Archive for the 'Sport' Category


5th Annual Kentucky Derby Awards

Welcome to the 5th Annual (and Final!) CJS Kentucky Derby Awards. The 138th Annual running of the Kentucky Derby Awards brings to a close our time together here on the interwebs, and it’s almost like the universe knew we were throwing in the towel and decided to send us off in style with the alcohol equivalent of a massive Viking funeral. Valhalla here we come!

So join us for one last romp during the sport of kings where we ogle the mancandy wearing gorgeous suits, we make references to movies that are 20 years old and laugh hysterically about them, and the big winner of the day is somehow Nate Diaz. Continue Reading »


CJS Fact or Fiction: Sports Fandom Edition

Welcome to the 2nd edition of CJS Fact or Fiction (the first, covering booze, can be found here). Today, your faithful CJS authors Lee S. Hart and E Dagger tackle six statements related to sports fandom. Can a grown man wear his favorite athlete’s jersey in public? What is the proper behavior for foul balls? What about hockey pucks? Who wants to hear about your fantasy football team? All this and more await inside.

You decide who wins. Just let us know in the comments section. Let’s play! Continue Reading »


A Sportswriter’s Definition of “Bounty”: To Misdirect One’s Outrage

“I swear to Christ, the next time we cross paths, I’m gonna flatten that cocksucker and make him hurt.” I sat crouched and waited for him to run near me. As soon as he thought he was past me, and, coincidentally, once his guard was down, I sprung like a mousetrap and buried my shoulder into his solar plexus and drove him into the hard ground to finish the point. He coughed up the ball, then a bunch of air and mucus. I didn’t regret it. And fuck him. Let him cough.

You know who thought that, and then carried out those semi-despicable actions? It wasn’t someone angling for $1,000 extra dollars at the urging of his coach. It was me. During a game of full contact dodgeball. For fun. In gym class. In high school. And why? Because he had the audacity to ping one right in my grill, which was fully within the rules, and then laugh about it with his friends. I felt slighted. I felt embarrassed. I needed to get my pride back. I needed vengeance. So I lit him up good.

Last week we all learned that noted dickhead Gregg Williams, former defensive coordinator of the New Orleans Saints, put bounties of usually $1,000 or so on opposing players, and rewarded his players for injuring them. The usual gang of idiots predictably began frantically waving their arms about the outrage of it all and the thumb sucking Greek chorus of sportswriters denounced these dreadful actions for pissing in the sacred lake of purity that is the National Football League. Chief asshole Roger Goodell has been particularly strident in his denouncements. And what a load of shit it all was. Continue Reading »

Movie, Sport

Summer Homestand: Moneyball

Every Wednesday between now and the end of baseball season (of 2009) the Cru Jones Society brings you a new baseball movie examined for both overall entertainment value and treatment of our favorite game. This is a special edition of that series. To suggest a film, email us at staff [at] Otherwise, pour yourself an $8 beer, crack some shells, and let’s play ball.

 Date Released: September 23, 2011
Box Office Total (as of 10/2/2011): $38,469,000
Team Featured: Oakland Athletics

“It’s unbelievable what you don’t know about a game you play every day.”– Mickey Mantle, the opening quote in Moneyball.

It’s said that being creative is seeing the same thing as everybody else but thinking of something different. Inventors do this, business leaders do this, comedians do this, and in 2002, Billy Beane did this with baseball player evaluation. Moneyball tells the story of creativity in a classically stubborn and traditionalist sport. It’s less a story about baseball, and more a story of the challenge of innovation and reward of determination. Continue Reading »

Essay, Sport

R.I.P. “Macho Man” Randy Savage

When I was a kid, Randy’s Mother (aka Macho Mom) would always make sure that Randy would put aside tickets for when the WWF or WCW would come to Chicago. During a show in 1992 or 1993, me and my brother were actually granted the opportunity to go backstage. For the 6-year-old me, this was the most awesomest thing possible.

I don’t remember what happened during the show, but I do have a vague memory of what happened when I was able to go backstage. I’m not sure of what my expectations were of going backstage, but at that point in my life I was sure of 3 things: Wrestling was 100% real, there were Good Guys who were super heroes, and there were Bad Guys that were super villains.

We were met backstage by some WWF people who were leading us into the locker room area, and we were brought to Randy to say hello. There were a bunch of other wrestlers around, which was really cool but there was one problem: the good guys were hanging out and being cordial to the bad guys! Seeing good guys like Brett Hart sharing laughs with bad guys like Jake “The Snake” Roberts was almost traumatic to see; like seeing your Dad french kiss your aunt. It simply wasn’t supposed to happen.

I was sad, scared and confused. I gathered up the courage to ask why the Good Guys were friends with the Bad Guys. Randy said, “We’re not. We’re just tricking them. You’ll see.”

After this, a WWF rep was showing us some other areas of the backstage. I don’t remember what we saw, but I know when we circled back to the area where Randy was, all of the wrestlers I had seen before were back in character. Bad guys were yelling at Good Guys about how they were going to kick their butt and Good Guys were holding each other back from attacking the bad guys.

This. Was. Awesome. It IS real! Of course it is!

Randy didn’t know me too well, but he cared enough about a young fan and professional wrestling to keep the illusion and innocence alive.

While, as I said earlier, I cannot claim that we were particularly close, I do send my condolences to those in our family who were. He made a lot of people happy.

The above is not my story, but it’s my favorite tribute to “Macho Man” Randy Savage I’ve read over the last four days. It belongs to a gentleman named Adam, who was Randy Savage’s second cousin, and it was sent to Drew Magary of Deadspin who included it in his latest edition of the Funbag

“Macho Man” Randy Savage died Friday of a car crash in Tampa, Florida. This is my tribute to him. Continue Reading »


4th Annual Kentucky Derby Awards

Welcome to the 4th Annual CJS Kentucky Derby Awards. We reconvened for the 137th running of the Kentucky Derby at Churchill Downs this past Saturday with a fistful of unhealthy snacks, a brand new cocktail, and a mindset for the day: Needs more horse.

So while we may not write with the vigor we used to (afterall, you’re looking at this 6 days after the Derby has concluded), that has not diminished our appetite for cracking jokes at the expense of NBC’s (admittedly) excellent coverage of the Kentucky Derby. So strap in, because we’ve got adultery jokes, The Big Brown Upside Down Sexual Innuendo Award, fat buglers, horse sex, and the undeniable brilliance of Animal Kingdom. Continue Reading »


Hatesport! E Dagger’s 5 Least Favorite Teams

The genesis of this article came last Monday night. Lady E worked late. I breathed easily after a local news piece on my company that could have gone either way turned out largely positive. The Rockies sat 12-3 with the best record in all of baseball, and the buttfucking World Series Champion San Francisco Giants rolled into town for a little old school baseball bloodmatch. The team that had it against the hot team that wanted it. Fuck yeah! Baseball time!

Then Esmil Rogers promptly exploded and spotted five runs in the first inning to Tim Lincecum, giving up a 3-run homer to goddamn Pat Burrell who was hitting .190 at that point and one epic shot immediately thereafter to Nate Schierholtz who, despite being someone I have never fucking heard of, became the first one to put it in the right field upper deck this season. Christ…

This reminded me of just how much I hate the fucking Giants. Granted, I don’t hate them enough to beat one of their fans into a coma, but then I’m not a Los Angeles psychopath. I sporthate the Giants an appropriate amount. This led me to think about who else is at the peak of my sporthate. Continue Reading »

Movie, Sport

Summer Homestand: A Question of Verisimilitude

So I’m watching Rookie of the Year the other morning, and it’s the scene where the Cubs play the Mets for the NL Pennant. Gary Busey as Chet Steadman is out there laboring away with his thick ass mustache and hat full of crazy. He walks the bases loaded and begs his manager, the wildly emotion Sal Martinella, for just one more hitter. Steadman shakes off a bunch of pussy ass breaking balls and goes for the heater. He rears back, fires, and you hear his arm give out complete with a giant wail from an inexplicable electric guitar on the movie’s soundtrack. Continue Reading »


Our Opening Day Pitchmen

It’s time for one of the CJS HIgh Holidays: MLB Opening Day.Tomorrow we’ll be at the park with a beer in hand, cracking peanut shells and enjoying the greatest game on earth as it shepherds in the summer months. Around these parts, a new season not only brings a fresh sense of hope, but also a new batch of Rockies commercials. So let’s roll in the new season with the delightfully offbeat humor of the Rockies’ amazingly successful marketing efforts. Continue Reading »


On The Way To San Jose

Do you smell that? That’s the smell of spring, and that means baseball! As you’re all probably aware, The Cru Jones Society loves baseball and loves writing about baseball. With first pitch later this week we can hardly hold our excitement and had to bust out our first baseball articles of the season. But first the best way to encapsulate the start of baseball is with this classic WNYX promo.

OK, now grab your cap, a hot dog and a beer, and let’s play ball. Continue Reading »


2010 MLB Season Wrap-Up

The buttfucking San Francisco Giants are now World Champs, which means that sadly another season of baseball has come to a close. I hate the Giants with the power of 1,000 suns. They were the first team I ever hated because they destroyed the first team I ever really loved – the 1989 Cubs. To this day I hope Will Clark dies in a fire. And they play in the same division as the Rockies. And Bruce Bochy has one of the biggest, freakiest melons on planet earth. So yeah, uhhh, congrats to San Francisco, I guess.

Anyway, as we’ve done before,  let’s take a look back at our season predictions and see how we did. Thankfully, we’re not riding alone here as we have all of you to drag down with us.  Let’s get started. Continue Reading »


3rd Annual Kentucky Derby Awards

The 136th running of the Kentucky Derby happened this weekend and around here that is a holy day. After a day of drinking, snacking and imaginary betting we are happy to bring to you our annual Kentucky Derby Awards. This year the ridiculousness was flowing like our bourbon and we captured most of it to share with you. And now our round up of the filler surrounding the most exciting two minutes in sports. It won’t make up for the money you lost on Lookin At Lucky, it should at least make your morning less work filled. Continue Reading »


Best And Worst Winning Horse Names

One of the best parts about the Derby aside from the fancy hats, the all day drinking, the mocking of celebrities and the general feeling of awesomeness that comes from watching the sport of kings, is the horse names. We like this aspect so much we devoted a Confessional Question to it (be sure to answer that). But today I decided to scroll the list of winners over the past 27 years and I picked out the four names I liked the best, and the four I liked the least. Continue Reading »


CJS 1st Look: The Kentucky Derby Field

With the Kentucky Derby coming up Saturday, CJS wants to give you the first look at this year’s field. However, since we know nothing about the technical side of horse racing, haven’t followed it all year, and can’t be bothered to conduct actual research, you get the vital stats of each horse followed by a bunch of juvenile jokes about their names and odds we pulled completely out of our ass. All of the information below (except for our bullshit odds) can be found here.

So, enjoy! And please don’t base any potential wagers on any of our given odds. They are totally fabricated and written off the top of my head. One final warning, I’ve included pictures of all these horses, but have no idea if they’re accurate (except for the ones with the names on their blankets of course - smartass). You probably wouldn’t know the difference anyway, but in the interest of full disclosure, I thought I’d mention it. Let’s get started! Continue Reading »


How to Throw a Kickass Kentucky Derby Party

Since it’s Kentucky Derby Week (a.k.a. The Cru Jones Society High Holiday) our aim is to prepare you for the most exciting two minutes in sports. And since we’ll be watching this weekend (although not live – fucking real jobs fucking shit up this year), we thought it only apropos that we prepare you to have your own kickass Kentucky Derby party at your own house/condo/apartment/refrigerator box. Although if you’re partying in a refrigerator box, you likely won’t need an excuse to drink bourbon. Perhaps that’s in bad taste.

Below you’ll find the essential elements to having a Derby Party your friends won’t soon forget. So let’s get to it. Invite all the pimps and ladybitches you know. It’s Derby time, baby! Continue Reading »


CJS 2010 Baseball Prospectus: NL West

We wrap up our 2010 MLB Preview today with a trip to our beloved National League West where CJS’s hometown team is finally picked to win the division. There are other teams there too, but whatever. Go Rockies! Continue Reading »


CJS 2010 Baseball Prospectus: AL West

With opening day on Sunday, and due to our love of baseball, we thought we would get on the band wagon and give you our 2010 MLB preview reports. Over the next three days we will cover all 30 teams. We’ll start with the east and like Lewis and Clark, work our way west. The mornings will have our AL previews and at 12:30 (MST) you can catch the NL previews. Now let’s toss out the first pitch and get things under way. Continue Reading »


CJS 2010 Baseball Prospectus: NL Central

The National League Central is the assorted potpourri division of baseball. You’ve got a first class organization leading the way almost every year, an iconic franchise that can’t win the big one, a team that hasn’t been in the National League but for a decade or so, the former juggernaut, the team not even locals care about, and a franchise that hasn’t seen success since the first George Bush was in office. That’s a lot of real estate to cover, so let’s not waste any more time. Continue Reading »


CJS 2010 Baseball Prospectus: AL Central

With opening day on Sunday, and due to our love of baseball, we thought we would get on the band wagon and give you our 2010 MLB preview reports. Over the next three days we will cover all 30 teams. We’ll start with the east and like Lewis and Clark, work our way west. The mornings will have our AL previews and at 12:30 (MST) you can catch the NL previews. Now let’s toss out the first pitch and get things under way. Continue Reading »


CJS 2010 Baseball Prospectus: NL East

In general, the National League East is filled with teams I don’t care about. I know that I generally loathe East Coast sports writers, but what else would you expect from some prick living in the forgotten time zone? The NL East is filled with contenders (except for one obvious exception), and since we’ve got last year’s World Champions here, this is as good a place to start for the NL as anywhere. God knows that’s what all sportswriters do, so let’s make like the herd, and get to it. Welcome to your 2010 NL preview. Continue Reading »

Next »