even been invented yet (and some that most likely will never exist), what features would your robot have, what would it look like, and what would a day with such a robot entail?

Both Hart and Brad decided to use their robots for pure pleasure and ridiculous fun. Hart’s robot played theme music, shouted out Jeopardy! questions for whenever he got bored, and shaved his head and face whenever he wanted. Brad chose features that would make anyone’s inner 8 year-old squeal with glee, what with his ice cream shooting arm, pogo legs, giant knockers, and never-ending supply of good time Huey Lewis music. While the allure of a hot lather shave on demand and traveling via pogo on the back of a big-titted ice cream producer are both undeniably alluring, I chose to take a different tack with my robot. Continue Reading »


If Brad Had a Robot

Brad’s mad scientist friend. Looks sort of familiar… 

Today’s guest post comes from Brad, who, along with a cast of disturbed characters, writes at the sometimes gross, often offensive, always hilarious Spherx’s Domain as extra-terrestrial columnist and namesake Spherx. He likes to unwind watching short videos produced by his talented colleagues at Nebulus Visions Multimedia, who strive to inspire and promote creativity through art. He also enjoys popping open iTunes to check out their Nebcast, where they tackle a variety of subjects, but mostly focus on movies. For now, he answers the question: What would happen ”If Brad Had a Robot”?

So, I was skateboarding to school today when I stopped off at my crazy scientist friend’s lab for guitar practice. Usually he’s not home in the morning and, to my surprise, today he was – busily working on some new experiment. When I asked him what he was up to, he replied by asking me, “Brad, if you could have any robot in the world, what kind of robot would that be?” Continue Reading »


If Hart Had a Robot

Glass. Ice. Gin. Tonic. Lime. 

In the opening scene of Short Circuit, we are treated to a demonstration of what the robots can do, which includes making a gin and tonic. Now if you’re anything like us, when you saw a multimillion dollar robot complete a menial task with as much grace as Helen Keller you thought, “Damn, I need a Gin-and-Tonic-Bot!” Dagger and I spent several months wishing we had a robot to make our gin and tonics, never any other drinks, just the gin and tonics. But that was years ago. Since then we have put our jobs aside and thought more about what we would really want if we had a robot. So this week is dedicated to our dream robots. Continue Reading »

Confessional, Nonsense

The Superchild Calculation

Son of Jor-El: Go to Earth and become a dorky newspaper reporter. 

Confessional time again, and we asked you to play God. Unfortunately, no one seemed terribly interested in playing, so we’re a bit light once again. We suspect last week’s question (What song makes its way onto your mixtapes most often?) and this week’s question: “You get to make a superchild for any reason. Which two people do you take DNA from to make this kid?” are just a tad abstract and since you likely have plenty to do, pondering the DNA of a hypothetical child isn’t exactly high on your list of priorities. So next week’s topic is much more straightforward. Check it out at the bottom.

But first, let’s take a look at some superchildren. We had fun with this, and we hope you do too. So welcome to the Confessional, and answer our new question at the bottom. Continue Reading »


Random Musings On A Humpday

Damn this is a sexy picture 

I once had a girlfriend who over used the phrase, “That’s was random.” Usually whatever I was talking about wasn’t that random. Most of the time I stay pretty grounded with my verbal communications. My mind may wander and not be in synch with itself, but I usually keep those in my head. But every now and then I jot those down and we get the collection you find here before you. So if by some chance this ex-girlfriend actually reads the site she can go ahead use her favorite phrase and not sound like a complete idiot. The rest of you can just enjoy these thoughts. Continue Reading »

Internal, Nonsense

The Top Five Reasons You Should Come to the Denver Tweetup This Thursday

The Rackhouse, baby! 

1) It benefits charity.

The only required admission is one unwrapped toy to benefit the Denver Santa Claus Shop to help make the holiday dreams of underprivileged families come true. We may be critical of Christmas around here, but a lot of good comes out of this season, and this is just another way to spread good cheer and help those that need it. Besides…

2) You get feel good while getting to feel good.

The Rackhouse Pub has 20 beers on tap (predominantly featuring Colorado microbrews), a buttload of domestics available by the bottle, and proudly serves Stranahan’s Colorado Whiskey, from whom it rents its space. And the best part? All this stuff is available at happy hour prices all night. So even if you’re a miserable, heartless alcoholic, come to the Tweetup for kickin’ drink specials and do something good by accident. Ya’ bastard.

3) You keep your noodle active with trivia from the vaunted Redhead.

Let’s count down the top 3 things we love about The Redhead (so far): 3) Promised a gratuitous boob shot for reaching 1,000 followers on Twitter, and delivered magnificently; 2) Advocates for copious amounts of oral sex to ensure world peace; 1) Chick got a brain! She always keeps us on our toes and catches us off guard with her candor, wit, and high-level intellect. How is that not the recipe for a fabulous round of trivia?

4) You get to meet the Cru Jones Society.

We’re emerging from our writing cave to mingle amongst the masses for the first time, and we’d love for you to come down to hang out with us. We love booze, we love trivia, and we’re one of the co-sponsors of this event, so you’re meeting us at our least surly. Come say hello! And make sure to register for trivia for the opportunity to win some boss CJS gear.

5) The gauntlet has been thrown down.

By us. Right now. Our trivia team of Dagger, Hart, and CJS Regulars Keithage, Corriander, twodogszk, and Deuce can’t lose. If we don’t walk out of here champions, we’ll be very surprised. Think you’re better? Come down and prove it. And in the words of Crash Davis – Don’t bring us that weak ass junk, meat. Cuz we’re ready.

And we can’t wait to see you there. If you’re in the Denver area, come to the Tweetup (register here – you can only get in with a ticket) and benefit charity, throw a few back with your friends, meet the CJS, and test your mettle against us.

Can’t wait to see you all there!

Dagger & Hart



Interesting Text Message

I didn’t make that smell. Don’t look at me. 

Hi everyone. Yes, I’m back and I’m now hitched. Lady E and I had a tremendous wedding, and an even better honeymoon. I’m sure stories from each of those events will come out over time, but for now, they’re just for us. But fear not, we have for you an in-depth mythological examanition of supernatural phenomena – a question that has plagued scholars and historians for decades – in its place. Enjoy! 

Dagger: Do you think vampires poop? Continue Reading »

Confessional, Nonsense

Them’s Fightin’ Words

Do bears fight in the woods? 

Welcome to the Cru Jones Society fight night. Technically it’s not night when most of you read this, but fight morning and fight afternoon don’t sound as good. We wanted to know who you would take on if you could fight anyone living, dead, or fictional. We have six fights scheduled for the card, and since we don’t have any video packages to waste time let’s get Bruce Buffer out here to start the thing. What? Our not for profit site can’t afford Mr. Buffer? Can we, “say let’s get ready to rumble,” without being sued? No? Fine, then just touch gloves and come out fighting. Continue Reading »

Confessional, Nonsense

Showdown: Dog People VS Cat People

The epic battle commences 

We expected a firestorm of responses this week since this is a long-debated topic, but a relatively easy one to answer. What we got was barely a spark of debate. We figured our question: Are you a dog or cat person? would rage on like a Malibu wildfire like it often does during tavern exchanges that start off friendly, but ultimately escalate into unpleasantness before someone steps in and ends the acrimony with an offer to buy a round of kamikazes for everyone. Sadly, seeing as this is the internet, we have no alcohol. However, the responses we did get were excellent, so come on inside and we’ll see who the big CJS winner is: Cats or dogs. Feel free to add your two cents to the comments section. Continue Reading »


Random Musings on a Tuesday Morning, Hart Edition

Dance you Tuesday away, worries for another day, let the music play, down at CJS 

I have just started an algebra class. I haven’t taken any kind of math class in 7 years or so. Also numbers and my brain don’t really get along, so I have been working hard at it and have fried a lot of the real information I try to keep up there. I have somehow managed to maintain these random thoughts and have juggled them around all weekend long. Now I will share them you, or annoy you with them. Either way, someone will have fun. Continue Reading »

Love Lounge, Nonsense

E Dagger’s Ultimate Wedding

 With E Dagger’s help, you could have the most insanely fun wedding of all time.

With the Dagger wedding almost fully planned and looming on the horizon, and since the wedding I’ll actually have differs drastically from the wedding I envisioned in college, I thought it appropriate to share with the CJS faithful the wedding I dreamt up there.

So, if you’re female, be prepared to be horrified and sit in wonderment at what crazy voodoo spell I put on Lady E to convince her to marry my goofy ass. And if you’re male, be prepared for a fantasy thrill ride putting every wedding you’ve ever been to to shame and sit in jealousy wondering, “Fuck, that’s great. Why didn’t I think of that?” If you’re not married, there’s still time. Feel free to poach any one of these ideas, run them by your lady, and if she says yes to any of them, propose on the spot. Trust me. If a woman agrees to any of the ridiculous bullshit I’ve concocted here, stop your search for a soul mate because you’ve found her. The odds of a woman liking anything I’ve written below hover somewhere between 1,000-1 and 8 zillion-1. In other words, Vegas no longer has these odds on the board. Continue Reading »


To Bill Brasky!

Hey, I know Bill Brasky!

Do you guys know a fella by the name of Bill Brasky?

Bill Brasky is a son of a bitch!

Best damn salesman in the office!

They say he’s 6 foot 9, 380 lbs! Continue Reading »


Interesting Text Message

Cru Jones Racing! 

Mirandawesome:  I just this minute figured out who Cru Jones is.

Hart:  Oh yeah? Are you watching Rad? Continue Reading »

Confessional, Nonsense

Ruling With An Iron Fist

heh heh heh huh huh huh Fisto 

This week’s question, If you could be any historical tyrant, who would you be, has roots a little different than our other questions. Normally we have a brainstorming session to choose our Confessional questions, but not this one. We will let Senor Limon explain how this question came about.

“We have a long and storied history with this question, since Hart, Dagger and I came up with it while drunkenly hitting on random women in a random Tucson bar during the first ever CJS annual rendezvous. Well, Hart and I were drunkenly hitting women. As I recall, we were laughing off a particularly hilarious rejection as two girls brushed me off for not being familiar with whatever obscure Russian author she was currently reading as a part of her graduate studies in Russian literature.  On a side note, higher education is a great thing, but forgetting that you have chosen to specialize in a tiny subset of human knowledge and convincing yourself that what you’re studying is the only important thing in the world is simply unforgivable. Anyway, the conversation somehow devolved into an argument over the artistic styling of one of the random ass paintings on the wall at the bar. As my question of what literary character would you be was brushed off by the Russian lit grade student as trite, we came up with the historical tyrant question as one of the most awkward and guaranteed hilariously unsuccessful pickup lines ever.”

So when we started the Monday Confessional feature, we couldn’t help but to constantly bring this question up, and so finally we posed it to all of our loyal readers. So which historical tyrant would you be? We’ll go first. Continue Reading »

Essay, Nonsense

4 Real Guilty Pleasures

“We find these pleasures… guilty! May God have mercy on their soul.”

Last month CJS dedicated its Monday Confessional to “guilty pleasures.” In general, we find the concept of a guilty pleasure to be patently ridiculous, and said as much in the preamble to each question. No one should have to feel guilty about something they genuinely derive enjoyment from when it comes to music, movies, booze, or innocent homosexual crushes.

In 2004, Chuck Klosterman wrote a terrific essay deconstructing Entertainment Weekly’s Encyclopedia of Guilty Pleasures. In it, he asserts:

“What the authors of The Encyclopedia of Guilty Pleasures (and everyone else who uses this term) fail to realize is that the only people who believe in some kind of universal taste-a consensual demarcation between what’s artistically good and what’s artistically bad-are insecure, uncreative elitists who need to use somebody else’s art to validate their own limited worldview. It never matters what you like; what matters is why you like it.”

We absolutely agree, but this isn’t to say that guilty pleasures are non-existent. Continue Reading »

Confessional, Nonsense

It’s a Bird! It’s a Plane! It’s The Monday Confessional!

 These two don’t have super powers!

Good morning true believers! Welcome to another wonderful week at Cru Jones Society. As we have been doing for the past several months, we start the week with Monday Confessional. This week we had a super and powerful question for you. In fact it was a question about super powers. With so many options, and because we are comic book nerds and have considered this question since we first saw Superman leap a tall building in a single bound, we wanted to know what super power you would have? We got so many responses and if we all some how get these powers, we will be ready to start our own Avengers (or Super Friends if DC is more your speed. Or X-Men, since we nerded it up and don’t want to exclude our casual fans). Now read on and let us stop monologuing. Continue Reading »

Essay, Nonsense

Climb Aboard the (Freak) Shuttle

“C’mon in! It smells weird!”

As a workaday slave reporting to my 18th floor office gulag everyday, I get all the privileges and headaches associated with urban employment. There’s a ton of cool places to eat, but nowhere to park. I walk past a large cast of colorful characters each morning on my way to the office, but most of them ask me for money. There’s a free shuttle taking you right through the heart of one of downtown’s main arteries housing abundant shopping, assorted and tasty restaurants, and plenty of otherwise cool shit to do, but you have to share the bus with the weirdest collection of freaky and confusing yardbirds this side of a gay pride parade in the deep South.

And that’s what we’re here to discuss today. Continue Reading »


Party Down

Eyes Wide Shut Style 

I spent this past Friday getting pissed drunk while wearing goofy golfing attire; mainly Plaid shorts and a lot of argyle. More on that next week though. But drinking with a bunch of people wearing more or less the same thing got me to thinking about the college staple: Theme Parties. There are times when getting together to drink just isn’t good enough for some people. They require extra work and added hassle to their alcohol consumption. While my alcoholism doesn’t care what I’m wearing as long as something cold and tasty is sliding down my gullet, I enjoy the occasional theme party, if the theme feels more original. So find a DD, put on your fancy hats, and let’s (theme) party down. Continue Reading »

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