Cru Jones Society

Tomorrow is America’s birthday, which means beers, grilled meat, and blowing shit up. For those reasons, we love the 4^th of July and cannot wait! But we do have to wait, fortunately we have a slew of links to helps us pass the time. Before you lose your finger to Black Cats and sparklers, use it to click away and check out all the fun we have delivered to your desktop. Continue Reading »

YouTube is likely the apex for time-wasting and pointlessness our culture will ever achieve. Twitter, Facebook, and a whole slew of other narcissistic time sinks are charging hard, but when seeking to achieve absolutely nothing, connecting with absolutely no one, and going absolutely nowhere outside your fart encrusted desk chair for hours on end, nothing beats YouTube.

I’ve watched Keyboard Cat play off hapless schlemiels more times than I can count. I consider that “Boom Goes the Dynamite” Guy a close personal friend after our many hilarious late night Internet rendezvous.

But lately, even though there’s a whole world out there to explore and I have a ton of shit to do besides, YouTube has sucked me back in and I find myself watching the opening themes from cheeseball ‘80s and early ‘90s sitcoms. Here are my 10 current favorites. Continue Reading »

Every Wednesday between now and the end of baseball season the Cru Jones Society brings you a new baseball movie examined for both overall entertainment value and treatment of our favorite game. To suggest a film, email us at staff [at] crujonessociety.com. Otherwise, pour yourself an $8 beer, crack some shells, and let’s play ball.

Date Released: April 7, 1976
Box Office Total: $32,211,330
Team Featured: Bad News Bears

“I’m not going to talk about winning. I’m going to talk about losing. ‘Cause if you guys lose this game each and every one of you, you’re going to have to live with it.” - Coach Roy Turner.

“Listen Lupus, you didn’t come into this life just sit around on a dugout bench, did you? Get your ass out there and do the best you can.” - Coach Morris Buttermaker.

Reading the above quotes, which team would you rather be on? Now imagine you’re 10 years old, just a kid who wants to play ball, which team would you rather be on? Unfortunately for you, you now live in the age were everybody is required to play, and everyone gets a trophy for participating. But there was a time when children played baseball and hoped to win. This is a story of a time when youth sports had winners, racism was rampant, and children cursed at adults. This is The Bad News Bears. Continue Reading »

We don’t often talk about books on this website. So you may be surprised to learn we do read things other than what we find on the internet. Now mostly I only read Dr. Seuss books, but I occasionally find other things, like cereal boxes. All jokes aside, I do read real things. I recently re-read my favorite short story, The Things They Carried by Tim O’Brien, and I was amazed at the way I found the story related to the way I was feeling in my life. Continue Reading »

Monday’s here, so let’s go to the Confessional. This week we asked you in honor of PrideFest: Who would you go gay for and why? This question usually comes up after several beers, so we hope those of you who sent in were good and liquored up before you sent in your responses. For those of you who didn’t, the Cru Jones Society advises you to drink more. Not only do you get to participate in fun ass ridiculous shit like this, it certainly beats the alternative: Not drinking. Stay tuned at the end for next week’s Confessional topic. Continue Reading »

As you have probably heard by now, The King of Pop, Michael Jackson has passed away. The latter part of his life was marred with allegations, intense plastic surgery and less than ideal parenting and social norms. But Cru Jones Society will always remember him for providing a fantastic soundtrack to many of our Beirut nights. Every time I hear a song from Thriller I am taken back and all I can think about is the way all those great songs blared through my parent’s old hi-fi as we tossed a ball into beer. Michael Jackson’s music will always be associated with fun times to CJS. Tim Armstrong said, “Through music, we can live for ever,” so as long as we keep the records and videos playing, we will always have Michael Jackson around. Continue Reading »

I’m a very polite young man. I don’t ruffle feathers when I don’t need to and am largely inclined to go about my day in a very unassuming, congenial way. But that doesn’t mean I want to hang out and chat with every Tom, Dick, and Quasimodo I encounter as I’m taking care of business.

I’m not on Facebook because I believe I have the correct number of people in my life. I keep in touch with those I want to through various means, and everything else just sort of works itself out. And like Melvin Udall in As Good as It Gets, I find most small talk exhausting. I suspect many of the random people I encounter in a day mistake my politeness for an invitation to friendship, so I end up in some inescapable conversation vortex many more times than I’d like. Here are five bastions of unnecessary small talk that seem to drag on forever. Continue Reading »

Every Wednesday between now and the end of baseball season the Cru Jones Society brings you a new baseball movie examined for both overall entertainment value and treatment of our favorite game. To suggest a film, email us at staff [at] crujonessociety.com. Otherwise, pour yourself an $8 beer, crack some shells, and let’s play ball.

Date Released: July 1, 1992
Box Office Total: $107,533,928
Team Featured: Rockford Peaches

“Ballplayers? I haven’t got ballplayers, I’ve got girls! Girls are what you sleep with after the game not what you coach during the game!” - Jimmy Dugan, manager, Rockford Peaches

“Old Man Harvey, he just offered me a job coaching in Wichita… I turned him down…I already got a team.” - Also Jimmy Dugan, manager, Rockford Peaches

Such is the balance of A League of Their Own… One moment obnoxious, blatantly chauvinistic, and ultimately hilarious, the next moment saccharine sweet, painfully emotional, and completely cringe-inducing. As we kick off our new weekly feature, we figured we’d start with one we’d already covered in some detail here at CJS already. Got a problem with that? Are you crying?

There’s no crying. There’s no crying in baseball (movie reviews)!

Rogers Hornsby is our webmaster and he called me a talking pile of pig shit. And that was when my parents drove all the way down from Michigan to see me write this article. And did I cry? No! NO! And you know why? Because there’s no crying in baseball (movie reviews)! There’s no crying in baseball! There’s no crying! Continue Reading »

I spent this past Friday getting pissed drunk while wearing goofy golfing attire; mainly Plaid shorts and a lot of argyle. More on that next week though. But drinking with a bunch of people wearing more or less the same thing got me to thinking about the college staple: Theme Parties. There are times when getting together to drink just isn’t good enough for some people. They require extra work and added hassle to their alcohol consumption. While my alcoholism doesn’t care what I’m wearing as long as something cold and tasty is sliding down my gullet, I enjoy the occasional theme party, if the theme feels more original. So find a DD, put on your fancy hats, and let’s (theme) party down. Continue Reading »

If you’re Catholic, in any way devoted, you likely spent part of your weekend in the Confessional. Well, the Cru Jones Society likes to take weekends off and aren’t in the mood to hear any of your shit. That’s what Mondays are for. And this week we have a fine collection of confessions from CJS readers and staff answering the question: What is your guilty pleasure drink? Stay tuned until the end as we reveal our final guilty pleasure question, which is likely the guiltiest pleasure there is. For now, have a drink on CJS. Continue Reading »

Welcome to yet another Friday. Your work week is over. You’re ready to get away from your computer, leave the shackles of your desk behind for two days, and celebrate the man who knocked up your mother all those years ago. Yep, Sunday is Father’s Day and what better way to bid adieu to the work-a-week drudgery and unsheathe that nifty tie you picked out for your pops than with the nuttiest collection of links ever featured on the Cru Jones Society. Continue Reading »

I am currently trying to reduce the amount of sugar in my diet. At times this seems like a hard task. Mainly when I’m at work and every other office or cubicle has a damned bowl of candy on their desk. But with will power I have been pretty good about ignoring it. I also try distracting my mind and I started thinking about the names of some candies, much like I did months ago with soda.

So I started doing research into how some candies got names that were some what baffling. You know what I found out? Not a whole lot of people know why candies have the names they do. Seriously I was doing a lot of searching and not a single website could tell my why Twix is called Twix. I was able to find out is used to be called Raiders, but no information as to why it was called that. They changed the name to Twix in hopes in would sell better. But no information was found on why those in charge chose the name Twix. Same results with Skittles. So due to the internet being full of information that doesn’t help, and the fact that a lot of candies have boring origins like named after its creator, Mr. Heath, I narrowed my list down to four candy bars. One of which I have only had maybe twice in my life. Well, working with what I have, I present to you the origins to four candy bar names. Continue Reading »

Let me draw a picture for you. It’s Friday afternoon. It had been a long week and I left work early. I was ready to get home and put the week behind me. Flying down the highway, I was that much closer to a cold beer. Then I pull off onto another highway and suddenly it’s bumper to bumper traffic. What the hell? I left early and I don’t hear Jesse and Joey: The Rush Hour Renegades, so this isn’t rush hour traffic. What is going on? Continue Reading »

So when we last E Dagger, he was learning the difference between Ninjas, Juggalos, and WEEEECKID clowns working for a property management company. The journey up to this point has been interesting, and it only gets weirder from here. So take a break from your day-to-day grind and read about those from years past. We conclude the many professions of E Dagger after the jump. Continue Reading »

Holden: So, uh, what do you wanna do tonight?
Banky Edwards: I dunno. Get a pizza, watch “Degrassi Jr. High”.
Holden: You got a weird thing for Canadian melodrama.
Banky Edwards: I got a weird thing for girls who say, “Aboot.”

Whether it’s Canadian melodrama, reruns of The Golden Girls, or an Andrew Dice Clay movie; we all have something we enjoy watching that we would never tell a first date or our ball busting friends about. But this is the internet, home of anonymity, so we are going to share ours with you. And we only thought it fair that you share one of yours. So we continue Guilty Pleasure month with the question: What movie or television guilty pleasure do you have? Go ahead and read on, then you can get back to the “I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!” fan page. Continue Reading »

Whattup? Whattup? Welcome back to Happy Friday, players and player haters alike. The kids still say that, right? We don’t know because we’ve been working our dumbass big kid jobs, going to school, planning weddings, trying to buy houses, quitting alcohol during the work week, waking up at 6 goddamn o’clock in the morning to exercise, and doing all sorts of other nonsense that we used to make fun of in college.

So, to combat all this annoying grownupness, we’ve got a spectacular collection of juvenile bullshit wrapped in a tasty jalapeno cheddar tortilla for your Friday consumption (tortilla not available on all web browsers). So kick back, grab your favorite salted cured meat product, take a bracing shot of absinthe, and jump headfirst into this invigorating pool of time-wasting refreshment. Continue Reading »

As you may have noticed, I often allude to the Muppets on this website. I don’t do this out of nostalgia or irony, nor are the Muppets a guilty pleasure of mine, but more on that on Monday. I reference the Muppets because I genuinely and sincerely love the Muppets. Now it’s time to light the lights; it’s time to dress up right; it’s time to get things started. Continue Reading »

As promised, this is the follow up to the New York/New Jersey field trip article from yesterday.

Why are there no Dunkin’ Donuts stores in Colorado ? Goddamned if I know, but until about 5 years ago, Colorado seemed to have a real donut franchise deficiency. No Dunkins, no Krispy Kreme, not even a stupid Mr. Donut to be found. Sure, there were a few Daylight Doughnuts scattered about town like so many wayward crumbs on the bottom of a toaster, but really, how many of you even knew that was a chain?

It’s too simplistic to write “Things We Love: Dunkin’ Donuts” because really, who doesn’t love Dunkin’ fucking Donuts? No, hitting the road and realizing there’s a Dunkins in your general vicinity (or in the case of Boston , on every fucking block) when you have no access to it otherwise is much more appropriate. Continue Reading »

The Destination: Saddle Brook, New Jersey
The Date: May 29 - June 1, 2009
The Occasion: Salwon’s Wedding

Salwon and I met in high school during the year I spent in Houston. We were both on the swim team together and in the midst of some awful set our raging fatass tyrant coach concocted, I made some weird joke about death metal band Cannibal Corpse. Having only been at school a week, I suppose this was a tactical error in my effort to make friends because nothing says, “Hey, would you like to be friends?” more than making a joke about an obscure band with song titles like “I Fuck the Dead” and “Entrails Ripped from a Virgin’s Cunt.”

Amazingly, Salwon got whatever horribly tasteless joke I made and we became fast friends. And even though we haven’t seen each other in person in about four years, we’ll still call each other just to say, “Hey Mark, you play a mean guitar! Too bad you have to die!” from the movie Empire Records. So when he asked me to haul my ass to New Jersey to be one of his groomsmen, it only took me about a half second to respond, “Hell yeah!” So Lady E and I packed up, headed to the Garden State, and partied our asses off. Here’s what transpired. Continue Reading »

It’s summer time and we can’t help but to be reminded of our school days when summer meant running free and not giving a fuck. So with that in mind, June has become Guilty Pleasure Month here at Cru Jones Society. As we have stated, but to emphasis it once more, we realize the concept of a guilty pleasure is patently ridiculous. No one should have to feel bad about anything they derive enjoyment from unless that enjoyment comes from pedophilia or something equally as immoral/illegal/fucked up. We’ve decided to kick off Guilty Pleasure Month by asking you what your guilty pleasure music is? As is the custom, Dagger and Hart are up first, followed by your responses. Put another dime in the jukebox and let’s rock. Continue Reading »