Cru Jones Society

My high school once did an over-night lock-in. Essentially, we spent the night in the school, it was like a sleepover with dozens of people. It wasn’t the sleepover aspect that intrigued me; rather it was being inside the school at a time when I normally wouldn’t be. I felt like I was breaking some kind of rule. That was the kind of dorky goody-good I was.

This sensation is something I have carried with me. A few times I have had to work overnight at my retail job and I was actually excited to go to work. Or now if I’m at the office after the sun has set. I chalk that one up more to being 12 stories up and seeing the city glow. Whatever the case may be, I just enjoy being in place after dark that I’m normally in during the day.

Because of this I can’t wait for a zombie apocalypse forcing me to possibly spend the night in some place other than a house. I never understood mobilizing instead of taking refuge in a situation like that. I would hold up somewhere as long as I could.

These are my top choices.

Continue Reading »

I love being married. It’s the best thing I’ve ever done. But I would never insult you by droning on for 2,000 schmaltzy words about new levels of real emotional intimacy and being part of something greater than yourself or anything like that even though all that shit’s true.

That’s not what you came here for. Ostensibly, you came here for amusement and/or to laugh. So, instead of reheating every crappy relationship article you’ve ever read and nauseating you with esoteric personal details about my life with Lady E, I’m going to share with you 5 Surprising Ways Marriage Improves Your Life. If you’re like 99% of guys everywhere, these are actual real things that happen after the big “I do.” And they shocked the hell out of me.

So here we go… Continue Reading »

Since Hart took his turn looking at his 2011 Predictions, I felt compelled to do the same in CJS BONUS WEEKEND CONTENT! Inside are my predictions, which you can also find right here, and a little roundup of how we did.

Let’s get to it! Continue Reading »

In 2011 I went rafting for the first time, I swam in the Arkansas River, and I got my bachelor’s degree. Based on these accomplishments I would say it was a pretty good year. But the real gauge to how well the year went comes from the results of the predictions I made at the start of the year. How can I judge a year based only on the things I never expected to happen? What kind of life is that to live? That is hog wash and I refuse to accept it! Continue Reading »

More than 4,500 nice words (or not, if you’re Gaddhafi, Bin Laden, or Al Davis) for 41 different entries await you in this year’s CJS Cavalcade of Death. Once again, not one of the people any of our Regulars or staff picked last year bit it, so we’re cancelling this year’s Ghoul Pool mostly because we all suck at it, but also because it makes us feel icky picking dead celebrities in public.

So, we’ll honor the dead the way we always do around here – by having Dagger write barely coherent thoughts about how he obliquely has some obscure memory about each of these fucking people. Strap in kids, we got a lot of dead folks to wade through. Continue Reading »

There are those who would say you can’t do an UberHappy Friday without doing a Happy Friday for the entire year. Those people don’t work at Cru Jones Society, and if they did we wouldn’t listen to them. Also they said you can’t put a Happy Friday up on a Thursday. Naysayers be damned! This is UberHappy Friday 2011! Continue Reading »

While out Christmas shopping we found ourselves stumped on what to get you, our loyal readers. We don’t know your sweater size so that was out. Gift cards seemed so impersonal. And it seemed someone took the Playskool Kitchen we left near the register. Finally after hours of discussions and many, many beers we knew exactly what you wanted: A brand new Big Ass Christmas Post! We’ll even let you unwrap it before Christmas morning. So go ahead, unwrap and enjoy! Continue Reading »

According to last week’s episode of “Modern Family,” Christmas occurs on December 16^th to accommodate everyone’s travel schedule. If this is true, not only is shopping season happening earlier and earlier, but Christmas itself continues to encroach upon the calendar too.

So far be it from me to deny the inevitability of the season. It’s important that I put my Christmas list out there for all the CJS Regulars to see. But you won’t find any Kindle Fires, Xbox 360s or copies of Rad on DVD on this list. This is E Dagger’s Impossible Christmas List. This is where I put all the stuff that no one could ever hope to obtain. If you find it, you’re my new best friend and possibly my new lover (Lady E says: Hands off, fuckers!). So, what’s on this list? You’re but a click away.

Happy holidays, bitch! Continue Reading »

I have noticed many people seem to have a problem with silence, and they seek to ensure the silence doesn’t exist. This usually entails talking, but unfortunately most people aren’t very apt at the whole talking thing. Sure they are capable of putting words together and forming complete thoughts, but it usually doesn’t entail more than that. Some people seem to be so threatened by the silence they have pocketed select phrases to keep the silence from showing up. I for one am tired of hearing these stupid little phrases, and that fact that people can’t just let the silence linger. Let’s please clean up the work place and eliminate the desire to talk about or say these stupid ass things. Continue Reading »

It’s the moment you’ve been waiting for. Inside this article is the definitive list of correct choices for all three of the basic human desires – foodin’, sexin’, and car-in’. It’s time to find out who is the 2011 Food, Sex, or Cars Master! Should you have any problems with these answers, take it up with us in the comments section, but we’ve run these answers through a world-class thinktank of psychologists, physicists, cryptiosimitists, and other really smart people including 2-time winner Keithage. Our word is the last word.

Without further ado, here are the results to the 4^th Annual Food Sex or Cars Competition! Continue Reading »

Just a friendly reminder, voting in the 4th Annual Food Sex or Cars competition closes today at 6 pm, MST. Make sure all your choices are in for a shot at $50 at iTunes. All scenarios can be found linked right here. So get those last minute votes in! We’ll announce winners tomorrow. Thanks for playing, and good luck!

Hart & Dagger

Well we’ve come to the end of another year of Food Sex or Cars? We’ve had some laughs and some tears, and we hope you enjoyed yourselves. Once you’re done with this final round go back and make sure you answered all the rounds, are content with your answers, and that you crossed all the “T’s” and dotted all the lower case “J’s.” Remember voting for all scenarios closes Monday, November 28 at 6:00 p.m. MST. And we’ll announce the winners on Tuesday, November 29. Without further ado the finale of Food Sex or Cars? 2011! Continue Reading »

Sometimes we create scenarios that we wish we could forget about. But instead of trying to erase them from our minds we opt to bring you with us into the nightmare. This is one of those times. Consider that a warning. So here is Round 14, enjoy the rest of your day! Continue Reading »

Good morning and welcome the final day of 2011’s Food Sex or Cars? We hope you were able to get your Christmas shopping done, considering most stores have now been open for seven hours. You’ll need the focus and concentration to answer the scenarios presented to you today.  Now strap in for this gas-tacular round 13! Continue Reading »

This is a day for everyone to reflect on what they are thankful for. We hope you are all thankful for an enjoyable childhood you once had. Did you have a nice trip down memory lane? When we took it we came back with some souvenirs and created our last Thanksgiving Day scenario. After this there are only three more! Continue Reading »

Whoever is cooking your Thanksgiving meal is probably about to get started, and you’re no help, which means you need something to do. As usual CJS has got your back. We proudly present the second scenario of Thanksgiving Day 2011! Get ready for three things that will never get their own Macy’s Parade Float. Continue Reading »

Welcome to day four of our annual competition, and day four always means it is Thanksgiving! This is the one day a year when we are allowed to fully embrace our American ways and eat and drink to excess. So in the spirit of going big and giving into vices we give you Round 10. Hope your Thanksgiving doesn’t pale too much in comparison. Continue Reading »

Tomorrow we give thanks. As Americans, it’s the only day we’re really required to do that. If you’re a CJS fan, you give thanks this whole week because you get to test your brain on all sorts of goofy shit three assholes thought up for fun. We had some divine help with this one, and you’ll definitely need some divine help in figuring out the correct answer. Round 9 of Food Sex or Cars is feelin’ fine. Continue Reading »

Like Arcade Fire, we grew up in the suburbs. Unlike Arcade Fire, we have not galvanized a legion of insufferable mutton chop wearing hipsters drinking cans of PBR who pontificate about us (although, god knows we should have). So Round 8 is dedicated to everyone else who grew up in the suburbs. And if you didn’t… well, you probably didn’t miss much. Continue Reading »

Welcome to Day 3 of the Thanksgiving Week tradition! After turning weird on you yesterday, let’s get back to three appealing options (this won’t last, btw). Let’s see how you do as hopefully you’re either already not working, or wrapping up before the 4-day weekend. Decisions, decisions. Continue Reading »