Archive for the 'Things We Love' Category

Things We Love

Things We Love #8: When TNT shows The Fugitive on Sundays

“You find that man!” 

I sit here at CJS Headquarters having drank roughly a kiddie pool full of booze last night at a friend’s wedding trying my best to forget that my head feels like it’s being squeezed by Andre the Giant. And here’s The Fugitive right there on TNT. Hoo-ah! I know what I’m doing for the next 2+ hours. Is there a better way to kill a hangover than by watching this movie on a lazy afternoon? Answer: no.

“I didn’t kill my wife!”


And on TBS? Tommy Boy.

Awesome. God bless these stupid Ted Turner networks.

Things We Love

Things We Love #7: Thinking it’s a day earlier than it really is

 “Hey it’s, Thursday! What are you doing? Nothing? Can I come? No? Cool!”

I’ve spent the entire day thinking it’s Wednesday when it’s actually Thursday. Yesterday I thought it was Tuesday when it was really Wednesday. As I approach the end of this workday, I keep thinking, “Hmmmm… two more days of this shit. God, this week is going slowly.”

Then I remember that I’m an idiot and that I only have a half day tomorrow since I work until 6:00 every other night, and I get all happy with my retardo self. Miller Time for E Dagger!

This almost never happens, and in fact always seems to happen the other way. You’ll find yourself thinking it’s Wednesday when it’s really only Tuesday which REALLY makes the week drag on.

Having my experience this week is like thinking you already opened all your Christmas presents and then finding one hidden behind some gaudy, golden spray paint-covered macaroni ornament monstrosity you made in first grade. You swore this gift just appeared out of nowhere – but really your powers of observation are just terrible. You think you’re in for a couple more days of agonizingly boring monotony, but really you just can’t pay attention to your calendar.

The next time this happens to you, make sure and smile. Because god knows it won’t happen again and you’ll end up like Lady E calling me one tragic Monday at 11:00 a.m. “It feels like Friday.”

Wow, good luck with your week there, darlin’.

I’ll see you all next week. If you need me, I’ll be off drinking because it’s not actually Wednesday and I only have a half day tomorrow. Ha! Love it!


Things We Love

Things We Love #6: Dana White

Yes, I shave my own head. Got a problem with that? 

We at the Cru Jones Society are huge UFC fans. Hart and I can thank Sr. Limon for that as he was well ahead of the curve on mixed martial arts asking me to watch this with him five years ago. Now Hart and I get together for most of the big fights and excitedly down pitchers of beer watching two guys beat the bejeezus out of each other. UFC is becoming a household word, and a big reason for that is Dana White. Continue Reading »

Things We Love

Things We Love #5: Cereal

That sounds good, I’ll have that. 

Whether the day calls for an early rise, or a late one, my favorite way to prepare for what lies ahead is not with waffles dripping with warm maple syrup, or flaky biscuits covered with creamy sausage gravy. My morning food of choice is cold milk poured over cereal. Continue Reading »

Things We Love

Things We Love #4: Politeness in Attractive Women

Yeah, the bus says Dublin, I know. Sue me. 

Since the weather continues to improve, I thought it pertinent to mention a phenomenon I’ve noticed only in Denver.

When you drive downtown you see good-looking women in the crosswalks all the time. What’s funny is when they see the light change from green to yellow, they scamper across the street to avoid delaying anyone’s departure going the other way. I can’t think of any other city where this would happen.*

I suspect Los Angeles and New York women have a larger sense of self-importance and thus, couldn’t give one rat’s ass if they’re in the crosswalk when the light happens to change. They have places to be, dammit, and you’re probably just a peon sitting in some used car anyway. God bless Denver women who couple their good looks with disarming politeness!

Good looking women are granted more latitude in social situations and behavior than any other subset of the population. It’s refreshing to see them give back in a small way by preventing you from angrily gripping your steering wheel while silently cursing the crosswalk denizens for failing to adequately estimate how much time they would have in reaching the other side of the street, and then walking slowly anyway. These people are arrogant, annoying, and rude. Fuck them right in the ear.

The attractive women who scamper: Adorable.

The truth is, for a good looking woman, we’d probably wait. But their efforts are not unnoticed, nor unappreciated. In recognition of this, politeness among the attractive will forever remain under the prestigious banner: Thing We Love.


*Winter excluded – Everyone’s in a hurry to get the hell out of the elements in the winter. Good-looking women, good-looking men, butt ugly people, kids, the elderly, etc. This observation is null and void when everyone is freezing their nips off.

Things We Love

Things We Love #3: Pieing

For decades now many gags have come and gone, the whoopee cushion, pull my finger, a rubber chicken (I have never understood that one.) But there is one that has withstood the test of time and is funny no matter how, or when it’s used, the pie in the face, or pieing, gag.

Heh Heh you said pie.

I Like Pie

Pieing was made popular almost a century ago by such acts as Laurel & Hardy, and The Three Stooges, who would shove a pie in each others face, and I laughed. To this day I’ve seen pieing in sitcoms, cartoons, as well as sports. Many times during the post game interview with a ball (as was established yesterday, this means baseball) players who has had a great outing get a pie the face from his team mates. And everytime, I laugh.

Like most jokes when you don’t see it coming, it’s funny. But unlike most jokes, even when you do see it coming, it’s still funny. And no matter what, a pie to the face will always be funnier than someone humping a pie.

What I love most about pieing is that the pied is humiliated. But it’s not a humiliation like when you make fun of their hair, or shoes. Nor is it humiliation that comes from a hit to the nards. It’s a more wholesome humiliation. Pieing is one of few comedic instances where the butt of the joke is truly being laughed with and not laughed at.

For a night of wholesome fun remember four simple words…

“Ten Banana Cream Pies!”

If it’s good enough for Lary, Curly, and Moe, it’s good enough for me.

Things We Love

Things We Love #2: Awkwardness in Newscasts

Newscasts are essentially worthless. We all know this. We accept it. At a half hour, only the most broadly applicable news stories will merit coverage. And since news stations survive on advertising dollars, you know nothing genuinely critical of the system as a whole will merit meaningful coverage. Furthermore, television newscasts have to provide information to the broadest possible audience, which means each story will increase your knowledge by approximately a quarter of a percentage point. Essentially worthless…

Why did I have to be next to Soicher? Geez…

However, there’s one moment in every newscast that keeps me coming back night after night. When the sports reporter finishes his (or her) report and tosses it back to the anchor, there’s always a 15 second conversation that’s awkward as hell.

The anchors clearly know nothing about sports (and couldn’t care less – they’re journalists, you know) but have to segue out of the sports report. Therefore, the anchor makes a trite witticism vaguely pertinent to the last sports newsbit that the zany sports guy zanily responds to. Zealous fake laughter from both anchors and the sports guy ensues. They throw it to commercial. And we sit in our homes blissfully unaware that everyone on the set hates the sportscaster and hates this segue more than they hate the ever-decreasing audience that increasingly turns to the internet for news.

This is my favorite moment in every newscast because it serves as the perfect snapshot of the remarkably contrived presentation of television news. I will sit through a half hour of Adele Arakawa’s absurdly large hair and overly serious delivery just for the moment she has to make stilted-but-polite conversation with Drew Soicher despite masking a look that would otherwise indicate she views him as a leper.

Drew, a response?

“A leper? At least my pinky never looked like Brian Baldinger’s or Ronnie Lott’s!”

That’s true! A ha ha ha ha ha…. (long re-charging inhale) Ahhhhhhhhh… We’ll be right back.

Things We Love

Things We Love #1: Troy Tulowitzki

“Things We Love” is a recurring feature you’ll find in the months to come here on the Cru Jones Society. We’re making a running list of all the things we love, and it begins today. Since today is Opening Day of yet another glorious baseball season, it seems only proper kick off this list by paying tribute to the Rockies youngest and brightest star.

Image credit to, copyright by Joe Mahoney 2007


Here’s what ESPN baseball writer Jayson Stark had to say about Tulo and the last play of the NLCS last season:

“I can’t remember any 22-year-old player who walked into any clubhouse and took over the way Tulowitzki did. And the attitude with which he plays the position is incredible. Anybody remember the last play of the NLCS? It was that Eric Byrnes checked-swing roller that, 95 percent of the time on all other teams, is the third baseman’s ball. But Jamie Carroll just pulled up and let Tulowitzki take it. I asked about that afterward, and Carroll told me he could FEEL Tulowitzki coming and knew how much he wanted to make that play. Then I asked Tulowitzki about the last out, and before I could even finish the question, he said: ‘I’ll tell you one thing. I wanted the ball hit to ME.’ Isn’t that exactly what you want in a centerpiece shortstop — a guy who is one out from the World Series and wants the ball hit to him so much that he’ll practically run over the guy next to him to field it?”

And this is from Tom Verducci of Sports Illustrated:

“In his first season Tulowitzki called out teammates, not just opponents; dragged a franchise that had never won a playoff series into its first Fall Classic; earned his own goose-bump-raising signature chant at Coors Field (rhythmic clapping followed by a shout of Tu-LO!); then signed the biggest contract (six years, $31 million with a club option for $15 million in 2014) given to a player with less than two years of service — after which he bought his mother a house and promised to be a fixture in the Denver community. ‘I’m willing to do that and want to do that,’ Tulowitzki says.

“Team leader? Community activist? Baseball ambassador? Antidrug advocate? Power-hitting shortstop who’s built like Cal Ripken (6′ 3″, 205 pounds), moves like Robin Yount and leads like Derek Jeter? There can be only one question about a 23-year-old who meets the franchise-player gold standard

“How the heck did he last until the seventh pick”

And he’s all ours, BABY!

And just so I’m on record before the season starts, here’s my prediction for the Rockies: They go 92-70 winning the National League West advancing past the Phillies (again) and finishing the Cubs off in 7 games in the NLCS.

They win the World Series over Detroit in 6 games when Miguel Cabrera out-eats a Shetland pony and collapses from cholesterol poisoning trying to stretch a single. Dontrelle Willis will dislocate his hip in Game 6 after hanging five consecutive curveballs leading to homeruns by Tulo, Helton, Holliday, Atkins and Hawpe.

Franklin Morales rides his 98 mph fastball on the way to striking out 200 hitters. Tulo hits 25 homeruns and leads all shortstops in fielding percentage again. Manny Corpas eats other teams’ SOULS by saving 40 games and having a K/9 Innings above 10. And finally, Clint Hurdle has to have reconstructive jaw surgery from chewing his gum too vigorously.

Thank God baseball is back. I’ll see you at the park…

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