Internal

Where’s E Dagger?

Because I seem to have gone missing, at least from around these parts.

We’re not coming back, so let’s just dispel that right away.

But you can find me, E Dagger, writing at my new project, EksAxis.com. The site features short essays, generally in the range of 300-600 words, and is updated 2-3 times per week. If you were a fan of the stuff I wrote here, chances are excellent you’ll like the stuff at Eks Axis, and you won’t have to slog through day after day of 3,000 word posts from me that both took forever to read and annoyed Lady E because – surprise, surprise! – they also took forever to write.

These will be more digestible, and will generally be funny (if you find me funny in the first place, that is, but that’s a whole other conversation). As of this posting, I’ve written articles about the general uselessness of political hyperbole, the inexorable march toward death that is Bejeweled, the irritation of beer and music snobs, the failure of the 2012 Rockies and recreational gambling, and the depressing sexless marriage of the couple in the latest DirecTV ad.

I’m also on Twitter, so check me out @EksAxis.

Thanks for your patronage of Cru Jones Society. It was a pleasure to serve you. I hope to see you again.

E Dagger (Jon Eks)

Sport

5th Annual Kentucky Derby Awards

Welcome to the 5th Annual (and Final!) CJS Kentucky Derby Awards. The 138th Annual running of the Kentucky Derby Awards brings to a close our time together here on the interwebs, and it’s almost like the universe knew we were throwing in the towel and decided to send us off in style with the alcohol equivalent of a massive Viking funeral. Valhalla here we come!

So join us for one last romp during the sport of kings where we ogle the mancandy wearing gorgeous suits, we make references to movies that are 20 years old and laugh hysterically about them, and the big winner of the day is somehow Nate Diaz. Continue Reading »

Internal

Worn Out Welcome…

“So… so, all thanks again. And I’ll see you soon. The effort was appreciated. And I’m glad that I could make it. You’ll never know what just what it means to me. Keep your favors, I’m not in doubt, because you’re welcome.” The Spitvalves, “Worn Out Welcome.”

This is Dagger. And the above are the last lines from the song I used to play at the end of every semester during my college radio days. I always promised I’d be back, and I was. Until I wasn’t. You can’t stay in college forever, nor should you. Eventually it comes to time to pack it in and move on. You’ve worn out your welcome.

And that’s my way of telling you the Cru Jones Society is finished. For good this time. Continue Reading »

Nonsense

Mythical Menagerie

There is an ad campaign for some casino right now using a made up creature called the quadracorn, which is essentially a four horned unicorn. But this quadracorn is owned by some dick cheese who rides it to the airport, and if that isn’t bad enough, instead of tying this creature to the hitching post that are outside all major airports, he rides it inside and is able to get all the way to security and through the metal detector. It’s boggling how this is possible, it’s even more amazing than the mythical creature itself. But the point here is this commercial is fucking stupid. The other point is that for all the awesomeness that can arise from having a mythical or non-existent creature there are plenty of stupid reasons that come with them as well, even if it is just enhancing the jackassery that already resides within people.

With that I have thought about the mythical or non-existent creatures I wish were real and why each one of them would be a stupid mistake. Let’s set the snare and round us up a menagerie. Continue Reading »

Television

The Second Screen Revolution

“Hypertextuality is the technological realization of intertextuality.” – Sarah Gwenllian Jones.

For those of you who haven’t already clicked over to ESPN or Facebook or something after reading that opening quote, and we thank you, I finally fully understand this statement nearly 8 years later, and thanks to AMC’s Story Notes airing of Kindergarten Cop. And what I realized is that even on a stray Wednesday when it’s just you and Buttfor eating leftovers and flipping between the Rox game (who are beating up Tim Lincecum at the moment) and a re-airing of a 20 year-old movie, you never ever watch media alone anymore. Continue Reading »

Friday

Happy Friday #102: Write Your Own Title Edition

Between Ron Burgundy announcing an Anchorman sequel and trying to figure out if Dagger’s hypothetical question about four legs would mean I have two wangs, my Friday has plenty of distractions. However, others aren’t as simple as I am, and for those people we offer our usual collection of distractions such as Lionel Richie, we know it’s him you’re looking for; a house straight out of a video game, and no it’s not Tetris; fireworks! And we may even teach you how to underline the fuck scenes! Enough jibba jabba, let’s rock this bitch! Continue Reading »

Nonsense

The Hypothetical Dagger

It’s only fitting that we wrap up our 4th Anniversary with an article conceived in the early spirit of this website. It’s Wednesday evening as I type this and I’m hungover and exhausted after three nights in Vegas with Lady E. I have no creativity in me whatsoever, and all I can hear in my head is the ambient cacophony of slot machines all around me.

And while not always hungover, I remember many nights early in CJS’s existence when for whatever reason the creative well was empty, but we pressed on for the sake of our growing empire and managed to fire off something or another.

This is one of those times. And in this case, let’s lean on a familiar trope and fire off some easy comedy. Let’s answer some hypotheticals and have some fun! Continue Reading »

Essay, Movie

When Imagination Can Harm

It’s not uncommon for children to develop an imaginary friend. Perhaps you had one, or maybe a sibling did. I don’t remember having one, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t. My sister had one, she named her Sarah and my young mind assumed it was the triceratops from The Land Before Time. Apparently the only Sarah I knew when I was younger was a cartoon dinosaur. Young life is so awesome.

For the most part people grow out of their imaginary friend, or they get help in moving away from them, or they pretend it’s just their way of organizing their thoughts and that it’s absolutely normal. Or they never outgrow this friend and you probably passed them on the street this morning. Ok, not everyone who keeps their imaginary friend becomes a raving lunatic. Some people are fairly functional members of society. I haven’t met any of these people, but supposedly they exist. Whatever the case I am fascinated by the concept of adults with imaginary friends and what that means. Using three great works of cinema, I’m going to delve more into the made up friends of adults. Continue Reading »

Sport

CJS Fact or Fiction: Sports Fandom Edition

Welcome to the 2nd edition of CJS Fact or Fiction (the first, covering booze, can be found here). Today, your faithful CJS authors Lee S. Hart and E Dagger tackle six statements related to sports fandom. Can a grown man wear his favorite athlete’s jersey in public? What is the proper behavior for foul balls? What about hockey pucks? Who wants to hear about your fantasy football team? All this and more await inside.

You decide who wins. Just let us know in the comments section. Let’s play! Continue Reading »

Confessional

Travel Wish List

Dagger’s in Las Vegas this week for, oh, about the 12th time in the last 8 years. Clearly he’s crossed this one off his bucket list, yet he and Lady E continue to venture back for more. They clearly can’t get enough of that wacky Blue Man Group. But our question to you this week is: What are your top three bucket list travel destinations? Let’s assume you have the money, time and means to accomplish any trip in the world. Where do you go? CJS Staff has listed their answers first, and all the Regulars come shortly after that. So put your seatbacks and tray tables into their upright and locked positions, and let’s get to it. Continue Reading »

Friday

Happy Friday #101: Survey Course Edition

Good morning, class. Welcome to Happy Friday 101. I’m your instructor E Dagger, and this class will cover the basic ways to slack off at the end of a work week. We’ve got a lot to cover, so please pull out your syllabus and note today’s topics: the NFL, rock n’ roll, frickin’ VD, lesbians (probably not what you’re thinking, or maybe hoping, you caveman) and big ass snakes. Let’s get started. Continue Reading »

Music

5 Videos From The 90s

I heard The Offspring’s “Pretty Fly For a White Guy” the other day and all I could picture was that stupid cracker from the video. He’s big ugly face that’s as dumb as a butt wouldn’t leave my mind so I took to the internet to sate that appetite. It’s times like this where I miss school and I could do something more than watch nostalgic videos from my younger days. Unfortunately I don’t. So I got caught up watching old videos and after the initial sigh of disappointment, I found myself having fun. Continue Reading »

Music

Songs To Kick Off Your Spring 2012

Spring is in the air, officially. That happened yesterday. I could not be happier. The winter is sucks, powerful sucks. It seems fun at the start with that first snow fall, but then it just drags on and everything is dead and miserable looking and you start to take on those characteristics. But now that is over! Everything is in bloom and the world once again appears new. With the blossoming world around me I felt my speakers needed to feel fresh, new life as well. So I compiled songs that resonate spring, or at least songs that will help kick that last bit of winter off.

So here are 17 songs to kick off your spring! Some Hart trivia for ya, all my mixes have an odd number of tracks. It’s something I have done since I started burning CD’s and doing otherwise feels weird. I was tortured when we did the CJS Punk Mix.

Enough of my weird OCD, let’s put that needle on the record. Continue Reading »

Music

E Dagger’s Songs That Will Not Fire You Up

 

One of my favorite columns on all of the interwebs is Drew Magary’s Thursday Afternoon Dick Joke Jamboroo that runs every Thursday during NFL season. One of the recurring segments in that column is “Pregame Song That Makes Me Want To Run Through A Goddamn Brick Wall.” I could compose a playlist under this banner that’s roughly 2,000 songs long as my iTunes is chock full of the work of Pantera, Rob Zombie, Mastodon, Strung Out, Thrice, and about a hundred others. No one wants to read this playlist.

The segment immediately following in the Jamboroo is “Embarrassing Song I Like That Will Not Fire You Up.” This is a much more interesting construct. So, in the spirit of the Jamboroo, and in opposition to Hart’s Spring Into Spring Playlist, which you’ll read later this week, here’s E Dagger’s Songs That Will Not Fire You Up. Feel free to point and laugh, or treat this as a makeshift Confessional where you admit to sharing my goofy taste. Continue Reading »

Confessional, Music

The Live Album, Live!

 

It’s music week here at CJS, and what would a good music week be without talk of live music? We love going to shows and we spend a lot of time discussing shows we would like to see. And based on a recent trend in live music has been bands playing an entire album in order at the show. With that in mind, this week’s questions was: What album would you most want to hear played live from start to finish?

As always, staff responses are first, Regulars chime in afterward. If you forgot to confess this week, have a comment on a fellow confessor, or simply want to voice any opinion, please do so in the comments. We’ll have next week’s prompt at the article’s conclusion, so please join us here once again seven days from now. But first, your confessions. Continue Reading »

Friday

Happy Friday #100: Century Club Edition

The Ides of March have come and gone, hopefully you made it through without being stabbed 23 times, and if you were at least you’ll have the all the St. Patrick’s Day beers to help you through such a traumatic event. If we may ask, what were you doing that led to so many stabbings? We see the problem there, you left the internet. Well, that’s why we’re here. We come with the gift of internet links to keep you inside and away from Roman conspirators and assassins. That’s right, we do all of this in hopes of keeping you safe.

Oh, and in honor of our 100th Happy Friday we give you 100 links!

Enjoy!

Continue Reading »

Essay

The Strangeness of Being Earnest

In recent internet news, everyone lost their minds over a review of the Olive Garden in Grand Forks, North Dakota written by an 85 year-old woman named Marilyn Hagerty. Like anything found on the internet today written without a trace of irony, to many people this review reeked of parody. Surely no one could write such a sincere, effusive, and praiseworthy review of a chain Italian restaurant without coating it in about eight layers of winking irony and flawless deadpan. This had to be one of Conan’s writers, right?

Nope. This was just the food critic of the Grand Forks Herald giving her honest to goodness opinion of “the largest and most beautiful restaurant now operating in Grand Forks” a month after it opened because “the lines were long in February.” We all know no one can be serious anymore, lest you get mocked mercilessly for having a real opinion about something, so I’m not here to pile on that stale eulogy. I’m more interested in this question: What does this mean? Continue Reading »

Things We Love

Things We Love #28: Drunken Sing-Along

Alcohol is known to lower inhibitions and while this can at times cause problems such as calling the calzone place and demanding to know, “Where my ‘zones at, bitch?” Other times, however, the lack of inhibitions can help you talk that dame or fella you couldn’t talk to, or it will help you best through that one fear most of us seem to have, singing in front of other people. Continue Reading »

Things We Love

Things We Love #27: Shower Beer

Aww, yeah.

If ever there were two opposite things juxtaposed perfectly against each other, it’s the warm, steamy affectionate embrace of your shower with the cold, refreshing hoppy goodness of your favorite brew. Drinking a beer in your shower feels wrong the first time you do it – like you’re violating some unwritten rule of the universe or acting like Nicolas Cage’s reprehensible character in Leaving Las Vegas or something – but only gets better with practice.

Shower beer, we salute you. Continue Reading »

Nonsense

Random Musings on a Tuesday Morning

What would a Cru Jones Society anniversary month be without some random musings? Well, a lot like the last anniversary I suppose. That won’t be the case this time. Now I submit to you a collection of the thoughts I have throughout any given day. I hope you’ll enjoy, or at least gain some insight into the mind of Hart. Continue Reading »

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