Confessional, Holiday

Wishin’ the (St. Patty’s) Day Away

Welcome back to the Monday Confessional where we both lament the fact that it’s Monday and bare our souls for the betterment of our fellow human. Or we simply make fun of each other for the bizarre choices we make. Today’s prompt, in honor of St. Patrick’s Day, which should provide an ample shitshow this year considering it’s on a Saturday, is: What would you wish for if a leprechaun granted you three wishes?

As always, staff responses are first, Regulars chime in afterward. If you forgot to confess this week, have a comment on a fellow confessor, or simply want to voice any opinion, please do so in the comments. We’ll have next week’s prompt at the article’s conclusion, so please join us here once again seven days from now. But first, your confessions. Continue Reading »

Friday

Happy Friday #99: Hart & Dagger Edition

Unreal to think we’re almost at triple digits with our Friday institution. To celebrate this milestone, let’s all adjourn to the Hart and Dagger Saloon (goddamn obstinate signmaker spelled Hart’s name wrong) for Flabongo beers, gin rickeys, and Bagel Bites for all! Unfortunately for, well, everyone, according to CJS Regular CassieB, the Hart & Dagger Saloon sits in a ghetto ass part of Oakland, which is just as well, since we’re basically in the ghetto of the internet. Seriously, if you put the internet on a map, we’re in between a crappy bodega where the candy’s locked up and a check cashing place, down the street from a methadone clinic.

So instead, let’s celebrate Fridays like we always do, with juicy, time-wasting links! In today’s edition, apps ‘n ‘zerts, practical uses for cartoon characters, pointing out the idiocy of the highest rated show on AMC, the dumbest and most ostentatious fucking car in history, and much, much more. Happy Friday, sucka! Continue Reading »

Music

More Than Just Sound

At the Experience Music Project there is this room devoted to the guitar, an amazing room. In this room was a video playing featuring classic guitar greats like Les Paul and Django Reinhardt and those who can just make the guitar sing. Meanwhile, in the room next door was an exhibit on Jimi Hendrix, another amazing guitarist. But Jimi Hendrix didn’t make his guitar sing as much as it was screaming. Both rooms filled with excellent guitar playing, yet there are people who would love one room and hate the other. This happens often, actually this happens with anyone who dislikes some kind of music.

I wanted to know why this is the case and I have a theory. Continue Reading »

Sport

A Sportswriter’s Definition of “Bounty”: To Misdirect One’s Outrage

“I swear to Christ, the next time we cross paths, I’m gonna flatten that cocksucker and make him hurt.” I sat crouched and waited for him to run near me. As soon as he thought he was past me, and, coincidentally, once his guard was down, I sprung like a mousetrap and buried my shoulder into his solar plexus and drove him into the hard ground to finish the point. He coughed up the ball, then a bunch of air and mucus. I didn’t regret it. And fuck him. Let him cough.

You know who thought that, and then carried out those semi-despicable actions? It wasn’t someone angling for $1,000 extra dollars at the urging of his coach. It was me. During a game of full contact dodgeball. For fun. In gym class. In high school. And why? Because he had the audacity to ping one right in my grill, which was fully within the rules, and then laugh about it with his friends. I felt slighted. I felt embarrassed. I needed to get my pride back. I needed vengeance. So I lit him up good.

Last week we all learned that noted dickhead Gregg Williams, former defensive coordinator of the New Orleans Saints, put bounties of usually $1,000 or so on opposing players, and rewarded his players for injuring them. The usual gang of idiots predictably began frantically waving their arms about the outrage of it all and the thumb sucking Greek chorus of sportswriters denounced these dreadful actions for pissing in the sacred lake of purity that is the National Football League. Chief asshole Roger Goodell has been particularly strident in his denouncements. And what a load of shit it all was. Continue Reading »

Essay

My Renewed Disdain for the Urban Hippie

(Hoo hoo hoo! Looks who’s back! That byline is correct. We told you this anniversary would be special. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome back to the Cru Jones Society: Senor Limon!)

Those who know me well can attest to the fact that for many years the two things I really despise in this world are hippies and babies.  They both smell bad, they’re incapable of cleaning themselves, neither have jobs and they both basically sit around all day doing nothing with some kind of entitled expectation to have everything they need in the world provided for them.  I suppose that if I had to choose between living with a baby and living with a hippie, I’d probably choose the hippie because if I neglected to take care of a hippie and it died, I probably wouldn’t have to go to jail.  It would still be a close call. Continue Reading »

Love Lounge

The 7 Lies (Apparently) All Women Tell Men

Welcome back to the Cru Jones Society Love Lounge. This is where we take a dating or relationship advice column, and tear it to shreds. Why? Because most dating and relationship advice is ass. Every relationship is unique and each person trying to comingle naked with someone else is too. Writing generalist crap that perpetuates idiotic gender stereotypes does nothing to serve its audience, and in fact, actively hurts it.

But that’s why we’re here. It’s time once again to shine a light on dumb pop psychology and reductive, basal thinking. It’s the Love Lounge! Continue Reading »

Booze, Confessional

Meal of a Lifetime

Well, it’s Monday and if it was five years ago that would have meant we ate too much Taco Bell and D.P. Dough due to the consumption of Jager and beers. While in those moments the tacos and calzones may have seemed like the greatest meal ever, it is now completely obvious they were not. Which leaves us asking: What was the best meal you’ve ever had in your life? If you’ve forgotten how this works, our answers are first, followed by yours, and we finish it off with a new question for the week. Continue Reading »

Friday

Happy Friday #98: Day Dream Believing Edition

Being back means you get all the CJS goodies you once grew accustomed to receiving on a weekly basis, and of course that means the collection of internet goodies we affectionately call Happy Friday. We’ve got all the CJS standards: Tarantino, Youtube videos, and of course BASEBALL!!! All in convenient clickable links to help you waste those last few hours of the work week. So remember how you missed us and click away! Continue Reading »

Movie

CJS Quarterly Underrated Movie #7: Breakdown

Release Date: May 2, 1997
Box Office Gross: $50,159,144
Rotten Tomatoes Freshness Rating: 80%
Pertinent Review Line: Breakdown feels at first so casual, so comfortable with its own small expectations (a good but unglamorous cast, a sturdy but unspectacular plot), that the authentic feelings of suspense are a surprise; by the time Jeff’s pursuit of Amy reaches its all-stops-out climax, you’re invigorated by something fresh.” Lisa Schwarzbaum, Entertainment Weekly.

We’re bringing this feature back full time, with one underrated movie discussed each quarter. And that starts right now with this taut, suspense thriller that seemingly no one I’ve ever talked to remembers. This movie came out when I was 15, and now, almost 15 years later, it’s gotten even better. And that’s weird to say since the movie serves basically as an enactment of my (and I’m guessing for some of you, your) worst nightmare. Continue Reading »

Essay

The Big Slide

In the movie Sliding Doors we get to see two possible outcomes to Gwyneth Paltrow’s life based on whether she makes or misses the train.  Nice little commentary about how the slightest thing can alter our lives. Since we don’t live in the movies, we only get to see what happens on the one path we choose and the other can only be left to the imagination. However, there are times when we can get a glimpse of what may have been. Perhaps you run into an ex who has gotten incredibly hot, or the car you opted not to buy is recalled for unexplained fires. They’re not always the most significant things, but they usually stop to make you reflect on the choices you made. I recently had such an experience. Continue Reading »

Essay

Hulk Hogan and Unscripting Your Outcomes

When I was four years old, my parents took me to a WWF house show. This would have been sometime in early 1986 as the main event saw Hulk Hogan taking on King Kong Bundy, which was also the main event of WrestleMania 2. The match hit all the standard Hogan beats – Hogan beat up Bundy for a while – Bundy’s manager Bobby “The Brain” Heenan cheated turning the advantage to Bundy – Bundy beat up Hogan for a while – Hogan looked finished – Hulk up – three punches, body slam to the massive Bundy, big boot, legdrop – posing.

I didn’t quite know that formula yet. I was four. And four year-olds are earnest as all hell. As Bundy beat the tar out of Hogan, I grew very concerned for the health of my hero. I turned to my dad, sitting next to me, and asked very meekly and with genuine fear in my voice, “Dad, is Hulk gonna win?”

My dad considered a moment as he looked toward the ring, looked back at me, and said very flatly, “Yes.” This made me feel better, but the absolute certainty in his voice also gave me pause for the first time in my life. He seemed a little too sure of that answer, I thought. How could he possibly know that?

Sure enough, not more than five minutes later, the Hulkster no-sold Bundy’s “Avalanche” finishing maneuver, wagged his finger in Bundy’s face, dropped the big leg, and posed for the excited Denver crowd.

If I had to trace my career, my two degrees, and the way I view the world back to one moment, I trace it back to that singular response from my dad. Continue Reading »

Essay, Movie

Love Actually And My Changeup

Closing pitcher Huston Street has a habit of keeping the final out ball when he converts a save. Seth Smith was unaware of this as he haphazardly tossed a ball to some fans. Street was downtrodden, but with the aid of technology and social networking a call when out in hopes of retrieving the ball. The fans came forth and were more than willing to give Street the ball. This act of selflessness apparently got to Street as he didn’t take the ball, but rather autographed it and gave to the fans.

I like to think most of us felt some happiness when we hear a story like that. The idea of someone doing something that benefits another more than it benefits themselves is an idea that keeps the world from feeling like a cold heartless place. At least that’s how I feel.

However, if this is true then why does a film like Love Actually, which glorifies selfish behavior and shows the selfless being shit on, tend to make me happy? Continue Reading »

Field Trip

Geek Bowl VI – Austin, TX

Keep Austin Weird.

This is written in roughly 9 zillion places throughout the city of Austin. You see it graffiti’d on walls in alleys, on band flyers (which are everywhere), and on about every fourth t-shirt available for purchase in basically every store in the city.

And Austin is weird. Lady E and I landed on Friday afternoon, and there was a goddamn live band playing in one of the airport restaurants. And this was past security which means this is the airport’s house band and plays regularly, otherwise they wouldn’t be allowed on the concourse. What other airport has a house band  with a decent sized group of people attentively watching them? Austin (and maybe Portland, OR) is the only city where this type of behavior is possible. Weird.

Also, weird? That Lady E and I traveled 1,000 miles by plane to play in the country’s largest pub quiz and, SPOILER ALERT didn’t even have the decency to win $8,000 for our efforts. Just like we did last year, we bring you the story of Geek Bowl VI. Continue Reading »

Nonsense

Five Places To Wait Out A Zombie Apocalypse

My high school once did an over-night lock-in. Essentially, we spent the night in the school, it was like a sleepover with dozens of people. It wasn’t the sleepover aspect that intrigued me; rather it was being inside the school at a time when I normally wouldn’t be. I felt like I was breaking some kind of rule. That was the kind of dorky goody-good I was.

This sensation is something I have carried with me. A few times I have had to work overnight at my retail job and I was actually excited to go to work. Or now if I’m at the office after the sun has set. I chalk that one up more to being 12 stories up and seeing the city glow. Whatever the case may be, I just enjoy being in place after dark that I’m normally in during the day.

Because of this I can’t wait for a zombie apocalypse forcing me to possibly spend the night in some place other than a house. I never understood mobilizing instead of taking refuge in a situation like that. I would hold up somewhere as long as I could.

These are my top choices.

Continue Reading »

Love Lounge

5 Surprising Ways Marriage Has Improved My Life

I love being married. It’s the best thing I’ve ever done. But I would never insult you by droning on for 2,000 schmaltzy words about new levels of real emotional intimacy and being part of something greater than yourself or anything like that even though all that shit’s true.

That’s not what you came here for. Ostensibly, you came here for amusement and/or to laugh. So, instead of reheating every crappy relationship article you’ve ever read and nauseating you with esoteric personal details about my life with Lady E, I’m going to share with you 5 Surprising Ways Marriage Improves Your Life. If you’re like 99% of guys everywhere, these are actual real things that happen after the big “I do.” And they shocked the hell out of me.

So here we go… Continue Reading »

Holiday

Dagger’s 2011 Predictions Results Show

Since Hart took his turn looking at his 2011 Predictions, I felt compelled to do the same in CJS BONUS WEEKEND CONTENT! Inside are my predictions, which you can also find right here, and a little roundup of how we did.

Let’s get to it! Continue Reading »

Holiday

Hart’s 2011 Predictions Results Show

In 2011 I went rafting for the first time, I swam in the Arkansas River, and I got my bachelor’s degree. Based on these accomplishments I would say it was a pretty good year. But the real gauge to how well the year went comes from the results of the predictions I made at the start of the year. How can I judge a year based only on the things I never expected to happen? What kind of life is that to live? That is hog wash and I refuse to accept it! Continue Reading »

Holiday

CJS Cavalcade of Death 2011

More than 4,500 nice words (or not, if you’re Gaddhafi, Bin Laden, or Al Davis) for 41 different entries await you in this year’s CJS Cavalcade of Death. Once again, not one of the people any of our Regulars or staff picked last year bit it, so we’re cancelling this year’s Ghoul Pool mostly because we all suck at it, but also because it makes us feel icky picking dead celebrities in public.

So, we’ll honor the dead the way we always do around here – by having Dagger write barely coherent thoughts about how he obliquely has some obscure memory about each of these fucking people. Strap in kids, we got a lot of dead folks to wade through. Continue Reading »

Friday, Holiday

UberHappy Friday: 2011 Year In Review

There are those who would say you can’t do an UberHappy Friday without doing a Happy Friday for the entire year. Those people don’t work at Cru Jones Society, and if they did we wouldn’t listen to them. Also they said you can’t put a Happy Friday up on a Thursday. Naysayers be damned! This is UberHappy Friday 2011! Continue Reading »

Holiday

The Big Ass Christmas Post 2011

While out Christmas shopping we found ourselves stumped on what to get you, our loyal readers. We don’t know your sweater size so that was out. Gift cards seemed so impersonal. And it seemed someone took the Playskool Kitchen we left near the register. Finally after hours of discussions and many, many beers we knew exactly what you wanted: A brand new Big Ass Christmas Post! We’ll even let you unwrap it before Christmas morning. So go ahead, unwrap and enjoy! Continue Reading »

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